I surrender Old Version

Speaking of Positive......

2008-09-10T08:37:00.003-05:00

More positive thoughts -

Since I believe what we think upon grows, I am still focusing on the postives in my life - here are today's thoughts:

School is going good for both kids so far this year. We have a stable home environment and I am there giving a balance of freedom, supervision, guidance and discipline. My daughter has changed almost dramatically. I realized yesterday that she is rarely yelling or screeching. She seems more relaxed, is dedicated to her grades and schoolwork. She does her chores regularly and is committed to improving her health and school attendance. My grandson is socializing more and seems to enjoy school this year more than ever. He is also diligent about his schoolwork. He joined the jazz group after school. He's a self starter and not afraid to try new things. Overall things are going great at home.

My job is going good, too. Since my boss returned from maternity leave she has been very positive about me. I had a good performance review. My rough period was acknowledged but she said I had improved greatly and was doing very good. We talked about dealing with difficult people, and my challenges. I told her I'd like her to mentor me more. I signed up for a Dealing with Difficult People seminar. Maybe I will learn to deal with me!! Hee hee -

One thought I have had is that some of my personality changes that caused some problems had to do with my adjustment to my weight loss. I was on a bit of a "high" last Summer. It was the first time I felt good in my body in years. I may have gotten a little extreme and too intense. I have come down to earth now and can see it. All a part of the process...

I went to the gym yesterday and felt alive again. As I worked out I noticed that I am in good shape. I feel good about my body. I love to work out. I did my routine on the lower body equipment plus my cardio. It put me back in focus.

My night eating was even better last night. I had my yogurt, fruit and bran. I was not fighting off urges. I have accepted that in order to be in good health I need to eat less at night, and stay away from those high starch, high glycemic foods. I am good with that. I want to eat to fuel my body.

My daughter walked the dog last night. I was watching the end of a movie when she left, but I jogged uphill and walked briskly to catch up with them at the swan pond. It felt great.

I feel good this morning. Back in the swing of things. Slump is fading away. I am sure me and the scale with make up soon.

More will be revealed.

Non Scale Victories & Gratitude

2008-09-09T09:32:00.003-05:00

Since me and the scale have not been on the best terms I am going to list some non-scale victories of late:

Resisting temptations:

I resisted ice cream; birthday cake; cup cakes and other treats

I reduced my evening eating, and when I just could not resist food at all, I had fruit.

Exercize:

I did a "navy seal push up" as taught by my son.

My arms are in the best shape I have ever seen them - due to my continued work with my ten pound weights at home. I like my arms and that is a real treat.

I can do things with my abs I never thought I could do. I keep up with my morning routine which involves an ab move and upper body weights at the same time, it combines a V-sit, leg lift with a simultaneous weigth lift with the arms. Hard to describe but I am thrilled I can do it on my weakest days. In fact sometimes I do them just to remind myself that I can.

Other body image stuff:

My clothes still fit. All the smaller sizes.

I recieved compliments on my vacation picures and the reality is I am still the same size. Having photos of myself that I actually like is a new and wonderful experience.

That's enough for now. I have a nagging feeling of depression, but I am still functioning. It is pissing me off. I am going to rebel against it by acting happy or something. My "smart-a--" survival tool is kicking in I think.

I am signing up for a seminar on how to deal with difficult people. Since I am a difficult person, too, the bonus will be maybe I will be better at dealing with me! It is in November, paid for by work. How nice is that?

When I got in my car today, I looked back at my condo, and my front porch with pots of flowers and thanked God or the Universe or Whoever is out there for my beautiful home. Even without a pretty place to live, I would have much to be grateful for. If I was not feeling so pissed off all the time lately...! What is the deal???? I don't know whether to laugh or break stuff.

More will be revealed.

The Difference

2008-09-06T19:36:00.006-05:00

It's Saturday evening and I am in my chair. The window is open and the evening is cool. I feel safe and secure and relaxed. I have had this undercurrent of low grade depression and that feeling of not wanting to show up for stuff, or leave the house. But the difference is that I know it is just a feeling, and I go ahead and do my stuff anyway. Like work. I went all week. I went the week I was sick. And my Saturday morning group. I did not want to go. Not because I did not want to see them, but more because I did not want them to see me. Sometimes I feel that way, but now I go anyway. And I am always glad when I do.

I went to see my son today for the first time in two months I think. We talked about fitness. He does hundreds of push ups a day in his prison cell. He has lots of time on his hands. He told me of some variations he does on the push ups. He also does squats and abdominal stuff. I think he has been exercising three hours a day. I am so glad he does this. I believe it keeps him sane in a very insane environment. It keeps his self respect and probably helps him stay out of depression. I asked him if he wanted me to send him some Yoga postures and he surprised me and said yes. I have been suggesting Yoga for years. Seeing him today really lifted my spirits and inspired me.

I was inspired to do more exercising at home in my room. Mornings I do a little but now I want to increase. I am not sure I will be able to pull of fthe navy seal push up but I can start trying. I want to focus on tone. I agree with what Vickie was describing, that our bodies may weigh more but actually look smaller because of the whole muscle verses fat deal. Plus, for me, exercise feels good. It gives me a feeling of competence.

I am marveling at the difference in me. I made it two weeks since that icky Weed episode and a significant illness, and instead of hiding out, I continued to participate in life. I have been very present for the kids, my job, and my other relationships and activities. And, even though I have been feeling "fat" I have stayed tuned in to what I am eating. Reality. It is not so bad actually.

I like what Vickie said, "gently bundle it up and blow it away" - that's what I am doing with the negative thoughts. They are not me. They are remnants of the past. They are not real at all. They are not me. There is a very new me here today. I'm still getting to know her.

Swelling Again

2008-09-05T08:56:00.003-05:00

Glad it's Friday but wish I'd skipped the weigh in. I was two pound up and feel swollen. I had salt last night. Bummer. I feel like right now my body is real sensitive to everything. I will have to be super drastic if I want the pounds to come off. I can't even eat like I ate when I was five pounds thinner. It is weird but I just need to accept it and make the adjustments. One thing is the lack of exercise which I will be starting again this weekend. The anti biotic I was on made me nervous about working out because there was a link to it and tendon injuries. Being older makes me more wary of these types of things.

So, self acceptance is the concept for today. Accepting that I am in a phase where it is really easy to gain and rather tricky to lose. I have a choice, I can get real drastic and lose in spite of the phase, or be not so drastic and live with the fluctuation, knowing that it will pass and I will again resume the losing spree I have been on for some three years now. All in all, I am still 50 pounds down from 2005 and have much to be grateful for. I am not binging, and in fact I continue to pass up temptations every day. For example, we had an office lunch yesterday and I passed completely on the appetizers. I had my salad and steamed veggies.

This is a dangerous time for me, because of the tendency to get doom and gloom thinking and say what's the use. Or to live all day obsessing about that feeling of tightness in my waistline, and let it dominate how I feel about life. I am not going to do that. I can use that feeling of tightness to influence my food choices in a good way, while accepting that it's one of those days, and if I keep on making the better choices, I will reap the benefits.

I am trying to steer myself into positive thinking and stay there. I keep teetering. I just don't get my body. I recall a few months ago "accidentally" losing pounds when I was not even trying....sheesh!!

Moving in the right Direction

2008-09-04T10:06:00.002-05:00

Today the scale was down a couple of pounds, thank goodness. My passing up temptations is paying off. I am still not where I want to be with my food intake but I am getting better.

I am over the sickness, too. That helps. I want to start working out again soon. Things feel sort of normal again. I even cleaned a section of my room. It is the part of the room where I first enter, so it makes a huge difference on how I feel when I go in my room.

Little bits at a time add up to a big difference. That's my thought for the day.

2008-09-02T09:31:00.004-05:00

This morning I decided to look at my weight on the scale as if I woke up a year ago and weighed myself. I would have a feeling of miraculous wonder! Amazement and awe! It is working so far.

Battling my Fattitude

2008-09-01T12:26:00.003-05:00

I found myself with a bit of a dangerous fattiude this weekend. Fattitude is my new word for when I have a "fat" attitude. Where my thinking is obsessive about being fat, and I am overly focused on the fat parts of my body, my weight and so on. I have been drinking water constantly this weekend to help get rid of the nasty illness I have. I feel bloated and my weight went up. I feel I am retaining and swelling. I have been passing up all kinds of foods and I know I am not eating enough to gain. So, patience is required. I cannot exercise or exert myself much because I am trying to recover from illness.

It is hot and hideous outside. The air quality is dangerous. I am holing up, and resting. I did visit with my sister on Saturday and that was fun, but it wore me out and all I did was sit outside all evening. I passed on the cake at the party and drank water. I was a little pissed to see my weight go up but I need to ignore that. Sunday morning I managed to make it to church service and I am so glad I did. I have not been back since vacation. As I was leaving, the music director pulled up in his van with his family and said they missed me at Bible class. I said I missed them, too and that I would be back. He said I always have good input. It felt very good to have been missed. I had already been talking myself out of going, thinking that since I was not in the choir or music team I really did not belong. Silly me!!

Today we are supposed to meet my sister, but I am not sure if I am up to it. I do have to drive to pick up grandson so perhaps we can meet for a meal somewhere. The sickness is getting better but I have felt weak and feverish at times. I don't want to play around with this, it could impact my kidneys. So I am sloshing around with the water and trying not to eat much because I am getting zero exercise. I want to do my weights and stuff but I don't think it is a good idea. Getting well is a good idea.

So back to the fattitude. To combat the fattitude I am looking back at old posts and looking at pictures and thinking about my progress and not my regressions, if any. I am planning out healthy foods and need to keep track. That way I can look at what I ate and realize I am not overeating. I don't want to obsess over it, but I want to do enough about it to put me in reality. The doom and gloom thinking is destructive and I am not wanting to go there anymore.

I will keep resting and looking at the positive side of my life for now. Here is something I wrote about a year ago in a post, it applies today:

"Overall, as far as eating is concered, my worst days now are far better than my best days were before. I get all freaked out because I have a bag of microwave popcorn when in the old days I'd have three. There is much to be thankful for and today I want to focus on that. It would be too easy to take this bloated feeling I have in my tummy and run with it. Or take the two or three pound gain and use it to beat myself up and say what's the use? What's the use is a dangerous place for me to go."

I like that. I think I will listen to myself today and just be happy!

Getting Stable

2008-08-29T10:32:00.005-05:00

I went to the doctor and got antibiotics yesterday. I always ask them what my weight was the last time I was there. I had lost 8 pounds since the last time I was there. It was a nice reminder at a time when I needed a mental uplift. Even though I fluctuated up a little, I am still way down from where I used to be.

This week had its ups and downs. It was a difficult week in some ways but a victorious week in others. For one, I went to work every day, cooked dinner every night, took care of myself, and was a very present parent to the kids - and so on. I did not sink into the abyss of depression. I stayed alive. Very important basic stuff.

I am focused on stabilization. Stablizing my emotions. Keeping my routine, and taking care of my immediate responsibilities and needs. That is stability to me right now.

My sister is coming tomorrow. I am going to go to a party with her for one of her friend's 50th. I think it will be nice to go and see people I don't really know and some that I may know a little. A nice change. I have not made any other plans for the weekend. I want to stay home. I like home. It is safe and secure.

I just re-read an AFG post, and I am going to use a quote today, in my head, as a mantra - "just when the caterpiller thought the world was over, it became a butterfly" - that's exactly what I need to hear today. Thanks go to L.G. for the posting!

I am very glad it's Friday!

I Refuse to be a Victim

2008-08-25T09:37:00.008-05:00

I had a very unpleasant Weed "relapse" this weekend. (Weed is a guy, for anyone who does not already know- a reoccurring X). I initiated it. Me and my friend Denial. I have my counseling appointment Thursday. I had been thinking about not going because I had no Weed in my life and I was feeling so good about it, having not even felt like contacting him and being so secure in my happy, safe life of staying home. Maybe I needed the encounter to put me back in reality that YES I need counseling. I am feeling stable today. Yesterday was not too pretty but I still functioned, took care of my kids, my pets, my flowers, cooked us a nice dinner, etc. Just wanted to die on the inside. I ate banana bread and chocolate, but I stopped. I will get over it. I hate feeling so dramatic. It is embarrassing. The victim thing, and self abuse. That is what the Weed deal is about - I think. But what do I know? I am the one who still participates in the BS...

Success and happiness are my natural conditions - I have a right to them. I refuse to accept anything less than harmony for my life anymore. I can have a happy and joyous life so long as I, myself, insist on it, and make decisions that get me there... and stop making decisions that hold me back. . . . something like that.

I am getting out the shovel to dig up the roots of the weeds in my life. And I am strong enough, and know how to use a shovel.

More will be revealed.

Greetings from the Chair

2008-08-20T06:56:00.002-05:00

2008-08-20T06:30:00.007-05:00

I want to make the muscle vs. fat picture a permanent part of my blog but cannot figure out how to include it in my template/layout. I am going to have to fix some things about my blog. Some people cannot view it without seeing text on top of text. If anyone has any knowledge of how to fix these things, let me know. I want to include a couple of pictures on my layout as permanent fixtures. Maybe a few.

Anyway, my weekend was full of rest. I did not leave the house from noon Saturday until Monday morning. It was great. I am on budget and activity restrictions - self imposed. I am trying to get finances and commitments under control. It is working out fine. I am enjoying what we have and not purchasing anything we don't need. Staying home was so nice. On Saturday I did nothing but watch movies and TV shows. I never do that. I pay for cable and never watch it. It is a great form of relaxation and entertainment. I am not a fan of constant TV viewing but it is nice in moderation. I slept ten hours Saturday night. I missed church but got much needed rest. I cleaned downstairs and made a nice dinner on Sunday that the kids and I sat together and enjoyed.

It felt stable and secure to be home all weekend. I tended the flowers and pets. I nested. Did not get to my room, but that would have been too overwhelming of a project for a restful weekend. Now that the downstairs is stabilized I may be able to work in my room in the upcoming weekend.

My weight is stabilizing as well. I still want to get back down to where I was but I am not fluctuating or gaining. My daily diet is becoming more consistent and my appetite is slowing down.

