Earth-moving Experiences
I felt the earth move this morning when I woke up. Literally. It was kind of scary but awesome at the same time. I was not sure it was an earthquake but could not imagine it being anything else. I was scared thinking maybe something else could have happened like a bomb or explosion. But it was a 5.2 quake.
I need an earth shaking, earth moving experience. I think I may be doing better today about the whole breakup thing. What is amazing about that is that I did it. I identified the insurmountable issues and took action. I took care of myself. I want to pinch myself and see if I am dreaming. I really did it. That's amazing to me. I could have hung in there waiting for it to get worse, waiting until I was miserable, or for something bad to happen but I took action as soon as realized it wasn't good for me. I am in awe of this right now. And I am in awe of how many supportive, loving people I have in my life to help me through these post break up days. It doesn't seem so bad. It was a significant part of my life for close to five months but there are many, many other parts to my life.
I am still learning how to have a relationship with a man. For many reasons my relationships in the past have been mostly with abusive men, alcoholics, etc. Part of what I have been doing during my weight loss years involved getting therapy and help for to heal and learn from what happened to me in the past. I no longer carry the burden of my past but I am aware of it, and it's impact on me. I can use it in many ways that are positive. I can use it to give hope to other women. I can use it to give hope to myself. This recent relationship was different from the others in many ways, but it also had some similarities. But the true glory of it is that I am able to see it in terms of what I need and want in a relationship, and make a decision based on that. Normal people probably do that, but I am still learning. Getting better every day.
There is a relationship between my healing and my weight loss. It is not easy to articulate yet, but they go together. Maybe some day I will be able to write more on the subject.
I was not that hungry today and I ate kind of weird. Here is a rundown - Coffee with creamer; one third of a very ripe banana; the top half of a chocolate iced cake doughnut (I know it's not good but it was really delicious); all bran extra fiber with plain lowfat yogurt and berries; a tuna steak; one small piece of a chocolate almond thingy. All things considered I think it is not too bad. It's five p.m. And I will be quite busy tonight, with little time to eat. The only danger zone will be when I come home to my place instead of the usual spending the night with Man friend. I can handle that. I still have the dog..hee hee.
Man friend could not drive. I had to do all the driving. He lost his license a years ago for alcohol related driving offenses. (I know, he probably was not a "good catch" in many ways) . Right now, I can't remember the last time I was a passenger in a motor vehicle. So part of my healing process is going to be having someone take me out for a ride, drive me somewhere, so I can sit and look out the window and do what passengers do. It will be a luxury. I drive the kids everywhere, I now drive my brother to work and church, I've been driving Manfriend everywhere and frankly, I am sick of it. So that's my weekend assignment, get someone to take me for a ride. My guy friend Joe says he'd love to take me somewhere. He is very sweet, and got me through the last breakup. Sheesh, how many breakups can a girl have in one year? I guess as many as it takes. Again, better to love and lose than not to love at all.
Anyway back to earth-moving things. I think about the earth moving and feel nothing but awe. We never know what is in store for us. Today I choose to feel the excitement of anticipation of amazing, breathtaking experiences. The fact that I lost 52 pounds is earth-moving. The fact that I dumped a guy that thought I really loved - in order to take care of myself and in order to live up to my ideals, is awesome.
My sister and her husband are getting the tickets for me and the kids to go to California this summer for my birthday week (turn 50 August 6th). I am looking forward to that. My grandson's first airplane trip. He always wanted to go to California. Now he will. I love to see kid's dreams come true.
There is much in life to cherish.
I don't want to get to gooey and mushy but I love the friends I have made here blogging. I get teary thinking of how beautiful and supportive you all are. I cherish all of you.
more will be revealed
I need an earth shaking, earth moving experience. I think I may be doing better today about the whole breakup thing. What is amazing about that is that I did it. I identified the insurmountable issues and took action. I took care of myself. I want to pinch myself and see if I am dreaming. I really did it. That's amazing to me. I could have hung in there waiting for it to get worse, waiting until I was miserable, or for something bad to happen but I took action as soon as realized it wasn't good for me. I am in awe of this right now. And I am in awe of how many supportive, loving people I have in my life to help me through these post break up days. It doesn't seem so bad. It was a significant part of my life for close to five months but there are many, many other parts to my life.
I am still learning how to have a relationship with a man. For many reasons my relationships in the past have been mostly with abusive men, alcoholics, etc. Part of what I have been doing during my weight loss years involved getting therapy and help for to heal and learn from what happened to me in the past. I no longer carry the burden of my past but I am aware of it, and it's impact on me. I can use it in many ways that are positive. I can use it to give hope to other women. I can use it to give hope to myself. This recent relationship was different from the others in many ways, but it also had some similarities. But the true glory of it is that I am able to see it in terms of what I need and want in a relationship, and make a decision based on that. Normal people probably do that, but I am still learning. Getting better every day.
