Hamster Wheel
I had a vision, or image when I was getting ready to go to bed on Saturday night. I thought of my Sunday mornings for the past couple of months, which usually involved waking up at MF's and then driving home to get ready for church and then going back to pick MF up and then going to church. I rarely got much sleep on Saturday night and I barely had time to get ready on Sunday mornings, always a rush, like Friday evenings, when I'd get the kids to their activities by just the right time to pick up MF to go to where we went every Friday. It's been somewhat of a relief not to do all the stuff, even though I have had moments of being lonesome and missing parts of it. But I saw in my mind a hamster running in one of those wheels that spin and go nowhere. I was the hamster, running and running and spinning the wheel and going nowhere. I don't know for sure why I saw that. But it made some sense to me, although somewhat startling.
I think for my next boyfriend if I go to church with him, I want him to come and pick me up. And drive me. In fact the driving thing is definately a requirement, people. What was I thinking??
I am off the wheel. I'm a little dizzy and worn out but I am getting better every day. Sunday morning I played Handel's Messiah and cleaned my refrigerator. It was a spiritual experience. Saturday morning I met a woman who lives in my area who is friends with a good friend of mine. It was a beautiful day and afterwards I took a drive, had lunch in a small pretty town where there was an art fair, and I took a hike on the river trail. Saturday night I went to a meditation class at a Buddhist temple. Interesting. Sunday afternoon daughter and I went to see my good friend's son play in his band. My weekend was not absent of activity but my pace was easier to keep up with.
My weight stayed the same last week even though I did not overeat and my exercise was good. I am okay with it. Maybe I need a week or two of maintenance before I have another loss. Right now I need to dedicate some time to healing and taking extra good care of myself. I found myself feeling sad at times over the weekend which I am sure is normal under the circumstances. Nice that I am not soothing myself with food. Who says we have to lay around and eat ice cream when we break up with our MF's?
What's the lesson of the wheel? I don't know right now. I guess that's why I always say that more will be revealed.
posted by Cindy at
9:24 AM
5 Comments:
First the garden, and now the hamster wheel, both super analogies for me. The hamster wheel for me represents mindless living when I am either mindlessly pursuing the same thing over and over again or running away from the same things that I am scared off instead of facing them head-on. This was a good posting again Cindy. I also loved your little trip out of town and going on a hike by the river. Could just hear the water rushing, that ALWAYS brings peace to me.
Sounds as though you are FULLY present in your life on a moment by moment basis. Agreed, someone needs to fetch you and pamper you as you deserve to be pampered. Would be nice if he even helps you into the passenger side of the car. Think you are well on your way to that point :>)
Life will keep getting better, you'll keep finding more peace, as the days go by and you are off the hamster wheel.
I had to smile at your spiritual experience of cleaning the fridge. I wonder if that's the first time that's happened to someone while scrubbing a major appliance. =) Handel would be proud.
I, too smiled at your "spiritual experience" of cleaning out the refrigerator.
Your weekend certainly sounded busy but if it was at a pace you prefer - than yay you!
Cindy, I would love to read more about your meditation class.
good for you
A day late.... I have been thinking about your Ginger and MaryAnne problem. Have had the same problem as you know. Fat I was/am MaryAnne. Thin I was Ginger. This double life intrigues men at first, and then it scares the hell out of them. I think I may have to blog about this. You write very interesting stuff.
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