I am beginning to like getting up earlier. I took the dog for a walk to the swan pond this morning. It was very nice. Cool, and the sun was still rising. I have not been to the gym yet since going on vacation. Ironic - since I posted my muscle vs. fat picture and all, but I plan to get back on schedule with that soon. Work has been too busy and I have not had the opportunity to leave. I am doing my exercises at home, but have been more focused on getting rest. I was very tired much of last week.

It has been an adjustment, - the new school schedule and getting up earlier. There has been a little battling over things that keep my daughter awake like texting all night long from her phone. But I think we may have made a breakthrough. We both got a good night's sleep last night. It makes a huge difference.

Just realized that since 2005 I have lost 1/4 of my body weight...now that is pretty astounding to me at the moment. I like to bring up these little facts when I am feeling sluggish and and at a standstill. They inspire me.

Gifts from the Universe

2008-08-17T20:02:00.005-05:00

My new center of operations! A friend I made as a result of the Manfriend episode passed this on to me. I had admired it. She got it for three bucks..then while she was watching my dog she bought a set that included a chaise at a garage sale. This little treasure went outside. She told me I could pick it up and have it. I always wanted one but could never afford one. It is perfect for laptop, reading and being present downstairs for my family. I have curled up and napped in it, too. I like it because now I am downstairs in the livingroom more instead of holed up in my room. It also completes the room, fills a blank space,adds color and style and keeps me moreavailable for the kids. I told them when I am not home the chair represents my presence. I faced it outward, toward the couch and away from the TV. If I really want to I can move it for movie watching if we need it. But it resides in the corner under the lamp, beside the window. Perfect for my morning meditations and coffee, too!! I consider it a gift from the Universe!

Muscle vs. Fat

2008-08-15T13:51:00.000-05:00

Just a quick post to show the difference between fat and muscle when it comes to our mass. It helps me understand size, and realize that the scale and the BMI are helpful but not the entire picture. It also makes a person like me want to work out more!!!

Changes

2008-08-14T12:28:00.000-05:00

Changed my blog style so my pictures and weight loss ticker would show up better. I also adjusted my weight since I had that gain right before vacation. Working on losing that and getting to that goal of 145. Want to keep accountable so I will adjust it each week.

I am back to measuring and planning regularly. It is the only way I know to lose and maintain loss. I don't always stick to it exactly, but it keeps me in a safe range of eating.

Speaking of changes, Lynn's comment on my last post has sparked some thinking (see below). The victim state of mind - and it's relationship to weight/food/eating. I'd like to start a dialogue on that. There is a relationship. With food - If I was the victim, the perpetrator was me. Realizing that, I could take steps to stop the self abuse. If I saw the "perpetrator" as situations outside my control, then I stayed in the same old habits..... There is a change in how I look at things. I see where I choose things, instead of feeling like I am at the mercy of situations. I also see where I cannot change things, but I can make adjustments of my own to lessen any negative impact situations or people have on me. I keep the focus more on what I do, and how it impacts me.

Food for thought?

Vacation Non-Scale Victories

2008-08-13T13:20:00.000-05:00

I thought I'd take a minute to list my vacation NSV's, since the last time I went to CA I weighed at least 40-50 pounds heavier:

Feeling the same size as my sister. I may not weigh the same but I did not feel "bigger" at all.

Airplane seat was roomy, and I had to tighten the seat belt instead of the other way around.

Running easily. Climbing hills easily. I don't recall ever feeling out of breath or running out of energy. In fact, I had energy to spare, and was always up for a good hike or physical challenge.

Enjoying food. I was never embarrassed about what or how much I ate. I never had that feeling I used to have about eating in front of people - like I should eat less, and avoid the "fattening" stuff.

Enjoying food, without over doing. I had some great meals but did not go overboard. I balanced heavier meals with eating less afterward. I did not feel guilty about anything I ate except for once when I had the top of a brownie after what seemed like a pretty big meal..

Being able to go over a week without weighing myself.

At the spa, in the steam room, the towel fit nicely around my body. I was not self-conscious at all around the other women.

I was not self-conscious about my body during my full body massage at the spa.

Compliments from my sister regarding my fitness and ability to do push-ups, etc.

Layering my tops without feeling bulky.

That's all I can think of for now. I like to take time to acknowledge my progress, especially when I am at a plateau or experiencing a small gain. It keeps me motivated to keep on doing what has worked. Being good to myself works. And setting boundaries and realistic limits.

Zero Tolerance a/k/a Clear the Decks

2008-08-12T10:07:00.000-05:00

I feel like I am having some sort of epiphany. It started on vacation and at turning 50. Here is the deal: Life seems precious to me more and more than ever. Each moment, each second. I have no guarantee on how much longer I have. Quality is now essential to me. I am inspired today to reduce the amount of BS I allow into my life. That's putting it pretty blunt. But it is a blunt moment that I am having.

I can choose many aspects of my life, like boyfriends, friends, and how I spend my free time. I can choose my thoughts and what I focus on. I can choose the food I eat and how much I exercise and the kind of exercise I get. Some other areas require acceptance and adjustments on my part - like the two kids currently living under my roof. But I can set terms and boundaries for them. And I am. Electronics were confiscated this morning. They will be limited and used as rewards. I have my limits and I am going to set them. If counseling/therapy is necessary, we can all get it. Support groups are fine, too. Currently, I choose to stay with the job I have. So I need to work with that environment and make it as positive as possible. I can do that by changing me - my attitudes and behavior. The rest I will have to accept the way it is.

And speaking of support groups, there is a great one for me, as a person deeply impacted by other people's alcoholism, drug abuse, mental illness and abusive behavior. That group is Al-anon. I qualify because I have alcoholics in the family. I am going to go regularly and make use of what they have to offer. I also obtained the number for the church counselor for victims of abusive relationships. Left her a message. She is on vacation. I am getting the ball rolling for that.

As for food and exercise - I am back in the groove. I have my preparations, my good food. I have my gym bag. I am doing well in that respect. It makes me feel good, so that's what I am going to do. Eat right, eat light, and get plenty of exercise.

Lastly, the Weed. I was able to do a much better job of communicating to him about how I felt about our relationship this time around. But he is still a Weed and has been pulled. It was good to have my eyes wide open and see the pattern, and recognize the stuff that is not OK. It was nice to be able to communicate it in a respectful manner. None of it changed the Weed into a plant that I want in my garden. But it did change me. And that is what matters the most. So the Weed is pulled and hopefully I got the roots this time. If not I will keep on pulling or get a shovel and dig it up. It can grow somewhere else. I have the tools to deal with weeds and I am going to use them.

Yesterday for my last vacation day I did things around the house, ran errands and took care of things. I put up curtains in daughter's room and took down the blinds the dog chewed one day when he accidently closed himself in her room. I had been wanting to get to that for a long time now. It is finished. It feels good. I worked in the garden and enjoyed my patio. I shopped for things we needed and I cooked a nice meal. I love being at home. I got landlord to fix the leaking around the air conditioner hose that caused the carpet to be damp and icky when we returned. He will get the carpet cleaned, too. He is also re-hanging the guest bathroom door that came off it's hinges. I am fixing our environment to be even better. And we are going to enjoy it.

I am fixing my emotional environment as well. Taking care of my thoughts, feelings, and reducing my exposure to toxic people, places and things. I like that. I am taking out insurance against falling back into old patterns. The insurance is increased support through positive people, church, the support group, the counseling, and doing things with friends that are good for me. This leaves little time for weeds. No room in the garden.

I did not weigh this morning. I will do that tomorrow. I did notice that the fluctuation, the gain prior to vacation happened to begin when I started engaging in activity with the Weed again. Not sure what there is to that, but for now it is a correlation. I suspect there is a relationship. It is not black and white. But it is something to consider.

More will be revealed...

2008-08-11T06:27:00.000-05:00

I am down another two pounds today. Those pre-vacation munchies are gone. I feel normal. I even feel ok about the shorts picture, and the lost vacation photos. I had gained six pounds in two weeks before my trip. And the day I left another two showed up. It was weird but it is straightening out. I did not feel like I was eating nearly enough to gain that kind of weight. I did not let it bother me on my vacation at all. I enjoyed my trip and ate sensibly. I enjoyed some nice meals, including a french restaurant the night before we came back. I was happy to get home to my shorts. The weather here is mild. There was a big heat wave when we were gone but it is very nice now. Got to go and take daughter to first day of high school!!

Back from SF

2008-08-10T17:22:00.000-05:00

Vacations are awesome.

my current favorite

2008-08-10T17:19:00.000-05:00

I like this one. Me in the wind overlooking the Pacific ocean. Marin Headlands. It was near sunset as you can see the sun reflecting all over the water in the background.

Post vacation body in shorts

2008-08-10T16:28:00.001-05:00

Me in shorts today. I don't like it but it has to be better than fifty pounds ago. Camera adds ten pounds, right?? Scroll down for a post vacation blurt...

2008-08-10T14:28:00.000-05:00

I am back. I had a great vacation. Plenty of exercise climbing hills. Only one bad thing happened - I accidentally deleted every photo and video off my camera on the night before our last day of vacation.. Pretty catastrophic. My brother in law recovered some files but cannot open them except for a few. So we have a project on our hands. I will say no more. It is still a sore subject. Anyway we are not without photos. Daughter took quite a few on her camera and my brother in law took many. But I had become quite attached to mine. I think I lost a couple of my pre vacation gain. I think my eating habits were better while I was gone. I feel confident I can get down to my normal weight - the weight before that whatever it was gain. I did much climbing of big hills and dunes. I love that. We had a great vacation. Now it is time to get the kids ready for school, which starts tomorrow for daughter and then the following day for grandson. Getting ready to take daughter shopping. We did some shopping in SF but she still needs jeans. I am giving her money and letting her go with a friend. Thank goodness. I don't like the me pictures that we have so far. But if I get some better ones I will post one. Vacation was full of Non Scale Victories. Running around, climbing hills and keeping up with my sister who has always been in good shape. Also, she was quite impressed with my push ups. Did I tell you guys I can do push ups? I think I did. I accidentally found that out a while back when doing the plank. This is a long running paragraph of post vacation blurting. I had a great spa day, too. Time to go drop off daughter.

More will be revealed!!!!

Thanks to the Universe!!

2008-07-31T09:21:00.001-05:00

I had the perfect message from the Universe today:

You needn't worry. There is time. You have all the time in the world. You preceded time and you will exist beyond it. Age is irrelevant; more meaningless than a number. Forever, Cynthia, you have FOREVER. There is no dream you now have that you will not manifest. There is no challenge you now face that you will not crush and dispose of. There is no point in spending one more second of your awesome, amazing life, thinking anything to the contrary.
Olé, The Universe

This whole 50 thing. And the little weight gain and the tick tock of the clock running and the dwindling time to prepare for the trip. Yesterday I ate the birthday food with my co-workers. Today I "feel" skinnier. Too funny. I decided to put off weighing until tomorrow, though. I was getting way hung up on numbers.

I am taking a big step when I return from vacation. I am going to a support group for women recovering from abusive relationships. I am going to see a counselor. It is through my church. I encouraged a friend to do it because she suffering in a relationship and I see how she is getting help. I want help for me. I may not be in any obviously abusive relationship, but I am not healed or recovered from the ones in the past. And my behavior, with the whole dating the Weed and not wanting the Weed, breaking up with the Weed, taking the Weed back, not being able to resist the Weed, not liking what I am doing etc. still needs to be addressed. I want so much better for my life.

I had nightmares the past two nights but when I wake up I am SO relieved. I am grateful they are not real. I am not sure what is going on with me but I know I need to get a little extra help. I look forward to it. I have connected with a few women lately who all have issues with the past abuse and they are going to go to this group. I don't have to do it alone. When I think about getting the help, I cry and feel like I may not be able to stop so I know I have losses yet to grieve. It does not scare me, it encourages me to go to where I can find comfort and heal.

Anyway, I may not post prior to leaving and I may not get to post while away. I will be out experiencing family and life and trying to eat sanely. . .

Thanks everybody for being here for me these past couple of years. I could not have lost weight and gained the insight and strength I have today without you!!!

Checking In

2008-07-29T16:31:00.000-05:00

I was down a pound today. Last night I holed up in my room with cucumbers and celery and my salsa dip once I was finished with my downstairs activities and my dinner. I think I am improving a little each day. I had a good workout yesterday. Today we had an office lunch out at a nice restaurant. That meant I did not get to go to the gym on my lunch hour. I ordered conservatively, a salad with steamed veggies but with blackened chicken. Dressing on side. My goal was to enjoy the lunch but also be as prudent as possible. Drank several glasses of water. Appetizers were passed and I took a teeny bit but not much. I wanted to participate but not overindulge. I have been very full all afternoon and have not wanted to eat. I should be good until dinner which will be pretty light.

Still having that puffed up feeling but not letting it disturb me. I just keep practicing my better habits. I feel a little better today. It is amazing how I can judge my own weight before I even get on the scale now. I am in touch with what my body feels like. This feels more like bloat and water retention. I have discovered that there is a surprise food thing for me tomorrow in my department in anticipation of my birthday which occurs while I am on vacation. I am glad the cat got let out of the bag so I can be prepared. It is nice for them to do it. I can enjoy it without having to overeat. That's my goal. I trust myself so much more than I used to. It is nice. I forgive myself immediately for any boo boo's. And move on.

I'd like to get some exercise tonight but can't guarantee it will happen. I will be more focused on preparations for the trip. I really am excited about it. And happy we all get to go. I am stocked with celery and cucumbers for my evening munchies. Being prepared makes such a difference. I will just keep the water and raw veggies coming and hope for the best! And, appreciate the weight loss I have maintained. Focus on the positive. Negative thinking turns into a negative attitude, and that turns into self-defeating actions. At least that is my experience. Positive thinking, on the other hand, turns into a positive outlook which inspires positive actions. I'm going with that theory today.

More will be revealed...

Perspective and Salsa Dip

2008-07-27T14:50:00.000-05:00

I looked at my postings and my weight recordings a year ago. I was experiencing an appetite increase and was dancing around the scale like I am now, only twenty pounds heavier. That does put things in perspective. I am still feeling puffed up. I am still struggling with cravings, but less. I have discovered a nice little easy dip to make for veggies. I add light mayo to salsa and it gives it a creamier character. I just now thought about adding yogurt to it. That might be even better. I am munching cucumber dipped in my salsa dip right now.

