Snares
Okay time to go to the confessional. I continued to dabble in the relationship with that one guy who I had determined was not good for me. I took him back and broke up with him about once a week for a while. Over the weekend I confirmed my suspicion that was driving me mad - he has been sleeping with his ex girlfriend for almost the entirety of our relationship. The good news is I know I am not crazy. And I know that my gut feeling, my intuition was correct. I don't need to second guess that God given intuition ever again. But it hurt. I hurts to be lied to even if you see it coming and don't get out of the way in time. I always want to think the best of people but I need to protect myself. So, that chapter, that short story is closing. I often write a poem about the guy after a break up. I am not inspired by this one yet. I just feel ick. Like boiling my body and disinfecting and going to the doctor for tests. When I do write this one I have a feeling it will be humorous.
I managed to run into a guy friend Saturday night in my sorrow and shock over finding out the real truth. It was the first time I had a shoulder to cry on right when I needed it the most - and it was nice that it was a man friend. It felt so good not to deal with it alone. We decided to go to a meeting Sunday morning and had a really fun time afterwards at at little Greek place we found in the city. So I have been up and down - crying and thinking I am worthless and ugly, raging and wanting to graffiti his car with lipstick, and other things. But it will pass. This morning I feel at peace. I think it is good to express the feeling right away, and safely without acting out. I did not eat over it. I actually felt so sick thinking of it all that I LOST my appetite. Imagine that?
I lost a couple of pounds last week. I am moving in weight loss again. There is a HUGE food party going on all day here for a retirement. I have to look the other way. Since I FINALLY lost I do not want to be tripped up by this. I have to leave mid day for an appointment and I may work from home after that.
I don't' regret my summer romance. I have at many times but not today. I used it as a catalyst to personal growth. It made me take a good hard look at MYSELF and my patterns of getting into abusive relationships and then having trouble getting out of them. This is a life long pattern and I can get help for it. There is hope for me. Often survivors of abuse have food issues. I peeled away some of the protective fat and the men showed up. Now I need to deal with how to safely protect myself without using food, or other things. I want to live in the world and not hide from it. I had the insane thought of gaining the weight back so I would not have to deal with men. That is so crazy. All other areas of my life are going well. This bump in the road is not going to take me down. I will learn from it and move on.
So here's to moving on. And learning. Growing and changing. And of course, NEVER giving up. I love you guys.
I managed to run into a guy friend Saturday night in my sorrow and shock over finding out the real truth. It was the first time I had a shoulder to cry on right when I needed it the most - and it was nice that it was a man friend. It felt so good not to deal with it alone. We decided to go to a meeting Sunday morning and had a really fun time afterwards at at little Greek place we found in the city. So I have been up and down - crying and thinking I am worthless and ugly, raging and wanting to graffiti his car with lipstick, and other things. But it will pass. This morning I feel at peace. I think it is good to express the feeling right away, and safely without acting out. I did not eat over it. I actually felt so sick thinking of it all that I LOST my appetite. Imagine that?
I lost a couple of pounds last week. I am moving in weight loss again. There is a HUGE food party going on all day here for a retirement. I have to look the other way. Since I FINALLY lost I do not want to be tripped up by this. I have to leave mid day for an appointment and I may work from home after that.
I don't' regret my summer romance. I have at many times but not today. I used it as a catalyst to personal growth. It made me take a good hard look at MYSELF and my patterns of getting into abusive relationships and then having trouble getting out of them. This is a life long pattern and I can get help for it. There is hope for me. Often survivors of abuse have food issues. I peeled away some of the protective fat and the men showed up. Now I need to deal with how to safely protect myself without using food, or other things. I want to live in the world and not hide from it. I had the insane thought of gaining the weight back so I would not have to deal with men. That is so crazy. All other areas of my life are going well. This bump in the road is not going to take me down. I will learn from it and move on.
So here's to moving on. And learning. Growing and changing. And of course, NEVER giving up. I love you guys.
posted by Cindy at
8:36 AM
3 Comments:
Hmmm...I hear you so loud and clear. When stuff like this happens to me I always tend to turn it inwards and take it out on my body and believe that it is about MY "ugliness". I am glad that you realised it was NOT your fault or about your body... and that you had a RIGHT to feel the rage and anger and also the loss. It is the "rawness" of it all that allows us to be gentle with ourselves this time round.
Good job getting rid of the guy and also not regretting the experience. I figure that if I learn something from relationships, it's not all bad!! :-)
I'm so sorry to hear what happened. Been there, done that and the sense of feeling crazy and betrayal is pretty overwhelming. But at least you know what the truth is. It's not your fault as you know and you're not regretting it.
I'm glad you can see the good things about it. Not many people do as you know. Hang in there and we're here for you.
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home