The Twinkie Cake

I'm still stuck in the same weight but hanging in there. I did well last night and for me to do good in the evening is a wonderful thing. Last night turned out to be a healing experience. My daughter went to a concert in the city. The other Mom took the kids and dropped them off because she gets off work way earlier than me. So it was my job to pick them up later. I was not looking forward to it because it was going to keep me up later and the route I had to take took me through part of the city that makes me nervous. St. Louis is a very violent city with shootings going on most all the time in one area or another. The concert club is in an OK area but to get there from where I live takes me across places there I'd rather not go so much.

Then I realized that my grandson's mother lives in one of the neighborhoods I'd be passing. He was going to spend the weekend with her for Mother's Day and her birthday. I decided to drop him off a night early so he could spend the day with her Friday without her step kids being there. And so I could only make one trip to the city instead of two nights in a row. He was real happy and excited about it. I needed to take him shopping for pants for his band concert. I ended up getting him many shirts for summer because they were having a good sale. I also got him new shoes. And I got his Mom some stuff, too. The total at the checkout was pretty high. I think he was shocked when he saw it. My grandson is not used to having lots of money spent on him, or getting what he wants so easily. In fact, at some point in his life I think he gave up on wanting altogether. Since he came to live with me he has slowly been able to want things, and have things and even ask for things. I understand how he feels. There are still some things I gave up on wanting, but I am working on that, slowly but surely.

Then I suggested we bake his Mom a birthday cake. I asked what she liked. He said that we would not be able to make her favorite cake. Her mother used to make it - his grandma who died last year. It was the twinkie cake. It dawned on me that we could make the twinkie cake. It would be special for her to have it and it would mean much to my grandson. I told him we could do it. We did not have a whole bunch time. I told him he'd have to get all his stuff ready while I went to the store and got the ingredients, etc. I took him home from shopping and looked online to get the recipe for the twinkie cake. There were several versions. I picked the closest one to my memory of it. I worried I would not get it right. I wanted so much for it to be just right.

I did not have much time and still had to get to and from the store with the ingredients, and make the cake in time to leave enough time to drop him off and still get my daughter picked up on time. The grocery store was crowed and the lines were long. I ended up in one where the guy in front of us had problems with his check card. This took a really long time. Then he was short on cash and had to put some things back. It did not dawn on me until it was too late that I could have paid his shortage, so he could get all his stuff. If that ever happens again I am going to do that. I regretted not thinking of it on time.

Anyway, in spite of the grocery line experience I got home in time to put the twinkie cake together, just enough time, in fact. Then, we hit a huge traffic jam on the way down to the city. I kept my spirits up and we had a nice conversation about things. He called his Mom from the car and I heard him tell her he had a surprise for her. We got there just in time for me to drop him off and still pick my daughter up at just the right moment. It was timed perfectly. It all worked out just right. When things like that time out perfectly I feel like it is some Divine confirmation that I am on the right path.

There is a point to all this. I struggled for years with my feelings about my grandson's mother, her neglect, her abuse, her inability to parent my grandson or to meet any of his needs. At first it was hard for me to even take him to see her at all when he came to live with me. I have been very careful on his behalf. But I have seen their relationship improve after she went to a treatment program last fall. But I am still watchful. The cake was for her but it was for him. It was something I could do that gave them something very special to share. Something to heal. To soothe the loss of the mother/grandmother. To keep her memory alive. Something to heal my relationship with her and with him. It was love. Love is making a twinkie cake for someone you have feared and resented for years because you know it will make her happy and you know it will make him happy to give it to her. Love is driving to the scary part of the city to help two people have a relationship and to help them heal together from a loss they share. Love is getting clothes and shoes for someone and making sure he knows that it's no trouble and you are glad to do it. And that it makes you happy to give them to him.

I have felt sometimes that my grandson and I are not very close. He's getting older and changing. There has been some isolation between the two of us. It was wonderful to be able to spend the evening doing things for him. And making sure that he could have something special to bring his Mom. It is odd but I feel some sort of redemption for all of us in that one little cake.

I miss the grandma who died. We were friends. She raised my grandson for many years and we shared that experience. We looked out for him together and made sure he had what he needed and that he had plenty of love and kindness in his life. Maybe I made the twinkie cake for her, too.