The gain I experienced is not hopping right back down like my little gains in the past. So I am getting more drastic and using more tools by the day. I went to the gym yesterday. I have not been doing gym on the weekends. I did it to get away from watermelon. It worked. I cleaned in my room last night which made me feel good and kept me out of the kitchen. I am eating less but the scale is holding steady so I am hanging tight and being patient until it passes. I am not over analyzing or trying to find out what magical thing happened or needs to happen. It is probably a combination of many things. The answer is simple. Eat less. Drink more water and keep exercising.

I also need to avoid negative thinking. I find myself looking in the mirror and having distorted ideas about my body again. That must be a mental illness in and of itself. So I am avoiding the whole mirror thing as much as possible. My clothes fit fine. This is not a huge deal, but it is a moment of struggle and I am facing it with all the methods I have used these past couple of years.

My vacation is less than a week away. We leave Friday evening for the San Fransisco Bay area. On my 50th birthday I am going to a spa, courtesy of my sister. I will get an 80 minute full body deep tissue massage - never have I ever had one of those. I will get an hour long pedicure and also something called hydrotherapy. My sister will meet me for lunch and the pedicure. What a special birthday. I have never been to a spa. Ever. Such luxuries are not in my budget. The day after we arrive my oldest brother will come and stay overnight Saturday. We will celebrate my birthday with him early. How wonderful is that? I want to be noticeably skinnier and I am. I don't want to sabotage myself with nervous nibbling, and I won't.

A good thing about staying at my sister's is that they eat healthy. And the focus is not on food. It is easier to lose weight going there than to gain. I like that. We do things that involve walking and hiking. And the meals are healthy. There are things to be done in advance and my days are numbered to get them finished but I refuse to stress. Today I am going to pay bills, fill out the forms for the kids to start school, and drag out the luggage. One nice thing is we can start packing now because the clothes we will wear there are long pants, and warmer clothes, long sleeves, hoodies, etc. The temperatures are mild and sometimes chilly especially at the beach. So we are not wearing those clothes here in the Midwest swelter of July. We can pack them now and not miss them.

I have to admit I feel a little stressed thinking of what needs to be done. But I found someone to keep the dog who lives not too far so I don't have to drive 4 hours round trip to take him to my parents. I also asked neighbor man to water the flowers and he said he would do it in the morning when he does his own. Those were my two main worries besides getting to the airport and I have a friend who will do that, too.

I am going to make a list after I finish this blog. I have a half day off Thursday and all day Friday before we go to the airport at 3 p.m. That 's nice. But I have school things to do also, a parent meeting Thursday night and taking daughter to pick up her schedule on Thursday afternoon. It's exciting. I want to just be excited instead of stressed. We will have fun out there. It will be a nice time.

So off I go to make a to do list. Just finished my cucumbers and going to refill my water bottle.

Bloating and Swelling and Craving

2008-07-24T10:20:00.000-05:00

OK, I was a pound down today. Yesterday I resisted temptations of an office "food day" and was patient and prudent all day. Had a veggie/chicken stir fry dinner that I made myself so I knew what was in it. . Went out and about and then when I came home I just had to have salty buttery microwave popcorn. Sheesh. The good news is I had less than a bag, and in the old days I'd have more than a bag, sometimes three bags. So I gotta put this in perspective. Keep trudging, and doing the best I can. It will pass.

I did my gym workout yesterday, too. I took a walk this morning already, along the riverfront, before work. It was very nice. The weather is cooler right now. I will do my gym routine on my lunch hour and I came prepared with my healthy food supply. I am drinking my water and waiting for it all to pass. And it will pass. I will make it pass. If it won't go on it's own. I'll expel it like demon.

Saw MF and that girl last night and then had a nightmare about him. Interesting dream, though. In one part I was cleaning icky, decomposed yard waste from his yard and putting it into a dumpster. I rolled it away to dispose of it and he wanted it back. Hmmmm, what does that tell you?

I don't run into them much and I know how to avoid them. But I was invited to a thing for a friend of mine and wanted to at least make an appearance. Which I did, dressed in the most attractive attire I could find in the true spirit of an ex-girlfriend. I stayed just long enough for birthday wishes and took off. Maybe I used a little salt and fat to sooth the hidden emotions that were dredged up by the encounter. The nightmare took care of the rest.

Anyway, more will be revealed.

Bloating and Swelling

2008-07-23T14:32:00.000-05:00

That's the name of the game this week. Irritating but I am not defeated. It does not seem like I have eaten myself into this. But I have not been pristine in my food, either. So I am getting drastic today and hoping for the best. I have to pay attention to the input. I also have something hormonal going on and that always lops pounds on. I still believe I am allergic to my own hormones.

Anyway, I have been wearing my cute Summer dresses in spite of my feeling of largeness. It will pass. The Weed really likes my little summer dresses. I like them too, but this week I feel big. I am going to ignore it. The scale is conspiring against me, too, but I am going to persevere. I know how to do this. Watch the salt, the sugar (cut it out entirely) the portions, the highly processed stuff. Eat less, feel better. I have been doing my gym routine. Muscle weighs more than fat, right? But I want both. More muscle and less weight.

I am happy today with what I have, but just a bit concerned if not significantly scared by the sudden increase. I know, though, if I keep track of what I eat, and I am eating rightly, it will work itself out. It will pass. So I won't allow myself to go into negative thinking that leads to binging, and poor choices.

More will be revealed...standing firm in my resolve.

Family Time

2008-07-19T21:31:00.000-05:00

I was so excited about going to my Mom and Dad's house last night to spend the night and to spend today with them. We drove down in the evening. It is about two hours away, or a bit longer. The moon rose while we were driving and it was a beautiful orange color. It was a real treat to see it out in the night sky in the country. We watched the last part of Gone With the Wind after arriving because that is Dad's current fixation. I love the movie and enjoyed watching it with him. We watched the beginning and rest of it today. The kids stayed up most of the night so they slept in. Mom, Dad and I went out for coffee and breakfast this morning. It was wonderful, quality time. It was Mom's birthday. I bought a small luscious cake and we had watermelon and cake for the treat. We ordered out for sandwiches later and I had a veggie wrap. I also bought goat's milk yogurt at a farmer's market. I had some tonight with berries and bran for my evening snack.

I am so happy with the trip. It is a real treasure to have time with my folks. They are sweet, wonderful people. We had our ups and downs over the years but have found peace in our relationships. Dad's Alzheimer's resolved some issues between him and Mom, and, in fact, he fell back in love with her during the early stages. It is sweet to see how she dotes over him and how he lets her. How affectionate they are to each other now.

Anyway, I am home now. I was excited about visiting and excited about coming home. I find lately that I am in a very happy phase. So I am soaking it up. Enjoying it. This morning I wore my pink Capri's that I bought months ago and never got around to wearing. I like them now. I was on the fence about them before. I don't wear light fabric much but they seemed perfect for a July outing. They fit well and I got over the wearing light fabric hang up. I don't know what that is but I am full of those little issues. I tackle them a little at a time. And I don't worry too much about them. They will resolve or dissolve.

My little spice finch died. It made me sad. I buried him under my rose bush. I feel pretty tired. I am going to bed early tonight and looking forward to church tomorrow. I did really good with my eating at Mom's. It is a big trigger for me. I want to nibble constantly and they always have cookies. I had a little here and there but I drank plenty of water and I am satisfied with my food for the day.

I am grateful today to have spent quality time with my family.

Eyes Wide Open

2008-07-17T11:07:00.000-05:00

I keep my eyes wide open all the time. That's a line from Walk the Line by Johnny Cash. I love that song but I sing it in a spiritual sense. It's a love song but for me it has another meaning. About a different kind of love and devotion. To God, basically, to faith. I keep watch over my heart and I keep my eyes wide open nowadays because I desire to live my life in a new and different manner. With more discipline. Eyes open about how I take care of myself, what I eat, how I behave. Eyes open in my relationships, especially with the men. I watch out now and take care because it matters to me. I love it. I'm walking the line with food and with my behavior these days, in a good way, because it makes me happy.

Anyway, I was a pound down this morning. My deflation is in progress. I was careful, but not perfect yesterday and I got results. Lots of water. Did not make the gym but did a dog walk in the evening. I did not eat as much in the evening. I did have some noodles but I made that a part of my dinner, and stopped. Had a bowl of high fiber cereal at a bedtime. Maybe too big of a portion but I stopped. The stopping part is important. I can eat something, but then I need to stop and not keep going.

Yesterday was a better day. Today is an even better day already. I did some exercising before going to work. I did the gym on my lunch hour.

Also - last night I went to the good will store (2nd hand store) and bought 2 jumpers and 4 summer dresses for $4.50 each. And as a bonus one of the jumpers ended up having a dollar in the pocket. The dresses are all perfect for summer. Above the knee and light fabric. Good for church, work, and anything I want to do with them. It was great. That's all I wanted to complete my Summer wardrobe. I am wearing one today and it feels great! It blows my mind completely that they are size 6, 8 and medium. The medium is a little big. I don't get it. I still feel bigger than that. I can't recall wearing these sizes in my adult life with the exception of a size 8 skirt when I weighed about 15 pounds less than I do now. These must be made bigger, that's all I can say or my weight distributes itself differently today. Anyway it was a nice feeling.

gotta run. just wanted to check in and report!!

Drasticize

2008-07-16T09:32:00.000-05:00

Time to drasticize. I have been nibbling indiscriminately and of course gained a few pounds. Nothing serious but I am at my limit of fluctuation. I nibbled things I normally stay away from like marshmallows, brownies, chips, crackers and so on. Plus I had evening/night eating issues. But I know what to do.. cut out the sugar, and junk, make a plan and have the good stuff on hand. When I walk in the door and immediately start cooking dinner, the urge to nibble sets in, so I can keep nibble foods on hand like celery and other raw veggies.

I never stray too far anymore, but I know when I am straying. I have been working out regularly and not obsessing over weight/food. I just got a little lax in my food. So easy to do and I wish I could get away with it... But the scale and that bloated feeling remind me - they get my attention - and keep me grounded in reality. Reality is that if I continue to eat that way, I will creep on and on up the scale. Plus, I won't have that clean, fit and peaceful feeling that I have come to enjoy so much. I will have that bloated, out of control feeling.

So it's a drastic day, a clean day, whatever I want to call it. I have a plan and supplies. I am keeping track. I'll have gym on my lunch hour as usual. Evening is my challenging point so I will be looking for ways to avoid the nibbling syndrome.

Thanks everyone for your comments on my photo. I wanted to post better photos but never got to it so I took a quickie in spite of the peacock hair. I want to post a shorts photo and perhaps a couple of others. It is good to see the changes, and to get feedback.

I also found some interesting old "before" photos on an old hard drive. It is amazing to see them. I don't think I realized what was going on with me at that point with food and my weight. I stayed in denial much of the time which is probably a good thing, after all. I had a lot of victories and good times during those years. My career progressed very well, I had a wonderful and very close relationship with my daughter - her childhood was very enjoyable for both of us. We took vacations and mini-holidays on weekends. Those were good years. I dated during those years off and on as well. So it's not like I look back at the years of my obesity as bad or sad or horrible. There were many, many accomplishments and joys. But there was a constant struggle going on within myself - with food, and other things. There was a lot of untreated depression and repressed anger. I am glad that I have begun to address those issues and make significant progress.

Anyway, more will be revealed. I am still going with the flow. But the food flow needs to slow down a bit!!

Quickie before and after

2008-07-13T22:07:00.000-05:00

OK, I had daughter take a few quick pictures. I only used one. Did not like any of them. My hair is a mess. After looking at them I want to lose more weight..but looking at before and after it does show I have come a long way. Just ignore the hair, I've been cleaning and doing laundry all day!!

Happy Friday!!!

2008-07-11T09:58:00.000-05:00

Today's note from the Universe (thanks to Helen for hooking me up with the Universe):

Cynthia, has it occurred to you that you could ask for more?
Not just more than what you now have, but more than you're now asking for?
This is why I'm HOT - The Universe

I love it. My spiritual and self-help readings all agree that we receive as much as we are willing to receive. Like this - the ocean is full of so much water. If I take a small cup to it, I will get a cup of the water. If I take a big fat container, I will get that much. How big is my container? Today it is wide open. This doesn't necessarily mean material stuff for me. It means peace of mind, harmonious relationships, a positive attitude, the ability to find beauty in the darkest places, joy, and all the same for my loved ones. Basically it means Happiness in whatever form it comes. But material stuff is ok, too.

I love it, the Universe is HOT. I am still going with the flow. Calm in my nest, sitting on my eggs while the wind blows the tree around a little.

The kids were so cute the other night. Daughter had a couple of friends to spend the night. Grandson apparently was invited to participate in their water balloon fight at 4 a.m. and then video games. I came downstairs, hearing noise in the kitchen, and Daughter was cooking at the stove. She was calling out to her friend about how she wanted her noodles. These are those noodles with the packet of poison that you put on for flavor. Daughter said to me that she fixes them with just a "sprinkle" of the flavor and some butter. She said "I make them your way, mom, see you are saving the world from sodium" or something like that. It was cute, she looked so grown up cooking at the stove for her pals, and saving them from sodium overdose. I did not mind being awakened by the sound of giggling and water splattering on the patio, either. I was happy they were having a good time doing silly kid stuff at home. And that Grandson was included in the festivities..

I took another Monday off so I can get some stuff done and enjoy my weekend. I am liking this.

Hope all is well and everyone has a big container out to receive all their blessings!

