Taking Care of Me

I overloaded my weekend. I worked, I moved my brother, I helped others, I went to church, I spent time with Man friend. I was barely home. My kids were gone. My dog felt neglected. The cats could care less. Sunday after I went by to see if my brother had packed (he had just begun) I started having panic. I went to Man friend's and went back in his room to rest. His place is my getaway. I don't have to do anything there. He was cooking a roast and the aroma was like incense. Soothing. But I was having a panic attack. I had decided to let brother pack, and rest before the guy with the truck was to meet me. I could not rest, I called a my buddy Joe, my guy friend. He pointed out I was not getting enough rest. Man friend agreed. But who had time for rest, right? Anyway, I almost got resentful and Man friend who was doing nothing wrong, and who offered to go with me to move. And who did go with me to move. I don't know why I targeted him, but I think he noticed and he asked if everything was OK. I was going to leave and sort of in a huff for no reason, it was not even time to go yet. I could not articulate. I wanted him to help me and he was willing to but I did not want to ask. So I just let him give me a long hug. I could not really speak. He said he was going with me and he did.

I had three guys and a truck so we got the stuff moved in an hour. Brother just kept getting it ready and we kept taking it. It was great but I still was not feeling the complete relief. It was a load off, but I still had grandson wanting to be picked up, and a woman I had told I'd visit who was doing very poorly emotionally. And then there was that big fat project for work that I had not put a big enough dent in even though I worked for hours on Saturday. I had to let that go, it was not going to happen. My boss would have to get in reality with me on that one. Then what I did was this - I took brother to his new place, picking up a few last items and saying goodbye to the old place. I went back to Man friend's and let him serve me the dinner he had cooked. Then I told grandson I'd pick him up the next day because he was off school. The visit to the woman in need was delayed long enough for me to snuggle briefly on the couch with Man friend. That was my comfort. My moment to recharge. It was enough to give me the energy for that last push, the visit to the woman. I was tired but I wanted badly to help her.

I ended up being helped by helping her. I showed her what I call "the angry psalms" in the Bible. They are great. They express the emotions I often feel when I am feeling forsaken, lost, frustrated, etc. We laughed. She did not know we could talk to God about heaping hot coals on our enemies or sending them into a pit where they cannot get out. The laughter was the best part. Seeing her laugh. The night before she could not stop crying. I had walked her to her truck and sent her home hoping she'd make it there OK. So to laugh with her and see her take hold of some simple spiritual exercises was more gratifying than anything I'd done all weekend, and it had been quite a productive weekend. I got home late but slept soundly. I felt success even though everyone did not get everything they wanted. Even though I had not accomplished my impossible to-do list. I let the rest go, and did not worry anymore.

It is time to take care of me. Sleep is first. I got eight hours last night. Taking care of the basics is all I am doing now for me. Eating right and sleeping. Getting my own house in order. Just being home with the kids. That stuff. Everything else will fall in place. The brother move is over. He has a great roommate. The lawyer is dismissing the lawsuit today when I bring him the keys. All is well for him. All is really well for me, I just need to sit back long enough to take it in. The kids need extra care right now. Both of them, and I know how to do that. Last night I put them both in the car to run an errand, so we'd be together, I drove around a bit after the errands just to keep together in a close space. Being together matters, even if we are doing nothing at all.

So this week's theme is taking care of me. More will be revealed. Thanks for being part of my care.