There is a relationship between my healing and my weight loss. It is not easy to articulate yet, but they go together. Maybe some day I will be able to write more on the subject.
I was not that hungry today and I ate kind of weird. Here is a rundown - Coffee with creamer; one third of a very ripe banana; the top half of a chocolate iced cake doughnut (I know it's not good but it was really delicious); all bran extra fiber with plain lowfat yogurt and berries; a tuna steak; one small piece of a chocolate almond thingy. All things considered I think it is not too bad. It's five p.m. And I will be quite busy tonight, with little time to eat. The only danger zone will be when I come home to my place instead of the usual spending the night with Man friend. I can handle that. I still have the dog..hee hee.
Man friend could not drive. I had to do all the driving. He lost his license a years ago for alcohol related driving offenses. (I know, he probably was not a "good catch" in many ways) . Right now, I can't remember the last time I was a passenger in a motor vehicle. So part of my healing process is going to be having someone take me out for a ride, drive me somewhere, so I can sit and look out the window and do what passengers do. It will be a luxury. I drive the kids everywhere, I now drive my brother to work and church, I've been driving Manfriend everywhere and frankly, I am sick of it. So that's my weekend assignment, get someone to take me for a ride. My guy friend Joe says he'd love to take me somewhere. He is very sweet, and got me through the last breakup. Sheesh, how many breakups can a girl have in one year? I guess as many as it takes. Again, better to love and lose than not to love at all.
Anyway back to earth-moving things. I think about the earth moving and feel nothing but awe. We never know what is in store for us. Today I choose to feel the excitement of anticipation of amazing, breathtaking experiences. The fact that I lost 52 pounds is earth-moving. The fact that I dumped a guy that thought I really loved - in order to take care of myself and in order to live up to my ideals, is awesome.
My sister and her husband are getting the tickets for me and the kids to go to California this summer for my birthday week (turn 50 August 6th). I am looking forward to that. My grandson's first airplane trip. He always wanted to go to California. Now he will. I love to see kid's dreams come true.
There is much in life to cherish.
I don't want to get to gooey and mushy but I love the friends I have made here blogging. I get teary thinking of how beautiful and supportive you all are. I cherish all of you.
more will be revealed
posted by Cindy at
4:26 PM
5 Comments:
Wow, Cindy, so much going on in this post!
I'm glad you're feeling better -- and I think you're doing great on the food considering. FYI...I am still learning to have a relationship with DB after almost 4 years and I'll bet I'll still be learning after 40! That's one of my favorite things about relationships. :-)
And you felt the earthquake -- YUCK. I hate them. Of course the first one I really felt was the 6.8 in '94 (each tenth is 100 times more powerful, fyi!) so that might be understandable!! ;-)
You are coming to CA???? I'd love to see you if you'll be in L.A....let me know?
In the meantime, have a great weekend...and enjoy the ride. :-)
I wish I could feel that way about the earthquake. They scare me, big time.
You are doing great after the break up. Stay strong. Hope you get to be a passenger this weekend. Take care of yourself.
sounds like you are keeping your spirits up and moving forward.
Have you ever tried writing down a list of questions (that you now wish you had examined in the beginning of your relationship) when you are at this stage and everything is fresh in your mind?
I am not sure what the list would be - other than:
when he got out of his last relationship (is it really over for both of them?),
addiction background,
debt,
education,
job security,
independence,
maturity,
etc.
I have not dated in over 25 years - so I am sure I am not very "with it". But as I read your post - it occurred to me that NOW while things are still raw and fresh would be a good time to write yourself a letter/list of pointed/blunt things to investigate next time.
HUGS
This comment has been removed by the author.
Oh Cindy, you cannot imagine how wonderful it has been to read your posting. AWESOME in fact. You hit the truth on the head at every point you made. Getting to grips with our weight issues, I am certain has to go hand in hand with getting a grip on our lives and you seem to have made earthshattering progress in all departments.
Wonderful to go to California for your birthday. Sounds something super to look forward to. Including being at your goal weight by then for sure with a brand-new wardrobe.
Am very proud of you for having looked after yourself and let go of something that would have made you miserable. It taught me something very valuable as well. What came to me in a earthshattering negative way at end of 2005 could have been avoided. I had been miserable long before, should have ended it, actually tried to end it, but obviously not hard enough.
Your postings and comments have made a great difference to me. And particularly this last posting was right on the number for me. Thanks for sharing it with us. Here's to wishing you someone incredibly romantic to drive you right into the sunset :>)
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