The Difference

2008-07-08T13:53:00.000-05:00

Over my four day weekend I noticed differences - non-scale victories and other positive changes. Here are a few:

On the fourth of July my plans changed abruptly when my Grandson decided to stay at his Mom's for barbecue. I was happy that he wanted to have a family day with them, but a split second of panic hit when I realized that I was alone and planless. I immediately remembered that I had friends attending a fair in a nearby town. They said live music. I called and met them. The difference - in the past I may have stayed in panic mode, stayed home alone, and felt sorry for myself, and abandoned and other weirdness. But I shifted gears and adapted - and had an absolute blast. This leads into an NSV -

It was sunny and fairly hot on the 4th so I wore shorts, and a top that just had straps, no sleeves, beyond sleeveless, a form fitting thing (wish I knew the words for clothing..) I would only have worn under stuff before. But it was summer and I dressed for summer and felt fabulous. I went to the stage and heard two really good bands. I'd never heard of them but apparently they are known. It was free. I was with couples but did not feel bad about being single - I felt free. I could hang at the stage and slip in and out of the crowd. I took pictures. I left when I felt like it. It was awesome.

On Sunday I decided to try another Bible class, it said it was in the green room. I thought it meant the room was green. Someone led me there because I could not find it - it was the green room that the worship team, choir and musicians use (silly me..green room) and I had Bible class with them. I really liked it and I was invited to join choir. No one has heard me sing - hee hee but they told me just to come. I like hanging with musicians and feel comfortable in that element. They made me feel welcome and wanted so I am coming back and probably will show up for choir tomorrow. The difference - I tried something new and have more courage. I felt comfortable.

Also later on Sunday I ran into a few people I had not seen in a year. They noticed and commented on my weight loss. NSV.

Grandson's birthday plans were fuzzy as to who he was bringing to theme park. He thought one kid was going but this kid always cancels so I figured he was not a sure thing. Instead of being frustrated or negative like I have been in the past, I told him to call a couple others and we'd see what happened. We'd go together and have a blast if no kids could come. Grandson had been gone for two weeks and I had left it to him to contact kids and decide what he wanted to do on his b-day. Big difference, me not trying to control it and bugging him so I could make sure he had a good time.. So, Sunday evening we found a kid who could come so I picked him up, baked a cake, sang happy birthday at midnight and went to theme park at noon on Monday after everyone woke up. The difference, I let everyone sleep in, I let things unfold, I did not stress on the how's and what's of things. It all worked. I ate very little cake and it did not turn into a sugar fest like last year.

At theme park I camped out on a lounge chair at the water park. I sun bathed in a two-piece. Big NSV. I am not saying I looked fabulous or anything, but I was comfortable with my body enough to lay in the sun (with a good sun block) in a two piece swimsuit. It felt awesome. I relaxed the whole day. Shopped a little in the shops, and did basically nothing. It felt fantastic and luxurious. I talked to strangers. I enjoyed the atmosphere. I let the kids do what they wanted and was in control of nothing. It was great. I bought a couple of swimsuit covers and two halter tops to wear over my swimsuit top. NSV NSV NSV. And going with the flow.

Going with the flow has been my theme for the weekend. Loose plans that I am willing to change at a moment's notice. Appreciation for what is.

I am very far from where I used to be. In a good way. Food was not the focus of any of my holiday. I ate, enjoyed what I ate, but did not focus much on it. In fact, my body, thin or fat was not the focus. I appreciated being able to wear summer things with ease and without being so self conscious but I was more into what I was doing and not so much what I was wearing or eating or not eating. I appreciate that I am what I am, right where I am supposed to be at the moment.

This feels really exquisite just to recognize that this is taking place. I am fitting into my own life.

A Thursday that's a Friday!!!

2008-07-03T08:46:00.000-05:00

What could be better than that?? And I took Monday off so I have four days!!! It's Grandson's B-day on Monday so I took off to do whatever he feels like doing. He is at his Mom's and will come home tomorrow. We may go to the theme park for the later part of the day since they have fireworks. But I am just taking things loosely, seeing how we feel and what the weather does. I live in the land of sagging clouds and swelling rivers....

So, about shorts. I tried to go for longer ones, but the ones that show more thigh actually looked better. I reason that this is because my thighs are biggest at the top, and the long ones show that bigness but don't show the smaller parts of my thighs. I tried on every kind of shorts and found that hitting mid-thigh worked best but it did give me that naked feeling. My daughter says that my shorts are "long" but to me they are short. I need to do pictures to demonstrate. Maybe with four days off I can get to it.

Last night the Weed brought steaks over and cooked me dinner. He bought all the food, and prepared all the food, set the table, and so forth. We ate, hung out in the kitchen for just a little bit, and then he left to go visit his son. I love anything that is cooked for me by someone else. It was nice and nice that he left shortly thereafter. I don't eat steak much, and did not eat a huge portion. But it was very tasty. I also had baked potato and cauliflower with cheese sauce, a somewhat small portion of that, mixed it with my baked potato and threw in jalapeno peppers. After he left I had the urge to eat more food. I had sent all the leftovers home with him. The only thing sweet in the house was graham crackers... I did more eating but not too bad and then went to bed.

The "more" feeling still kicks in sometimes. Especially after a really enjoyable meal. The mystery of "more" may never fully be solved. It happens for a variety of reasons I am sure. When I have a "more" day or evening, I try and balance things out by following up with a "less" day. I am shooting for balance here.. and the ability to eat without guilt. Emotional stability. And any other kind of stability I can accomplish. I finished When Food is Love. It was a very good book for me. I probably read it at just the right point in my life, at a time when I can use the information constructively.

I did my performance review for this fiscal year yesterday at work. I found that overall this was a good year for me as far as I am concerned. I gave myself a good rating and focused on the positives. We already had a meeting in March about negatives so I did not even touch on that. I tend to take one negative and let it color my view of everything. I refuse to do that now. There is too much positive to look at. And I do believe that what we think upon grows!! So I am growing great thoughts today!

Happy Holidays!!

Month End Review

2008-06-30T12:34:00.000-05:00

I looked at my first June post and it was about major depression. It was the meltdown weekend. I am happy to say that June has been a month of healing and stability. I have taken back my sanity, my home and my life. My weight has been stable. I have maintained my loss. I exercised regularly, took care of myself and my home. What a great month. I also enjoyed myself.

This weekend I spent time with people, women friends, men friends, and so on. I even tried the singles Bible Study. Found myself pondering the muscular tattooed man (that's another story, for the book about food and men). I took care of some to do list tasks this weekend, too. What a great weekend overall. I grilled on the patio yesterday. I had meats that I had purchased but not gotten the chance to cook so everything got grilled. I love barbecue. Especially on my pretty patio.

I wore shorts in public some of the weekend. It is still kind of a thing for me but I am getting far more comfortable. I bring pants to change into in case I panic. It is silly but it is me getting used to my body. And accepting myself the way I am today.

So June was a great month for healing and stabilizing. For getting more comfortable in my own skin. I feel I have come a long way in 30 days..

Potato Chip Experiement

2008-06-27T09:04:00.000-05:00

Tuesday people kept commenting on my weight loss and using the word "skinny"...and when I looked in the mirror I had that lack of figure feeling again. When I was home in the evening I had a salt craving. I reached for a bag of very cheap and sleazy potato chips, the kind no one should have, even people who can normally enjoy a chip or two. I ate as many as I wanted. I was not worried about weight gain, but felt they were probably not a good idea. They were good in a gross sort of way but they made my tummy feel a little icky. I went to bed shortly after, I think they acted as a mild sedative.

In the morning I was four pounds heavier on the scale. Hee hee. No more "too skinny" worries that day. I attributed it to the salt and icky of the chips and was not too freaked out. I just noted the impact of the episode. I had more that night but my brief and sleazy affair had lost it's charm. I threw the remainder away the next day when I got home from work. I decided not to have that sort of item in the house. Not so much because I might eat it, but because if it is that gross for me to eat, let's not give it to the kids or their friends, either. In fact, my daughter was raving about the yellow organic carrots that I brought home last night. I need to remember that this is a child who fussed for celery in the grocery cart when she was two instead of Halloween candy. Raw veggies on hand, and fruit for all, instead of chips.

My weight is easing back down to normal. I have been drinking water and watching the sodium content of my food. I could have done without the whole chip affair. But it was eye-opening and interesting in a few different ways. There are correlations between the chip affair and the men I have chosen in life, but I won't go there right now. An entire book could be written on that one. Also I had a brief thought of sabotage, was I sabotaging myself with chips, reacting to the fear of the loss of figure?? Maybe a tad bit, but I stopped and decided to go along my merry way, healing and living. I kept my awareness the entire time and did not "check out" like I used to, giving up temporarily and hiding out. Hopefully this makes sense.

When I eat with full awareness of what I am doing, taking responsibility for my choices, I see things in a new light. I did not hate myself for eating the chips, I merely decided that they were not worth the bloating and recovery time. If I want a high sodium/grease episode, I will go out for Mexican or Chinese food with a friends and family.

I kept both physical therapy appointments this week and did my gym routine twice for my legs. I have been doing my floor exercises at home. I have been getting good sleep this week. Several nights in a row I had at least eight hours and one night ten (could have been the chip night). Getting a good night's rest appears to minimize my back pain. Perhaps that has to do with relaxing the muscles.

Anyway, it's Friday and I am happy. Almost finished with the book When Food Is Love. Thanks so much to Lynn for the recommendation!

More will be revealed.

Tuesday's Thoughts

2008-06-24T10:28:00.000-05:00

I stopped trying to lose more weight and accidentally lost an additional pound. I have been busy and my appetite has not been very big. I think it is funny. I may register a loss for June after all. I have been feeling pretty good in my own skin. And speaking of skin, I bought some special lotion yesterday for skin firming and stuff. Going to see if I can tell a difference. Still hoping to get to picture taking. It will be good for me. A celebration and a realization/confirmation. I had some photo's tranferred from an old computer to an external drive and can now access more of my "before" pictures for uploading.

I took yesterday off to get some things taken care of so I have been taking care of errands and tasks that have piled up over time. It feels good. I feel competent. I have also been going through my closet, a little at a time, when I can fit it in. Usually early morning on Sunday or Saturday if I am not traveling. It has been fun. Sorting - and seeing my clothes from last year - the tops I still can wear but the bottoms had to go. I still have this special feeling of kinship with the last Summer wardrobe. I remember how good I felt in those clothes. The excitement I felt at being able to wear them.

So I am sorting what is going away and organizing what will stay. I enjoy it. I appreciate what I have. I believe I have a pretty nice wardrobe put togethe now. Mostly eights and sixes with one left over ten for skirts and pants. My tops range from 8 to 12, medium to large. One area that lacks is dressy stuff. I'd like a dress or two for church/dressy. I don't care for what I have seen on the racks this summer so I may go resale or somewhere for the more classic styles. Resale sounds good to me since my clothing budget is pretty much over for now. I want a pair of black shorts. And a dress or two. I am also wearing shoes I did not wear for a long time, the higher heals. It was too much stress on the heal, my feet, etc. in the past. Now that I am lighter it feels that I can tolerate them.

I saw a friend Friday night who said that the size I am right now looks like just the right size for me. I agree. It feels right. So I think I'll keep it. It's not the clothing size, those numbers range, depending on the maker, and so on. Or even the number on the scale. Those are nice measuring tools for seeing how far I have come. And I am happy with them. But, it's the me size, the how I feel when I move around, sit, etc., and my body porportions that I am feeling comfortable with today. It just feels better and better.

Physical therapy was very nice yesterday. It was my second time. I am making it a priority now to go two times a week. I am sore but it was a really good session. I like my therapist. It is so awesome to get a massage, too. I also got a massage from the Weed Sunday night after returning from my trip. The Weed's roommate's girlfriend is a friend of mine - she is a fun, young woman, and currently pregnant. I stopped off to see her and visit a bit with them all. The Weed knows (and so do I) there is no romance between me and him. Just friends. I had driven six hours that day and my back was a mess. It was nice to get a massage and have it be just that. He may want more but he is obviously content to stick within the confines of my boundaries which are apparently and miraculously defined at the present moment. Interesting concept. And nice.

My car is getting it's bumper painted today. I am driving a rental - it's cute, a PT cruiser. I'd never buy one but it is fun to drive for a day or two. I have decided to make it a point to enjoy things any way I can. I enjoy driving rental cars. I enjoyed reading in the long line getting my plates transferred for the new car. I look forward to physical therapy because I enjoy it. I enjoyed driving a carload of teens to the theme park yesterday, and picking them up later - being with the teens was fun - the driving part is still stressful for me but I am working on that. When driving I try to just stay in the present moment and pay attention to what is around me. Improving concentration. I also have tapes from a church I used to attend that I listen to on my long trips.

Maybe I can accidentally lose another pound and then I will be down a total of 60 pounds from 2005. But I am not trying. I have already exceeded my expectations for weight loss. I just eat sane foods when I feel like eating. And make sure I don't go too long with an empty stomach. The idea of me forgetting to eat still amuses me. I have treats here and there, and do not feel deprived ever. I just realized that. At some point, somewhere in time, I stopped feeling deprived in connection with eating less, and eating different foods. I feel I am living/eating by choice. And I love my choices.

I also love Summer again. I started loving more last year.

More will be revealed....

Staying the Same

2008-06-20T10:55:00.000-05:00

I decided I don't want to lose any more weight for a while. For one, I can't afford any new clothes and I have my summer wardrobe already purchased! For another, I like the size I am, and maintaining this weight is realistic for me. I don't feel like pushing lower right now. I want to tone up at the size where I am. I also want to get used to just being and not being on the way. I want accept and enjoy being where I am.

I believe that I can eat the way I have been eating and maintain this size. Since I now have a new fear (I must just have a thing for fear) of not having a figure, or being too skinny (I still find this one amusing) I am staying put. No more goal stretching and moving the mark.

I wrote about maintaining the other day. I want to maintain some other things, too. Peace of mind, stability, in my home life, family life, personal life. I want to maintain balance all around.
And enjoy life. I am leaning toward looking at my career and seeing what my next adventure is in that area of my life. Personal enrichment.

When I finish When Food is Love, I think I will take break from self help books. Read some gardening books. Read my Bird by Bird book about writing, and go ahead with my writing and taking pictures experience that I have neglected.

I have a clear understanding of how to eat healthy and appropriately to maintain my weight. I also have a good grasp of how much working out I can do and what is comfortable for me. No obsessing and complusing, just living my new way of living that supports the normal body mass.
I keep track of my meals but it is second nature to me. I know what meals have what amount of calories, and fiber so I mix and match them up. I also weigh everyday, give or take a day or two, to keep in reality and to stay accountable.

