Gut Level Honesty
This morning I arrived at training school to see two big platters of these bodacious giant muffin shaped iced Cinnamon roles. I resisted even though I was hungry. I had not breakfast, had no time. Stayed up with boy last night. He brought roses. Egad, I don't think I can do this. I have to write about this because I am bombarded with negative feelings and there is no rational basis. I don't want to shave my legs all the time. I don't want to feel like I have to look pretty all the time. I don't want him to discover what flabby places exist on my body. I don't want him to see me in shorts, a swimsuit and by all means never in less than that. I don't want to wonder if he finds other women attractive. I don't want to wonder what he is doing when he is not with me, or wonder anything about him at all. These thoughts are not generated by him. They are mine. They would be there about any man, prince Charming, Mr. Perfect. They are my insecurities. They are there and liking a guy and even being liked back by the guy stirs them up and here they come to rob and cheat me out of my peace and joy.
I hate them, these thoughts. All of them. I want to banish them. I will give up and eat pop tarts if I don't. Damn them. I want to write them all down and burn them. I was not ready for this. Cute boy with flowers, calling every night. Mutual attraction. I feel stupid for having reservations. I feel stupid for not wanting to go the distance, for wanting to bail out before the deeper feelings arrive. I feel exhausted just thinking of what still lurks in my bag of feelings regarding men. I feel like I am not ready.
Maybe I can sleep this off. He asked me if I liked fried chicken. I don't' want to talk about fried chicken. I don't want him to know I have an ongoing deal with food. I am not ready. I did not look for him. In fact when I met him I was content not to have one. Why did he show up with his cuteness and roses and kisses. I feel like now I have to deal with the stuff I have been able to comfortably avoid by simply checking out of that world of men.
I better pray and go to bed. This is most likely gibberish. I don't want to clean my room, I don't want to tell him my past. Well some of it anyway. I don't want to deal with feelings. I don't want to get naked. I want to run and hide somewhere. I used to call my old stand by lovers sometimes when I felt I was falling for someone so I could wreck the sweet relationship I was about to have. I ran from nice guys like they were poison. The scared daylights out of me. I don't want to do that now. I want to be able to relax and see what happens. The relaxing part is what is not coming. I cannot sleep. My eating is sporadic. I fidget. I daydream.
sorry for the giberish. I just don't want to eat
I hate them, these thoughts. All of them. I want to banish them. I will give up and eat pop tarts if I don't. Damn them. I want to write them all down and burn them. I was not ready for this. Cute boy with flowers, calling every night. Mutual attraction. I feel stupid for having reservations. I feel stupid for not wanting to go the distance, for wanting to bail out before the deeper feelings arrive. I feel exhausted just thinking of what still lurks in my bag of feelings regarding men. I feel like I am not ready.
Maybe I can sleep this off. He asked me if I liked fried chicken. I don't' want to talk about fried chicken. I don't want him to know I have an ongoing deal with food. I am not ready. I did not look for him. In fact when I met him I was content not to have one. Why did he show up with his cuteness and roses and kisses. I feel like now I have to deal with the stuff I have been able to comfortably avoid by simply checking out of that world of men.
I better pray and go to bed. This is most likely gibberish. I don't want to clean my room, I don't want to tell him my past. Well some of it anyway. I don't want to deal with feelings. I don't want to get naked. I want to run and hide somewhere. I used to call my old stand by lovers sometimes when I felt I was falling for someone so I could wreck the sweet relationship I was about to have. I ran from nice guys like they were poison. The scared daylights out of me. I don't want to do that now. I want to be able to relax and see what happens. The relaxing part is what is not coming. I cannot sleep. My eating is sporadic. I fidget. I daydream.
sorry for the giberish. I just don't want to eat
posted by Cindy at
10:36 PM
4 Comments:
Cindy! This sounds so exciting...relax into letting it be exciting and FUN. It is good to enjoy getting roses (yikes, it was ages until I got them from DB!) and kisses (I got those a lot faster!). I am wishing that this time with him is warm and loving and fun and free like it sounds like it will be. I am HAPPY for you! Hope you feel the same. :-)
Ditto what Helen said.
"I don't want to shave my legs all the time." "I don't want to discuss fried chicken." Panda you slay me. Too funny.
Go slow. Every night is too much. Like cheesecake at every meal. Overwhelming. What's the rush? Enjoy a long courtship. But what do I know? We dated for two months and then got married.
Ditto what Helen said.
Cindy -
You crack me up, and then I know it is so real.
When I first went on a (blind!) date with my sweetheart, I was freaking out like you are. I didn't want to acknowledge that here was someone I was instantly so comfortable with and interested in. My self-esteem didn't let me believe in him either. So I spazzed out on the phone to my best friend, who was on her way to South America. She said, "relax! It's a date. It's not a contract, it's not a promise for more. It's a date. Go out with him again. The whole point is that you are figuring things out with each other. See what happens - the worst thing that could happen is if you never find out if he's good for you." Well, by the time she got back from South America, I was in love. And now, 6 years later, I'm still very much in love.
Also - who's asking you to shave your legs or get naked? You don't have to do anything until you feel ready for it. (Now I sound like the parent of a 15 year old)
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