Off the Caffeine and letting go
This is my second day off of coffee, and all caffeine. I have been wanting to do this for some time. I just couldn't bring myself to break the addiction. I used coffee like a drug. It was great, gave me a lift. But sometimes the lift was a little too high. It is hard for me to regulate things like that. I found myself having trouble concentrating on my work, being irritable, overbearing, moody and all sorts of other afflictions. Some of that may not be attributable to the coffee but I believe the coffee may intensify it.
The withdrawal was accidental. I hit a very low depression point Monday night. I felt in the depths of despair. I stayed home from work and did some sleeping. I decided then to go ahead and get off of the coffee. I only had one slight headache late in the day. Since I already felt very lousy, it didn't matter, I just felt the lousiness of it all and let it wash over me. I went with it. I was having regrets of a lifetime of relationships with men that didn't, wouldn't or couldn't love me. I accepted my own part in choosing these guys, and getting too involved with them too fast, and so on. And I decided I can live different from now on. But it still felt, and feels pretty lousy. It is like realizing the pain I inflicted on myself with food. It was scary, because I did not know if I could change. And I felt remorse for harming myself, and others.
My eating has been OK. So to be depressed and not use food is a wonderful thing. I know I am getting better. Overcoming the food demon is huge. So it gives me hope that the relationship demon can also be overcome. I want to be optimistic like I was last week but today I just feel low. Maybe I need to feel the lowness for a little while in order to move on.
I have not gained any weight and I have not lost any weight, so I am maintaining my loss. That's great. It is the end of the month, and Grumpy used to have a letting go ritual with a balloon to release things. I think I want to do that today. I want to make a list of the things I want to let go of, get myself a balloon, tie the list to it, and watch it get smaller and smaller as it rises up to the sky until it disappears completely. I need that. It's been a bittersweet kind of month.
The withdrawal was accidental. I hit a very low depression point Monday night. I felt in the depths of despair. I stayed home from work and did some sleeping. I decided then to go ahead and get off of the coffee. I only had one slight headache late in the day. Since I already felt very lousy, it didn't matter, I just felt the lousiness of it all and let it wash over me. I went with it. I was having regrets of a lifetime of relationships with men that didn't, wouldn't or couldn't love me. I accepted my own part in choosing these guys, and getting too involved with them too fast, and so on. And I decided I can live different from now on. But it still felt, and feels pretty lousy. It is like realizing the pain I inflicted on myself with food. It was scary, because I did not know if I could change. And I felt remorse for harming myself, and others.
My eating has been OK. So to be depressed and not use food is a wonderful thing. I know I am getting better. Overcoming the food demon is huge. So it gives me hope that the relationship demon can also be overcome. I want to be optimistic like I was last week but today I just feel low. Maybe I need to feel the lowness for a little while in order to move on.
I have not gained any weight and I have not lost any weight, so I am maintaining my loss. That's great. It is the end of the month, and Grumpy used to have a letting go ritual with a balloon to release things. I think I want to do that today. I want to make a list of the things I want to let go of, get myself a balloon, tie the list to it, and watch it get smaller and smaller as it rises up to the sky until it disappears completely. I need that. It's been a bittersweet kind of month.
posted by Cindy at
10:56 AM
5 Comments:
Yes you can overcome the relationship demon. I did/am. I think it must be very like overcoming the food demon. Use the same principles. I am telling myself this also. Take care.
I sympathize with your agonizing over "bad" relationships -- it took me until I was 42 to find "the one". BUT, and I hope you get to this place too, I do not regret all the WRONG ones (and I had some doozies!)...without having those experiences I wouldn't have had the tools or tenacity to really make it work with the one who was worth waiting for and working with. The times with the wrong ones helped me know myself better too.
You have gone through two break-ups in a year and that is very tough...but I'm sure you learned from each situation and I'm also sure that the next one will be better. :-) Give yourself a little time...it hasn't been that long...we've gotta grieve the wrong ones in order to be ready to go forward.
Sending hugs your way...
You've overcome so much. I don't have anything to say that won't sound trite or canned, so I'll just say that I'm glad you can share, and we're all here for you. Hugs.
Think Laura has said it for me too. Lots of hugs from the Middle East. Am totally blown away with how great you are dealing with life's challenges.
Took me quite a while to find this little paragraph, but I am glad I did because the magazine date was in it. I encourage you to find this magazine at the library and read this story.
"I read a story (February 2008, Oprah) about a woman that had no luck in finding a life partner (one divorce, one death) and REALLY wanted one. She ended up at some type of session where the woman told her to go home and write a list of 100 things that she wanted in a life mate. After writing the list she was to put it away and trust the universe. When she met someone, years later, she shared the list and he felt that he met 98 of the 100 wishes. The two that he didn't were something like skiing and sailing and she said she could happily live with 98 out of 100."
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