I want to have healthy practices to take care of myself to avoid going back to old ways that fostered emotional eating and binging. I know what those are. I do them already.

So right now I am there and I am going to enjoy and stay there a while. At the goal weight.

Does this make sense?? I think I should post photos so you guys can comment. I still don't have a grasp on what I really look like, but I am much more comfortable with it. I wear my shorts and tanks and just let it be.

Maintaining

2008-06-18T09:45:00.000-05:00

I was thinking this morning that perhaps June can be Maintenance Month. I lost in both April and May, and made goal, so maintaining is a good thing. Also, I feel I am still adjusting to that ten pound loss. My workouts are getting regular again. I am targeting a couple of key areas. My food is fairly stable. What I really want is to tone and get used to my smaller body. Let it adjust, as well. I am hovering around the same weight, within two pounds, and that is fine. I have an injury to recover from, so taking extra good care of myself is at the top of my priorities. June is a month to heal and stabilize. If I lose and additional pound or two, fine. But I am not pushing myself right now.

Last night I stopped off to socialize a little. Saw some people who have not seen me since the breakup with MF. I was dressed nicely from work, and I received many compliments, especially from the women. A few asked how I was doing, and felt that they were, without saying it, referring to the breakup. I was happy to say I was doing great, because I am. I had vanished from that group that he circulates in for the most part, and many have not seen me since the night I confronted him when he was with the other women. Some of them had seen him with her and wondered, without saying anything, what he was up to. The women knew me and liked me. So it was nice to see them and let them know that there is definitely life, abundant life, after a breakup with Mr. Big. I have lost ten pounds since the breakup and it shows up more on my body. I have improved myself since then, having gone through some stuff, and prevailed. I want to be an example to those younger women, that a relationship, even if it's with Mr. Big, is not the be all, end all to life. We can move on, and grow even better. They seemed to think he was some sort of celebrity or something.

Enough of that. Exercise is going pretty good. I am in physical therapy now. I hope it helps. Been there once, will go again tomorrow. I forgot to ask him if there is anything I should not be doing at the gym. I went to the gym on lunch hour yesterday and I went early this morning for cardio only. I am happy with my current exercise regimen. I am doing some weight resistance of opposing muscle groups for my legs to tone them up. I do this at the gym with the equipment. I want to keep up with it at least doing it a couple to three times per week. I do my ab work at home and I use hand weights for my arms. I need to talk to the therapist about upper body/back/abs at the gym, using equipment.

Relaxation is on the priority list, too. I also make it a point to lay in my lounge chair on the patio each night and relax. It feels really good. I watched the moon rise Monday night. There was a point at which it was exactly between the tops of two trees, and perfectly lined up with where I was sitting. It was one of those cosmic kind of moments, where I felt in perfect alignment with everything.

I am still reading that awesome book When Food Is Love. It continues to confirm things, and open my eyes even more - explaining feelings and behaviors. It is also a good read, she is even funny in some parts.

I just found out my living room floor is going to be jack hammered tomorrow. I have had drain overflows twice in the past week....so be it. I am not letting anything get to me.

Another Wonderful Weekend

2008-06-15T21:12:00.000-05:00

This weekend was great. Yesterday I spent the entire afternoon gardening. My idea of heaven - and in the evening I rested on the patio amongst the beauty of it. I put in flowers of all colors, yellow dwarf sunflowers, purple Phlox, tall blue things I don't recall the name of, pink and white inpatients, pink petunia, and others. I moved things, I trimmed things, I dug and cleared and got muddy and sweaty. It was awesome. When I made my second trip for more stuff, I just hosed my legs and arms off and went in my short black swim trunks and my favorite men's tank undershirt over my swimsuit top. I still had a little mud here and there but I felt so comfortable in my own skin, fear being in public in shorts was all gone. I felt like a Gardner, because I am one.

Last night both kids stayed home. I reclined on the patio and they did their own things. But it was nice that we were all home. I went to bed fairly early so I could be rested for the trip to see my father today. That went nicely, too. The kids got up, but slept some of the way. I set my cruise control on 55 and went at my own pace while cars and trucks whizzed past. It felt nice. Going at my own pace and not worrying about whether it was fast enough for anyone else. They can pass me. I like where I am. I am talking about my life now. I am going at my own pace. And not worrying about if it is fast enough or good enough for anyone else. I am liking it very much. In fact, I am loving it. Peaceful time sitting on my patio in the morning and evening is so wonderful I do not have a word for it yet. Contentment, perhaps. Delicious contentment.

I have had moments of thinking I have no figure now, like I lost too much weight, which is clearly not the case. Now this is funny to me most of the time but it is also an example of the body obsession. The distorted thinking. The compulsion. It is as if it cannot just be OK. But it is really OK. I just have distorted and weird thoughts. I want to get used to the way I am. No more sizes. Stay where I am for a while. Adjust. Eat how I have been eating and exercise and just be. Live my life. Focus more on other things, while also making my healthy eating and exercise a normal part of my life. Like Helen says, the drastic is the normal.

The time I spent with the Weed helped me see how much I have changed. In a good way. The Weed is not at all interesting, or desirable to me. Or threatening. Another moment of clarity hit me when I went to see my father. He had his beard trimmed -the same kind of beard as my X not the Weed but the most recent X. He looked like my X in the face. It was striking. It put that X into perspective as well. These are people from my past. They are not my present. I still think of them, run into them, and may have a word with them at times, but they are the past. MF always reminded me of my father. Never in looks though. It was the oddest thing today. I never thought any of my boyfriends were like my Dad, but the shrinks always talked about that sort of thing. MF was very, very much like my father. I liked that at first, there was a comfort in it. I am losing my father to the disease of Alzheimer's. But the reality of my father as a partner is that my father was emotionally unavailable, controlling and unfaithful to my mother. He was a misogynist. I had to read a book when I was in therapy about that kind of man. It was not pleasant. I love my father. I always have but he is easier to love now that he has Alzheimer's. He has forgotten how to be a misogynist.

Sometimes I just want to take a break from all this effort to heal and grow and change and get better. I just want to be for while. Rest. I know one thing. This book, When Food is Love is helping me see myself, and understand my behavior and feelings in my past relationships. It also explains, as Lynn promised, why I picked and went back to unsatisfying relationships over and over in the past. It is a huge chunk of reality to swallow all at once. So I am going to let it digest. And go at my own pace. And let people pass me if I am going too slow for them. I may even stand still for a while.

TGIF

2008-06-13T08:35:00.000-05:00

Soooooooooooo glad it's Friday. Yesterday on the highway, on the bridge, a lady hit the back of my car...geez, right? The truck in front of me had locked up his brakes and screeched to a halt so bad there was smoke all over from the burning rubber. I stopped in plenty of time because I drive slower than ever now and keep a distance between me and everyone else. But the lady behind me, screeched loudly, but did not quite make it. It was barely a nudge but it put these imprints of her license plate screws into my lovely painted to match bumper. Also, it pushed the bumper so that there is a barely noticible difference in the way the bumper fits the car. I'm not a body shop person so I don't know what the deal really is but I do know that its a new car, with a new loan and I should protect it's value. She followed me off the bridge and pulled over. I looked and barely saw a scratch, I told her to go on but she insisted on at least giving me her number. She was very nice. I really did not want to mess with any of it. I was a tad freaked out and just wanted to go home and forget it happened.

I thought it over at home and realized that I should indeed mess with it because I borrowed a chunk of money to drive that nice car and now it is damaged, although small, and should be fixed. So I called her and she very nicely said she'd turn it in on her insurance and she gave me all their info.

Poop is all I can say. I hate driving. I don't want to be on the road with all the people who seem to get up on my bumper cuz I am driving the speed limit or five miles under to be safe and to SAVE ON GAS. I read up on some trend called hypermiling, which is driving in such a way to save on the gas your car uses. I don't put it in neutral and coast to stops because that's not really safe, but I am using other techniques. You can Google the term and find out about it. I'm desperate to save money. But people like to go fast, ten miles over the speed limit and such so its an adjustment to have them all close behind me or passing me and scowling, etc...can't they see that I am saving them money too, and what about the scenery, can't we all just take it easy??

I did feel better after making the decision to call her and have her turn it in, but I tell you what, the incident freaked me out. The screeching of tires and bracing myself to be hit...it stressed me. My back hurt even worse, and I just felt that trauma thing all over again...It took a while to unwind. And once I finally did, I nibbled. Darn it. But not too horribly. Yesterday I did well all day. So perhaps the nibbles were not that bad. I took a long, long, dog walk to make myself feel better so all in all I think I had a good day. I slept very well. I have been taking an anti anxiety in the evening (wonder if it makes me nibble??) and I notice it helps me sleep better.

So, I'm all prepared today, and hoping to avoid the nibbles or at least pick up some salsa and raw veggies to nibble if it strikes me tonight. I think I will go out tonight and hang with some pals for a while or browse the mall, bookstore, etc..maybe a movie. Or stay home and garden till dark and then another lovely walk. I am going to insist on enjoying myself, whatever it is..and RELAXING.

More will be revealed....

Thursday is almost Friday

2008-06-12T09:30:00.000-05:00

Found myself nibbling while on the phone last night. I got home late. Yesterday I had too many carbs in my diet. That usually results in more eating. But I don't think it was particularly damaging. I just wanted to keep going down, and not fluctuate up. So this morning I exercised and skipped the weigh in. I am doing a basic drastic today. Have a plan. Yesterday I went to the gym. Tuesday I took a long walk on my lunch hour. Monday I went to the gym. So I am on a good roll with exercise.

Balance is what I want the most. A good balance of eating and exercise. Nothing that feels high pressure, but something that makes me feel like I am taking care of myself. And making progress. This week I have been doing that. I would like to take the food intake down a notch, though. At least I nibbled healthy. The only high calorie nibble was frosted mini wheats which have fiber. But they are an old binge food of mine. I usually measure out a cup and that has to be all, but I did not measure, I just ate.

I am glad the week is almost up. I won't be going to the prisons this weekend. I will be going to see my father on Sunday. I can't travel both days, in fact I don't feel like traveling at all. I want to relax. I will try and make the travel relaxing. I am looking forward to just gardening and painting my toenails, frankly. I reclined on the patio again last night and it was awesome with a breezy wind blowing. I feel so deliciously relaxed when I do that.

So today's goal is to only eat what is on the plan. There were snares yesterday, some kind of bon bon things and these mini cup cakes. I would take a bite and throw the rest away, but the bites add up. I want to have a no bite day. Snares if any will have to be passed up all together. I have a goal and I am focused.

More will be revealed.

May results

2008-06-11T09:11:00.000-05:00

I was so busy in my crisis junk that I forgot to record that I lost five pounds in may. I started at 153 and ended at 148. Today I was back at 149 when I got on the scale so I am almost back to the low weight. Need to watch the sodium and drink plenty of water. I think I may post my daily weigh in like Laura does, it keeps me accountable. I barely ate after getting home last night, there was no time. Maybe that's the key, be so busy there is no time to eat!!! I like that.

Last night daughter and I had a shopping trip (for her) planned. Before we even made it to the store my grandson called. Water and icky was all over the downstairs guest bathroom. The drain was backing up again. I came home, it had stopped coming out of the drain thankfully but there was still cleanup to do. I called landlord (the joy of renting) and he came. The carpet is pulled up again, etc. But after meeting with him for a bit, I decided to go on and take my daughter shopping. There was nothing for me to do there. The trip was a bit rushed but we also ended up picking up two of her friends and then I dropped them all off to spend the night at another friend's house. Then, I had to go take grandson to his friend in another direction. These kids need to make friends in OUR neighborhood. With gas prices, it would save a bunch of money. Not sure how to do that, but I am going to work on it. Maybe with high school.

I am leaving the house in the hands of landlord. I came to work. He can do the cleaning. Nice that daughter had cleaned the living room so I was not horrified at the thought of him showing up. I just hope he does not go in my room. It is a disaster. The rest of the house is OK. And when I say disaster, I am not exaggerating.

I exercised this morning, abs and arms. Was late for work so not sure if I can squeeze in the gym but I am going to try. Want to get the last few pounds off but frankly if I can maintain where I am and firm things up I will be thrilled. I want to post photos but have not gotten around to it.

I am enjoying myself again, and guess what? I like myself. I like the self that takes care of myself better than the one that obsesses over everyone else's problems - and then gets mad at people because of it. I like that self, too, but she is not as fun to be around....Also I like the self that does not worry so much about whether or not others will like her, so much that she changes what she does to wrap around what they want. This self can seek out people that she has things in common with, and enjoy being who she is.

Starting to feel excited about life again, in spite of drain back ups. I needed landlord over to fix a few things anyway.

More will be revealed.

Seeing Myself

2008-06-09T10:00:00.000-05:00

I went on the garden tour with my good friend yesterday. It was going to be a hot day. I put on Capri's but took my new shorts. I was afraid to wear my shorts. When I got to her house I put them on in her bathroom and asked her to come and see if they were OK. She said my legs were skinny and I looked great. I did not see it but trusted her judgement that I could go on out in public in my shorts. I needed her to see me. I do not know how to see myself. I was happy to be able to go out on a hot summer day in real, live, middle of the thigh shorts. But still felt kinda naked. Funny, but true.

The tour was awesome. We talked and visited in the car (she drove, which was really, really great) on the way to each destination, and then we marveled at the gardens and homes, and talked plants and gardening with other folks on the tour. I loved it. I even took off my shoes and went bare footed in some areas. I was by a little pond/fountain area in one of the gardens and a woman was taking a picture. I moved out of the way. She said I would have been great in the picture. It was a compliment, flattering, but it scared me a little. I did not know what to do with that information. Also, one garden had several mirrors, I was afraid to look in them. I did look, I saw my white legs hanging out in the open where all could see and it scared me.

OK, I know I am not normal. I am trying to recover from all this. I am happy to get compliments, and to wear shorts. I am also getting in touch with whatever these feelings are. I am not going to let them dominate me, or drive me back to a tub of ice cream. But I am going to let them surface and check them out. They have been with me all my life. They are part of my relationship with myself and with food. I want a healthy relationship with my body and food. That's my goal.

