Daybreak

A new day is dawning. I saw a fresh number on the scale -165. I am determined to sustain it. I brought no food with me at work this morning. I had my soy cereal and skim milk before leaving which I actually measured out just to make sure I did not overdo it. I held out and did not eat any vending machine stuff and ran to the grocery on my lunch hour. I had a tuna fillet - those vacuum packed ones and then some yogurt with bran cereal. I was so starving at the store it was tempting to get some instant fix. But I waited and I had a few grapes on the way back to the office to get my sugar level up. Then I ate the meal. I am very full as I sit here now. It is 1:30 p.m. I usually eat earlier. I am marveling that I waited and had the healthy choice. It feels good.

I think I am getting the stability back in my personal life. Post yo-yo relationship with that one guy. The weather is cooling down the back patio is inviting in the morning for sitting and reading my daily meditations. I have been faithful to my daily readings and meditation. My attitude and outlook on life are improved by it. I am seeing the truth about me and my personality, my situations and relationships with other people. It has been painful. I am not as nice as I thought I was. But there is plenty of good in me. And that's what I am focusing on today. What we think upon grows. So I am going to grow the good stuff and weed out the other stuff.

I feel as if I have been beaten into submission somehow. I am tired, having not slept much. Maybe that has something to do with it. I am ready to do what it takes to improve my life and not return to old ways. This little loss of a few pounds is a pleasant reminder that I have changed very much. But removing the battle of the food has uncovered the scary stuff I ate to avoid. And that's what I have been facing. I am not turning away. There is no where to hide anymore. I am finding kind, supportive people to help me along my way.

Weight watchers is coming to my place of employment. I am signing up. We will meet on Thursdays. I am not sure when it starts. But it goes for 13 weeks. This should be interesting. I want some extra push so I stay in the game for the last ten or maybe twenty pounds. I feel like I will be happy with ten more lost but I'd like to have a BMI that is normal. And I think I need to lose 15 to get to that. Depending on my true height. I am not haggling over BMI's though. It is just a number, but at the same time I'd like to be just inside the normal. Just for once. We will see.

So, I think I need a comedy film festival. Something hysterically funny. I am way too serious today. I feel I just crawled out of trainwreck and I am not sure if I am alive or a ghost.

More will be revealed.