Corn and Sky

Last night I had a craving for cornfields at night and big endless sky. It hit me while driving past the corn which is high now and fragrant. The smell of corn in the night summer air is a part of the me long ago. The wild adventurous me. The free me. The me before loving a man took me down. I remembered my first love. His name was James. He was not the love that took me down, that came later. I met him while walking for mankind in my bikini. I was 15 going on 16. It was the annual Walk for Mankind over a twenty mile stretch of roads. We had pledges per mile from people to raise money. We were young and it was a great way to take off all over the countryside without supervision. I went with my friend Sheila who taught me how to laugh with reckless abandon. James lived along the way and we asked him for a drink as he sat in his yard. He walked the rest of the way with us. Just to get to know me.

James was an intelligent Hippie type and I knew he liked me for me. I knew he was capable of knowing me, the deep down me. The weird and quirky me. After meeting me James later told me that he walked the lenghth of Wild Horse Creek Road, where I lived, just looking for me. Wild Horse Creek is about a twenty mile road as far as I can estimate, perhaps longer. That may be the most romantic thing a man has ever told me. James and I walked among the cornfields and wandered together. We fell for each other. I only recall kissing him just a few times. Romantic kisses. He was a little older and I was shy. He respected my boundary. It was a summer of exploration and adventure and sweet crushes and affection. When I went back to school I stopped talking to James and I never understood why. I drifted off from him. He called and it was different. I met Tom, and became an abused teenage pregnacy. James eventually married a woman and had two kids and later did time for manufacturing LSD. Summer Hippie Love. And the sweet smell of corn in the cool night air.

Last night I wondered why I turned away from that sweetness, that respect, that love of me for who I really was. (forget the LSD manufacturing for moment). It baffles me. And why I ended up with Tom, the twisted, bitter one, who loved me as an object, a sweet little thing to dominate and hold down. Where does it come from, and will it ever leave? I drove out into the night last night with my little dog for protection. Into the deep countryside, looking for my corn and the big dark sky full of stars. I winded through the darkness not knowing if I would find what I was looking for. I hit a small town after driving a half hour or so, and just when I was thinking I was not going to find anything, I looked to my left and saw a huge moon over a clearing. It was so bright it took me by surprise. I slowed and saw a trailhead parking lot. I pulled in and in front of me was a gravel road leading out into the darkness toward that moon.

I parked and took the dog into the remote unknown, a little scared but feeling the emergence of my old brave self. The one who had a reckless faith that got her into trouble sometimes. I walked and walked excited by the vast beautiful land. I was in the river bottom but it was so dark I could not make out the scenery except for a magnificent tree against the night sky. As I walked on the corn emerged. It was as if it had hidden itself until I arrived. I felt it was all for me. My secret gift with God. My night sky, my sweet smelling corn, the stars and even a bright moon to guide me. I cried. For what I am not sure. As I walked along the rows of corn at least a head taller than me, the moon followed just above the tassles of the corn. I asked it questions and I gave up my sorrows. I surrendered my fears and admitted defeat. Over what I don't know.
He's not the one. I kept hearing back. He's not the one. He's not the one.
I don't know what it all means but I feel I met my maker out there in the corn under that endless sky.

I lost about five pounds last week having my bullshit romance. Sorry, I am sick of romance. I want to be alone. It is easier. I kill myself with turmoil over men. Useless, needless turmoil. In my head. I can't enjoy it. I just can't right now. It has to stop. I am not ready. Maybe after a while, just not now. No wonder I got fat. You get fat and the cute boys leave you alone. But I don't have to do that anymore. I can live in the world of men. I can take my time. They don't have to take over my life. I don't have to give up myself to be loved by another.

I am trying to eat. That sounds really odd coming from me. Food makes me feel icky sometimes. I don't want to lose this fast. I have a business trip next week I am preparing for. I want to go have some fun this holiday. I have been getting lots of exercise, trying to run away from that relationship and all. I went to the gym today also. And of course, the walk in the corn. The sweet, blessed walk in the corn. I can't wait to go back.