Just now I was downstairs getting milk from the vending machine. Our company receptionist told me she did not recognize me because I lost so much weight. She asked, and I had to tally it up, and I had lost 17 pounds from when I signed up for WW in October. She asked how I did it. I told her I ate less, and used a variety of diet information. She asked if I exercised, I said some, but not always. This is all true. I have no magic. I just don't give up I guess, and I eat less. I could not go into all the psychological stuff with her but someday if I solve the mystery of me, I may be able to summarize that and tell people. I get asked more and more "how I did it" and I do tell people I have done it gradually, over time. There is no quick fix for me. I am still in the mystery part of this deal. It still seems temporary, like another weight I am passing through, but in reality I am close to the size where I want to stay, if not already there.

Right now, though, I want to be comfortable in my body. And not scared of myself in shorts. I want to believe what people say about my looks, but not dependent upon the compliments and remarks. It's new, people notice. But eventually, they will accept and recognize me, it will be "normal" for me to look this way. I want to feel "normal" in my body. That may take time. And friends like Lois, who took me touring yesterday. She wants to take me shopping, too, and help me pick out a couple of summer dresses. She wants to take me to concerts at the botanical gardens. Basically, we are going to dress me up, and take me out. I need help with that, and she's a good person to do it. She's happily married, a long time friend, stable, with a teenage son and a good career. We have a lot in common, minus the married part.

So here I am. It's Monday morning. I had a fabulous weekend. My desire to be a passenger and not a driver was defiantly fulfilled, Saturday night, and Sunday. I wore real shorts in public, and I took good care of myself. I had time with both kids, and took care of my pets and household. I even got in some gardening and reading time. Last night I reclined in my lounge chair on my patio and felt incredibly content. Life is great.

More will be revealed.

PS - I went to the gym and had a good 30 minute workout on my lunch hour, and I made my physical therapy appoinment. I feel healthy again. Even the cold is going away.

Nice Weekend

2008-06-07T23:25:00.000-05:00

What a nice weekend I am having. I bought a car Friday, so now I can get on with the rest of my life. It's the kind of car I have been wanting for a long time. A Toyota Camry. It's a 2004 and I really like it. It is comfortable, roomier than our other cars, and has a good stereo. It gives a smooth ride, too. My daughter likes it. And when I drive her and her friends around, they will be more comfortable. It's my comfy car.

Today was great. I got up early and worked in my garden. I just call my back yard my garden because it is a small yard and mostly flowers and bushes, so basically, it is all garden to me. I planted some flowers, and I cut the weeds/grass. It was so nice to finally spend some time there. I love it. Things are blooming that did not bloom last year. I love spending time there in the morning.

Then I went to my Saturday morning group that I have been attending. Afterwards we all went for their yearly barbecue. It was so nice to be social and get to know some new people. I did not stay too long because I had some shopping to do. Still completing my summer wardrobe. Shopping was a bit tiring, I was getting shorts. My legs need work but I have to have shorts. It's HOT. I am wearing real shorts this year and not just my Capri's. I also bought a few more flowers. I did not see any hibiscus but will get those later. I had a little time at home prior to the dinner thingy. I don't consider it a date. Just a dinner.

I ate carefully at dinner. I had grilled shrimp and steamed veggies. But I did have some whole grain bread and butter. I am still trying to lose back that couple of pounds I gained. Today was a very reasonable eating day. At the barbecue I had chicken breast, salad, slaw and fruit. Small servings of each. And breakfast was a protein bar. I did not get much exercise, except for gardening.

My dinner "date" was nice. It was realistic. We were not trying to have romance. Both of us have gone through some relationship stuff and just want some friendship. He got the dealer stickers off of my car window for me and told me he would help me with some odd jobs on my rental property and a few things I need to do that involve a truck and putting things together. It was an early evening and I still had time to drive my daughter out to her friend's house.

Tomorrow I am going on a garden tour with a friend. I am looking forward to it. I think it will be fun and it will give me ideas for my garden. She's driving. And that's even better. I am going to make it a point to drive less even though I do enjoy driving my new car.

I am reading the book Lynn recommended. When Food is Love. All I can say right now is WOW. It is so on point about compulsion. I have never seen it explained so well. I feel I am solving a mystery about myself and I have just begun reading it. Now is the perfect time to read it, too. It is helping me understand what I was feeling/doing in my relationship this winter.

Anyway, more will be revealed!!! I feel like I am getting my life back.

Friday!!!

2008-06-06T09:00:00.001-05:00

It is Friday and I am taking off early to go car shopping. I feel pretty good. I am wearing a very cute top that I bought many years ago, like perhaps 2002 - but it never fit the way I wanted it to. So now it fits the way it is designed to fit. I also have on my lowest size Capri's. My couple of pounds of water or whatever is still on the scale but I don't care. I ate much better yesterday but noticed where I had higher sodium in my food (lunch meat, salad dressing, etc.). I think I will start watching that as well.

I am off caffeine now since Sunday. Did some exercises this morning. Have not gone to the gym. I am going to start physical therapy next week.

I still feel slightly traumatized. But better each day. I am healing. I have my food with me so I can eat sanely while I am at work. I am taking my medicine for the cold. It seems to be better. Once I am off work I am going to spend the day taking care of my immediate needs - the car, for one. And, work in the garden if it does not rain...decided to get a couple of hibiscus for the back so perhaps I can shop for those today if time permits. They seem tropical and it appears we may have a tropical summer in the weather department.

Working in the garden is a healing activity. I just want my life back. My peaceful, calm, optimistic life. Sunday I am going on a garden tour with one of my good friends. I am looking forward to that. She's doing the driving, too. I most likely will not have dinner with the Weed on Saturday night. There are too many other things to do that would be better for me. Like doing my toenails or my hair.. hee hee or cleaning the cat boxes....okay I will stop. I think I may be getting my sense of humor back.

Every encounter today with another human being can be an opportunity to share an attitude of joy....or something positive anyway. I will shoot for joy and see what happens!

Post Crisis Eating

2008-06-05T14:06:00.000-05:00

Vickie and I have talked about this - I eat pretty good during the crisis and when it's all over, then I eat more. I call it relief eating. I did some of that yesterday. So I was not sticking to any kind of drastic. My weight is up a couple of pounds. I am doing better today. I have done much worse. I am following my usual pattern. I lose some pounds and then fluctuate around the new number. I am trying to drink plenty of water today because I have been eating more salty foods than normal. I had mircowave popcorn two nights in a row. Not the low cal stuff, the good stuff. If I had the lower calorie stuff on hand I would have eaten it, but the good stuff was all I had. I don't remember what I ate last night but it was more than I planned.

I was exhausted again last night, went out to look at a car but it was not through service yet. Just being on the lot put me in a panic. I will resume looking tomorrow. I have two days left to get one basically. I slept a little late today and went in an hour late for work. I was just too tired to get up. The sleep is doing me good, though. Good for my state of mind.

I have plenty of work to do today on the job. Taking it one item at a time. I think I could use a little more sleep. .

Back to Drastic

2008-06-04T09:49:00.000-05:00

Part of taking care of me is watching what I eat. I have done pretty good during my melt down days but now I am back to paying attention, tracking, planning. I am not on super drastic. I am basically on super drastic plus high fiber cereal. I missed my high fiber cereal. I am having veggies, lean meats, low-fat or non fat yogurt and high fiber cereal. Also will allow eggs. I like eggs.

I went to a meeting last night. Al-anon. Good support for what I am going through. Good for people who think about other people's problems so much they can't focus on themselves. I want to attend regularly. I bought a book about losses and grieving. I am getting a little burnt out on the self help stuff, though and feel like maybe I just need to get out and have a little fun. Take things lightly. But I need some help to even be able to do that right now.

So I am sticking with my plan this morning, eating my healthy foods, taking my medicine, drinking my fluids, and doing my work. I'd like to get back to the gym but need to go to the physical therapist first. Have not made the appointment yet. I was wiped out tired yesterday after just going to work a half of a day. Maybe a dog walk would be good tonight.

OK - time to go to the confessional. The X before the recent X called last night. I talked to him. He asked me if I'd go to dinner with him on Saturday for his birthday. The idea of someone picking me up at the door and taking me to dinner was so enticing that I said yes. But the idea of my X is not that enticing. I wasn't wanting to fess up to this. Is the overwhelming desire to be taken out justification for associating with the X? I have a picnic on Saturday where there could be eligible future X's (just kidding, that's so negative). I want a new X, not an old one. Ok, I am going to stop....

It is exactly a year from when I met that X. Last summer I had such an attitude of excitement. Like anything was possible. It was exciting at first just to feel attractive, etc. I want that attitude back. That feeling. Right now I have a feeling of loss and defeat. I need to lift myself out of that. I am not defeated. I made my weight loss goal. Is that defeat????? Nope. I want to give up the need to feel defeated. It is some sort weirdness. Removing my brother was not defeat. Breaking up with MF was not defeat. Both of those were painful experiences at first but they were not defeat. They were doors opening up to a better life.

I have doubt that the better life includes the X before my most recent X. I hear other women going out with X's and I wonder how that works. I don't understand why they do it. It is mysterious to me. Maybe their X's were not liars and cheats. Maybe I can just go out and take it lightly and let him pamper me and not expect anything else. Just a date. Nothing else. Why do I still talk to him? I think I need to get that book that Lynn suggested...and read it before Saturday.

I quite the caffeine again. Since Sunday, so this is day 4.

More will be revealed.

Taking Care of My own Business

2008-06-03T12:06:00.001-05:00

After a day of rest yesterday I am feeling better. I still have the cold. I am working a half of a day. One thing that may have impacted me over the weekend was the medicine that the doctor gave me to take at night for my back pain. It is a narcotic. Although I took it at night and slept through it I think that it may have had an impact on me. In addition to having so many things going on at once, being sick, being injured and so on. Today I am focusing on one thing at a time. Whatever it is I need to do first. My weight is stable, which is nice. I did not feel like overeating, I just felt like screaming at people.

I need to make sure I take the medicine that the doctors prescribe so I get better. I do not have to take the narcotic. I can take something else instead. But I do need to take the stuff for my sinus condition and my arthritis. It is all part of taking care of myself. A common theme with me.
Whenever I start thinking of someone else's problems I am now steering my thoughts to my own situation. I ask myself "what do you need to do for your own life right now?" Or something like that. I am retraining my thinking. Or I can ask "what can you do to take care of yourself right now?" I may have to make a list of questions. Anything to get the focus out of other people's business and into my own.

So for today I am taking care of my own business. I got an extension on the rental car so I don't feel rushed about buying a car. I took my medicines. I did a little bit of exercise. I have healthy food to eat. I am drinking lots of water and taking one task at a time to do a good job at work.

More will be revealed.

Depression

2008-06-02T17:05:00.000-05:00

I hit a huge depression over the weekend. I don't even want to try and explain it. Maybe everything just caught up with me. In the midst of it I was able to make my brother leave. His presence was part of the overwhelming feeling. I confronted him on things and he became even more delusional and impossible to communicate. I thought he was scary so I called the police. He left. It was a very bad experience. Very bad. I can't even go into how bad I have been feeling.

A church is helping him. They came and got some of his things. I made it clear he is not to come here for any reason. I will be happy to hand the rest of his things over to anyone who comes to pick them up but he cannot come to my house. He needs help. I hope he gets it. I don't want to see him. I am firm in my resolve.

I feel traumatized. And in turn I have traumatized my daughter. She has never seen me in such a bad state of mental health. I am trying to get well, I am still sick with a cold. I have all this stuff to do and there seems to be no end. I have no peace. Where did it all go? It is like I woke up and realized my life is an absolute mess. I have been so busy taking care of others 0r paying attention to other people's problems that I fail to see my own.

Or maybe I am sick and overwhelmed and my life is not as bad as I feel right now. Maybe I can hang on another day and I will feel better. I hope so. I cannot live feeling this low. I have been eating some stuff but not a whole bunch of stuff. So I am not binging. I know food won't make me feel better. Maybe that's it. I have run out of things to make me feel better and I just simply have to deal with reality.

this is depression. I don't like it. It is scary.

Normal BMI

2008-05-30T09:11:00.000-05:00

Today I reached the 148 goal........BMI is 24.5. Cut off for normal is 24.9. I extended my goal to 145 to lose another 3 pounds. That was my original goal - because that's what my driver's license reads...hee hee.

I feel like fireworks should be shooting off somewhere. I am very tired this morning. It has been a long week of post car accident stuff. I am even too tired to write about it all. I can say that I have prevailed in the struggles I have had so far. I am now tasked with buying a car (again) but feel somewhat prepared.

It all seems to go so fast. Everything. Cars, boyfriends, school for the kids. Today is the last day of school. I want to slow down and pay attention. I am deeply grateful for the support I have on here. I feel so fortunate to have found this blogging world and my fellow blogging buddies. I don't know what I'd do without you all.

I am going to get that book Lynn suggested in her comment on my last post. I can't wait to read it.

It feels good to reach a goal. Part of how I reached was by accepting the idea that I might not, and accepting little victories instead of waiting for the one big momement.

When I am not so wiped out tired I will write more.

But for today let's let out a big woo hoo or something. Over the weekend I will post my before and afters if I can get to it. I bought more clothes. The baggy stuff for work just didn't fly anymore. My pants were falling down.

I have new saying that keeps ringing in my head - Food is Grossly Over-rated.

More will be revealed!!!!

2008-05-26T19:19:00.000-05:00

I can't tell you if I accomplished anything today.....but I don't care. This was a complete I don't care day. I did care about what I ate, though, I was not super drastic, but I was careful. I will go back on super drastic tomorrow.

I had no car, I slept in, I called the insurance people. I called the rental car place and found out that I could not get a car, and I did not care. In fact I was kinda glad. I talked on the phone to some friends. I also was told that the X was going out with someone, but not from a reliable source. And get this, it actually made me feel good in a weird sort of way. Kind of a feeling of finality. I guess I was sort of hanging on to that little dream of him showing up as a completely changed man and begging me to take him back. More realistic though is the fact that he more than likely found someone more suited to the way he is now. Which is what I can do. Be with someone who does not need to change, someone who is good for me the way they are now. What a concept, right???

I was supposed to meet a guy today. But cancelled because of the car accident thing. He was a guy from the dating website. I am still hesitant about that sort of thing but thought I'd go ahead and meet this one. He appears to be responsible, gainfully employed, drivers license and car, in fact apparently has five cars and mortorcycle. My age. Perhaps a tad overweight. Likes some of the same things I like to do. He had a kind face so I decided to meet him. And eventually most likely will but I am not putting much into it, just doing it to socialize with little if any expectations. It is nice to feel this way about it. The no expectations part. Actually I feel like I am making myself do it so I will move on.

I have done some work in my room, a little at a time. And, planted a few more flowers. It has rained much and the ground is soggy and easy to plant. Took a walk for exercise yesterday in spite of the car accident. And I am going to make myself take a walk tonight. I ate white rice and now I feel guilty.

I am still pushing for those one forties. Two pounds to my interim goal, which I have already decided to take off three more after that and then stop losing for a while. Work on fitness. I want to get excited about life again, but feel kinda down today. thought too much about the X this weekend and then found out the tidbit of gossip. Why is it that I break up with a guy, knowing he is not good for me, and then I am sad that he does not miraculously change, just for me, and come back begging??? I need a reality check.

more will be revealed.....

Total Surrender and Movement on the Scale

2008-05-25T15:17:00.000-05:00

Oh happy day it was this morning when I got on the scale and saw I was two pounds down to 150. I knew then that I was headed to the 140's. Then I went to church which was really nice because a friend of mine who could not make it told me her boyfriend would be there and I should sit with him. That was sweet. They just happened to try the church by my house and liked it so they are going to go every week. And now I am going to go and sit with them on Sundays. I don't have to go alone. Anyway, her boyfriend was nice, I already knew him. We had a good talk before church and church was great. I even went and had a lady pray with me for my family, etc. I surrendered my life as I do every day but it always feels that much more surrendered when I do it at church.

Then, after church I had to go pick up my daughter and it stormed. I made it through sheets of rain and hail. It cleared up a little and then I hit a big fat van that decided to pull out in front of me at an intersection along the way. So, here I am again, back stiffening, car towed away, feeling a bit in shock. Shakey and in physical pain. The nice thing was I immediately called my girlfriend's boyfriend who had been to church with me and he came and got me, took me to get Haley, and took us home. What a nice guy. So the thought for the day is I don't need a boyfriend because I can borrow the nice boyfriend of my girlfriend.

As I lay here in bed, comfy and waiting for the muscle relaxors to take effect, I have a firm conviction to embrace the car accident as God's will. I am sick of driving. I did not like that car anyway. I needed a couple of days without putting gas in the tank. I like drugs. Hmm what else can I say? I am not going to let it get me down. That is my point. I was still sick with a cold. I need to lay in bed and take care of myself. The nicest part was that I had someone to call. I never feel like I have anyone to call but really felt I could call that guy and he'd do anything I needed. That amazes me still. I am a person who finds it hard to ask for help and accept help. The reality of surrender is that I can't do it alone.

So happy holiday. I am going to see the 140's in the next day or two. Life is good. Strange perhaps and unpredictable, but good.

More will be revealed.

Day 5 Better Spirits

2008-05-23T09:48:00.000-05:00

I am in a much better mood today even though the cold is still raging. I did not eat much yesterday. But it was on plan. Then at night (ah yes, the evil night eating) I had a pop tart and a half. I am keeping it all in perspective. I have not lost any weight yet but I fully expect to sometime because for over 90% of the week I have been doing good. It's just a bad week for exercise, and my health sucks.

I am in great spirits though this morning with some energy. Probably because I am leaving two hours early today and it's a three day weekend. I have my food for the day in the fridge at work so I am prepared. I am not hungry though. That's the problem. I am not hungry for anything, and then I get sugar craving.....whatever.

I am letting it all go today. I want to be happy and enjoy the day being productive. A woman at work, don't even know her name came up behind me while I was talking to my secretary and asked me how I lost weight and just kept repeating how great I looked, etc. She must be my guardian angel. I really needed the boost. No pop tart can take that away from me today.

Maybe all the snot in my head is keeping the scale from going down. That's it, right?

Day 4 Super Drastic

2008-05-22T15:28:00.000-05:00

Yesterday around 4 pm I had a stress meltdown and ate all kinds of junk. Snared by the work snacks. I came home disgusted with myself. Later had high fiber cereal, lots of it of course and went to bed. The cold was at its peak, I felt lousy, I gave up. Today, I had NO appetite until just now at 3 pm and I had turkey and salsa. So I guess I am back on super drastic after my big slip yesterday. It's all water under the bridge and I will survive.

All I care about right now is getting better and taking care of myself through this cold/flu whatever it is. Lots of fluid. Also, taking care of the kids and doing my job. that is quite enough. I had cable people over switching my phone service today and worked from home until two. Brother is still there and I am working with him. At least he cleans. He is keeping the kitchen spotless. He is pursuing an apartment lead today. I think I will get on my knees and pray.

OK. I am going to have some fun this weekend if it kills me. It's a three day weekend. There better be fun. I have also been poking around online dating sites, and that is fun for me. I don't take any of it personal like I used to so it's just fun and it takes my mind off the X. I can do it from bed with my laptop, too. How convenient. And, it helps me define what I want and who I am. One of them has the most complex string of questions I have ever had, like a battery of tests. But it really made me think about stuff. Who knows, it could even lead me to a nice date or two. If not, it's a convenient form of recreation.

Well, there has been no exercise. I am sick so I am resting. I will get back to that when I am well.

more will be revealed.

PS I have pounds of lettuce waiting for me in the fridge so I will do super drastic at least until the lettuce runs out. hee hee

Day 3 Super Drastic

2008-05-21T08:59:00.000-05:00

I stuck to plan perfectly yesterday. But I dipped into the caffeine. I am sick with a bad cold. I had trouble sleeping the night before. I don't want to continue the caffeine but I have been doing it since Sunday. It's a drug. I am not going to be too hard on myself. My back is pain free now, and I am cutting back the medicines for that. My mental state is tired but peaceful. I am letting the cold run its course. Everyone in the house has it.

I like eating like this. But I am looking forward to fruit and my high fiber cereals. I feel kinda bloated today. I need to flush more water through my system. I am amazed that I am having no problem sticking to my plan of eating. It is simpler - less decision making. Less food groups to choose from. There is something to that for me. I could do this off and on for a while perhaps. But I am staying in today. Like do this during the week end then add my high fiber cereal and fruit on the weekends.

Brother returned. I was relieved to see him alive. We had very long talk. He understands and admits his path was too narrow and he needs to change. He agrees he is going to have to live in the world by at least enough of the world's standards to have his own place, etc. He said he never wants to go through what he went through in the past week again. It was good we did not rescue him. He does not admit to a mental illness but he is agreeable to talking at least with clergy (who may be able to get him on board with some sort of help for his mental state). He is going to move out as quickly as he can. I was able to explain and he was able to understand what the deal is about all that. My sister is going to put us in touch with a social worker friend. He has money saved, which is a huge plus..

I wish life were simpler. Right now I can only simplify my thoughts and focus on one thing at a time. So right now I am going to focus on this contract on my desk. And be grateful for all the good in my life.

more will be revealed.

Day 2 of Super Drastic

2008-05-20T10:21:00.000-05:00

Day one went remarkably well. I was very busy. I did not eat everything I had planned. For some reason I did not have a very big appetite. Here is a rundown of my eating plan. For breakfast I am having boiled eggs (2 medium) and spinach and celery. Instead of eggs I can have lean turkey ham and spinach. I like spinach in the morning, and celery. For lunch a big salad with turkey and other veggies. For dinner I had tuna with melted American cheese yesterday because I had to eat before I left the office. When I got home I had some chicken and turkey breast before bed. Other nights when I can cook at home I will have fish and veggies. For snacks I am having lean lunch meat, raw veggies dipped in yogurt. Yesterday I did not want snacks. But yesterday I cheated on my caffeine abstinence because I had little sleep the night before and I was on those meds for my back (which is getting much better). I had frozen coffee light, added them in the plan and they still kept me under my calorie count. Today I am back to caffeine free.

That's my basic plan. I am keeping raw radishes on hand to munch as a snack, too. I love them. Hopefully this evening I will have time to clean and cut up other veggies to keep on hand for snacks in the following days. I feel pretty good this day and am cutting my medicines in half. I am sipping herb tea. I have had a cough and sore throat the past couple of days. Exercise was little yesterday, had no time. Today I can make a gym trip on my lunch break if all goes well. With feeling a little sick I may not push myself too hard, but I am going to do something. The moon is full and it may be a real nice evening for a dog walk to the swan pond.

I feel good about what I am doing this week. It feels healthy. I was down two pounds today so I lost what I gained in my emotional eating. I am back at 152. If I keep this up I will FINALLY move forward. It seems like I have been stuck a while. But really there is still time to register some sort of loss for May. And, I have maintained my loss from April - so that's something to be happy about.

Brother is still wandering the state. My Mom was contacted by some sheriff out in the middle of the state. She told them he needed to be evaluated, too. No one wants to mess with that and they think it's fine if he wanders all over the place because the Lord tells him to. They took him to a place where he could stay but he would not fill out the forms or give him name. Sheriff eventually let him out at a truck stop. He is in God's hands. I just keep repeating that as my mantra. My Mom was wanting me to let him stay with me some more. That's how it works in my family. I am trying to detach from all of that and just do my work.

Overall I am excited about my special food plan this week. It feels good and I believe I will get some results.

More will be revealed.

Prepared for Super Drastic

2008-05-18T15:19:00.000-05:00

I shopped and planned. I have my greens and veggies. I have my lean meat. I made food plans through Thursday. I start tomorrow. It is sort of a de-tox and kick off to lose the last pounds. This weekend was tricky on eating. Friday night I ate cheesecake that brother left in the fridge. I ate cereal out the wazoo last night and even in the middle of the night. So I need to get a grip. I have been emotionally eating I know due to the brother situation.

I made a missing person report yesterday and then I got a 4 a.m. call that he was walking down the highway outside of Kansas City, we live in the St. Louis area, so he was clear across the state. I told the sheriff I thought he needed to be taken for an evaluation and that he was delusional and not in good mental health. They did not seem worried about him. They had me talk to him. I told him I what I thought. He did not buy it. So I guess he is out walking the highway still. He is in God's hands. I have no intention of driving across the state to get him or bringing him back here. But I also have no intention of gaining weight and hating myself over it either.

I went to church today. It is a church near home. I found out when their singles class is and will go next week. I liked the service. I also talked to a friend of mine who said she and her boyfriend are going there now. So that's nice, too. I want to meet new people. And I will.

I have been taking it easy today but I did plant some flowers and do my grocery shopping for my south beach phase one week. I want to at least do the weekedays on that plan. Just for fun, to see how it impacts me. I call it Super Drastic because for me it is. My back was hurting super bad so I have been taking the medicine for it and it makes me drowsy, blah and it lowers my resistance to eating stuff I don't want to really eat. I am relaxing and reading on the back patio near my flowers, and I am also going shopping with daughter soon. That should be fun.

So even though super drastic starts tomorrow, today needs to be well behaved. I already hit the cereal too hard in the a.m. but I stopped and had a prudent salad for lunch and apple for snack.

More will be revealed.

PS - the shopping was fun. I got a black dress in a 1o with a little floral half cardigan type thing to wear with it. I got two pairs of Summer size 6 pants that have a stretchy type waist. They are cute. I got two tops. I think that is all. It was great to find smaller sizes that fit and cute stuff. The problem with dresses is my top is bigger than my bottom. So the bottom is loose and the top is snug but it still works. Maybe I will post photos of my spring fling wardrobe.

In God's Hands

2008-05-16T21:47:00.001-05:00

It is Friday night and I am propped up contentedly in bed with my laptop and a good book. Today went well in the eating and exercise department. I was detoxing off of two days of eating more than I planned. I went to the gym right after work. I did not have to run any kids anywhere, so I could work out and then grocery shop. It was nice. Real nice. I did not have a big appetite after working out. I think that 5:30 work out is a good time for me. But it does not necessarily work with my home life unless everyone can have a late dinner. They may not mind. I will ask. Maybe a couple times a week. Or they can make their own....what a concept. Good for building independent living skills.

I wanted to post tonight because tomorrow will be prison visit day and I will be gone from sunrise until sunset. I appreciate all the comments about the situation with my brother. Since my breakup I have been realizing how overloaded I have been. There are some things I cannot change, like work. But there are many things I can. Even with the kids - I can have them do more jobs around the house. They can prepare meals. They already do their own laundry, which I think is fantastic. But they can do even more, and it is good for them. As for other family members who are adults, they are going to have to take responsibility for themselves or get help from other people.

My brother is in God's hands. He has not returned. I have heard nothing from him and it is the third night he has been gone. He is not one to call people at all so it does not surprise me. I am letting it go for now. If anyone is being watched over it would be him.

I am letting go of everything tonight. The past, my mistakes, my worries. I am going to bed and getting a good night's rest. I feel peaceful. I have put in a good day on this earth and I have earned my rest.

I am looking forward to my travels tomorrow. And looking forward to the rest of the weekend. I hope to get out in the garden and get those flowers in the ground on Sunday. And get one quarter of my room cleaned. I am taking it in sections. Those are my only solid goals.

Food was calling me yesterday and the day before, but today it subsided. I am happy that I am keeping off my recent loss. I want to gear up for more loss. I feel confident I can push on very soon. My workouts are regular, and my appetite is stable. I want to do something different with my diet next week. I want to do the south beach phase one type eating. No breads, fruits. Mainly veggies and lean meat. I'd like to do it for a week just for the heck of it to see what happens. I can do anything for just one week, right?

For now I am putting everything, my eating, my kids, my brother, my parents, my present, my future, you name it, in God's hands.

Reinvention - Another Version of Drastic

2008-05-16T10:34:00.000-05:00

I feel like I need to get drastic about some other stuff in my life. I am far to focused on everyone else's problems and still less focused on taking care of me. I seem to get stuck in feelings (negative ones) and don't get nearly as much out of life as I could if I turned my sights toward something pleasant more often.

I have a book for reading after a breakup. It's a funny, but very insightful and practical book. I got it out (finally) and was reading in it yesterday. It has a chapter on the "breakover" meaning a makeover after your breakup. To get a person moving on. It is all about moving on, really, the whole book, and avoiding staying stuck in negative thinking. So I am going to start my breakover today. It is about emerging from experiences with a better version of myself.

I am trying to compile a list of new things to do that I have been wanting to do but put off for whatever reason. Then I am going to pick some things to do and do them. I am also going to clean that room of mine which looks more like a giant, messy storage facility than a bedroom. It has loads of potential, just needs some time and effort. And a bunch of trash bags.. I have a goal to make an impact by the end of the weekend. I want a noticeable difference. Otherwise I will post embarrassing photos of it on my blog.

I need positive activities to focus on. Things to look forward to. I need these to balance out the other stuff I have to deal with. Support groups are good, and I have some of those but I need fun, enrichment, excitement, creativity, intellectual gratification and so on. I don't want to just survive. I WANT TO THRIVE!!!!!!

OK. So here are some of my ideas

Plant the flowers and put in a bench or swing in the grassy area of the back yard. Do some decorating. Get the patio ready and have people over. I have friends, I just need to call and invite them over, even if it is just one at a time.

Get the camera battery (stolen by electronics hijacking teenage daughter) and start taking pictures again. Get the slideshow software and put together the slideshow that's been in my head for about a year now.

Take Bass lessons. I have the guitar. Bite the bullet. Spend the money, sign up for a month or so of weekly lessons and see if I like playing. If not, I can move the giant amp out of my room and clear some space.

Take charge of the bedroom, spend a little money and redesign my spaces for music, computer work, etc. Make it pretty.

Get a pedicure, or some other beautifying spa-like thing done.

Go to a new church, one with a singles group, and go to the singles thing. I am single so how about hanging out with some single people.

Those are just a few things. I need to make a bigger list and put things on them even if they don't seem possible right now.

I need to get out of the lowgrade funky feeling I have been having. I am sick of it. It is like a black cloud - I start feeling good and then I go "oh yea, blah blah blah (insert negative situations like brother, kids in prison, break up, and so on)" and then I let that gloomy thing creep over me again, and I feel like I can't do anything. But I can do stuff. Perhaps I need a mantra like "I can do stuff" to say over and over again.

That's my Friday inspiration.

The Difference - Facing Reality Without Binging

2008-05-15T10:44:00.000-05:00

Last night I had a bit of a blow up with my brother. He left and I have not seen him since. He left on foot. He has a pattern of walking off when he is upset and not letting anyone know where he is. If I don't see him this evening I will file a missing person report with the police. He left his wallet, money, ID, etc. I lost my patience with him and I regret that. Next time I see him I am going to insist he get an evaluation. I don't know much about dealing with mentally ill people. Especially ones who don't think they are mentally ill. He made one too many remarks about my daughter. I guess my instinct to protect my daughter is much stronger than my instinct to protect my brother.

I ate more for dinner than I planned. It was right after the blow up. In the evening I had a bowl of cereal at movie time. This was not overeating or binging. It was normal eating but I was wanting to eat less so I could lose. It was not enough to gain, just enough to maintain. That's a big difference. In the past emotional eating would be a binge and it would spill over into the next days, sometimes even weeks. But now I see that my emotional eating was an extra snack and a fourth of a bagel with butter, and a small helping of tortellini. I had planned to eat much less, but if this is as bad as it gets, I am fine with it. I accept it. In fact, I am happy that is all I did.

I have denied the stress of having my mentally ill brother show up and stay with me for now almost two months. I have tried to be patient and accept him the way he is but the truth of the matter is he has trouble getting along and living around other people. He is delusional and borderline. Hard to communicate with because if I try and discuss things with him he will start saying that the Lord says something when it is obvious that it is his own agenda. I am providing a home for two middle school children. I have no help, financial or other. I do pretty good. I am still adjusting to adding an adolescent boy. A mentally ill 50 something man is too much, I have to draw the line. I am thinking of Vickie's line in the sand.

I am facing reality. My brother is mentally ill. I don't have the capacity to house and supervise a mentally ill person. I don't have the ability to support an adult. I have enough on my plate already. I've been trying to get along with it but I don't have enough of whatever it takes. I need to dig up the mental health numbers that my sister's friend e-mailed me and call someone and talk to them. Even if my brother does not think he as a problem and refuses treatment I can get some information on what I need to do. I will make use of the professionals who know more about this than me.

I'm facing reality and eating normally. What a concept. That's something to be grateful for.

Mid May Challenge

2008-05-13T11:23:00.000-05:00

It's the middle of May already. Time seems to have flown by this month. I want to loose four pounds by the end of the month. In fact that would put me at my current goal. I would like to lose a little more after that but first I need to reach that goal.

Here's my plan:

Tackle the evening eating: I have had several days in a row where I was able to stop eating early in the evening. This helped get my weight back down from my fluctuation last week. Not eating in the evening is a major breakthrough so I am going to continue with it.

Measuring: I want to make sure I am measuring. When I start to slack, my portions get bigger. Especially in the evening when I am cooking dinner. If I am going to taste what I am cooking, it needs to be measured and accounted for. This may sound drastic but I think I need it.

Log in at night and make a final tally for the day: I have a food plan in the morning but in the evening I often have not planned the whole day out, and I don't log back in and add what I had. So, I either need to start having a complete plan (this would work best) or once I have figured out what I am having, add it to the plan.

Exercise - I want to get back to cardio every day. I have slacked a little but not too badly. In order to get these pounds off I am going to need to push myself. For a month or so around Christmas I went every day and did well with that. I will try to get back to that. Weather is nice so I can bike ride and dog walk, too. I also want to add more toning and get what is left of my body firm.

I've been doing pretty good but it is easy to get sloppy so I am re-dedicating myself to focusing on the challenging areas.

I hope this works. I am getting kind of excited again. I shopped last night and bought a size 6 pair of Capri's. They are a little tight and they are the stretch denim fabric. But for me to squeeze myself comfortably into them is a miracle. I don't recall wearing that size in my entire adult life.

Mother's Day Revisited

2008-05-11T22:10:00.001-05:00

Last year I had major depression just before Mother's Day. I am happy to say that this year was far better. In fact the difference is huge. This year I can tell how much better off I am emotionally. I can tell that I have taken care of myself and dealt with some of my biggest specters from the past. It is nice to be able to see and feel progress.

For Mother's Day I bought some flowers to plant. I have not planted yet, the weather was cold, but it is nice to have them picked out and ready to go. Saturday night my daughter and I had our Mother's Day movie night together. First we went out to dinner and I had a salad bar. Then we rented movies and spent the evening laying on the couch watching them. It was so nice to spend so much time together. I resisted eating the rest of the night. And in the morning I was back down to my low weight and ready to move forward with more weight loss. I stayed in bed until 11:30 in the morning. It was absolutely fantastic. We eventually took the two hour drive to my Mom's and stayed a couple of hours. I did not overeat like last weekend. I did have a nice meal, though, but I stopped eating. Crucial for me, stopping. Not always possible.

I feel ready to move forward with more weight loss now. I feel stabilized again and back to normal. My daughter and I visited my parents on Sunday. Mom's kitchen is a big eating trigger, but I did not overdue it. I enjoyed what she had prepared, including some lemon pound cake and strawberries but did not eat for the remainder of the day/evening, and had eaten light prior to dinner. No major impact.

I believe that getting enough rest is a big help to my moods and my appetite. And giving up the caffeine has worked wonders. I hope to keep a more rested schedule from now on and focus on doing things that relieve, rather than create stress.

The Twinkie Cake

2008-05-09T09:10:00.000-05:00

I'm still stuck in the same weight but hanging in there. I did well last night and for me to do good in the evening is a wonderful thing. Last night turned out to be a healing experience. My daughter went to a concert in the city. The other Mom took the kids and dropped them off because she gets off work way earlier than me. So it was my job to pick them up later. I was not looking forward to it because it was going to keep me up later and the route I had to take took me through part of the city that makes me nervous. St. Louis is a very violent city with shootings going on most all the time in one area or another. The concert club is in an OK area but to get there from where I live takes me across places there I'd rather not go so much.

Then I realized that my grandson's mother lives in one of the neighborhoods I'd be passing. He was going to spend the weekend with her for Mother's Day and her birthday. I decided to drop him off a night early so he could spend the day with her Friday without her step kids being there. And so I could only make one trip to the city instead of two nights in a row. He was real happy and excited about it. I needed to take him shopping for pants for his band concert. I ended up getting him many shirts for summer because they were having a good sale. I also got him new shoes. And I got his Mom some stuff, too. The total at the checkout was pretty high. I think he was shocked when he saw it. My grandson is not used to having lots of money spent on him, or getting what he wants so easily. In fact, at some point in his life I think he gave up on wanting altogether. Since he came to live with me he has slowly been able to want things, and have things and even ask for things. I understand how he feels. There are still some things I gave up on wanting, but I am working on that, slowly but surely.

Then I suggested we bake his Mom a birthday cake. I asked what she liked. He said that we would not be able to make her favorite cake. Her mother used to make it - his grandma who died last year. It was the twinkie cake. It dawned on me that we could make the twinkie cake. It would be special for her to have it and it would mean much to my grandson. I told him we could do it. We did not have a whole bunch time. I told him he'd have to get all his stuff ready while I went to the store and got the ingredients, etc. I took him home from shopping and looked online to get the recipe for the twinkie cake. There were several versions. I picked the closest one to my memory of it. I worried I would not get it right. I wanted so much for it to be just right.

I did not have much time and still had to get to and from the store with the ingredients, and make the cake in time to leave enough time to drop him off and still get my daughter picked up on time. The grocery store was crowed and the lines were long. I ended up in one where the guy in front of us had problems with his check card. This took a really long time. Then he was short on cash and had to put some things back. It did not dawn on me until it was too late that I could have paid his shortage, so he could get all his stuff. If that ever happens again I am going to do that. I regretted not thinking of it on time.

Anyway, in spite of the grocery line experience I got home in time to put the twinkie cake together, just enough time, in fact. Then, we hit a huge traffic jam on the way down to the city. I kept my spirits up and we had a nice conversation about things. He called his Mom from the car and I heard him tell her he had a surprise for her. We got there just in time for me to drop him off and still pick my daughter up at just the right moment. It was timed perfectly. It all worked out just right. When things like that time out perfectly I feel like it is some Divine confirmation that I am on the right path.

There is a point to all this. I struggled for years with my feelings about my grandson's mother, her neglect, her abuse, her inability to parent my grandson or to meet any of his needs. At first it was hard for me to even take him to see her at all when he came to live with me. I have been very careful on his behalf. But I have seen their relationship improve after she went to a treatment program last fall. But I am still watchful. The cake was for her but it was for him. It was something I could do that gave them something very special to share. Something to heal. To soothe the loss of the mother/grandmother. To keep her memory alive. Something to heal my relationship with her and with him. It was love. Love is making a twinkie cake for someone you have feared and resented for years because you know it will make her happy and you know it will make him happy to give it to her. Love is driving to the scary part of the city to help two people have a relationship and to help them heal together from a loss they share. Love is getting clothes and shoes for someone and making sure he knows that it's no trouble and you are glad to do it. And that it makes you happy to give them to him.

I have felt sometimes that my grandson and I are not very close. He's getting older and changing. There has been some isolation between the two of us. It was wonderful to be able to spend the evening doing things for him. And making sure that he could have something special to bring his Mom. It is odd but I feel some sort of redemption for all of us in that one little cake.

I miss the grandma who died. We were friends. She raised my grandson for many years and we shared that experience. We looked out for him together and made sure he had what he needed and that he had plenty of love and kindness in his life. Maybe I made the twinkie cake for her, too.

Stuck

2008-05-08T15:44:00.000-05:00

My weight is stuck. My weekend indulging is lingering on the scale. I will think it through more when I start popping illegals into my mouth again. Being at Mom's is a big trigger. I am going there Sunday, but will be more prepared.

I have been to the gym the past three days in a row on my lunch hour doing cardio. I have been doing my weights and abs in the morning. I have also been sticking to a good food plan. So I should recover soon from the the standstill.

I am feeling a bit blah from reading tedious, boring contracts all day. So I thought I'd take a break and make a quick post. I wish I could eat big fat burgers, cookies and chinese buffet without consequences. Maybe if it was just the burger, and then no cookies and chinese buffet following I would have had little consequence. But I basically had three days where I ate things I don't normally eat, and in larger quantity than I normally eat. That's usually the trouble with allowing for some foods that I normally avoid. It is hard to let go of the taste for them, especially sweets, in the following days.

Anyway, I am sure to recover from the evil foods. I got used to steady losing and want to get back to it. I can also look at it as a success to get back on track after a couple of days. I used to get off track for weeks!!

Settling In

2008-05-07T11:20:00.000-05:00

I feel very settled into my life today. I feel at ease here at my desk at work. I feel no pressure even though I have many contracts to review. I have been keeping regular business hours now for about two months. I have been very careful with my communications and have been addressing the concerns my boss brought to my attention in our meeting in March. I feel like my work life is calm and settled. I have a routine. There is a feeling of security and stability in that.

Home feels settled now, too. Last night my daughter and I watched a movie together and I relaxed all evening. We have been ordering movies and watching them together. My grandson has been expanding his activities lately. He rides his bike places in the neighborhood. He went to the library the other night. I am happy about that because I felt he was isolating himself for a while, but that may be what he needed to do to adjust the big changes last year. He has a social life on some weekends and on other weekends he sees his mother. His life seems to be going nicely.

My daughter has been spending more time with me. This seemed to happen as a result of my brother staying with us. She does not like my brother at all, and does not like him staying with us. But, as a result, she spends more time with me. My brother spends time with my grandson. It works out. I think having yet another person move in after having to adjust to the grandson moving in a year ago, has put my daughter a bit over the edge. She longs for the days when it was just the two of us. So we are finding ways to do things with just each other. She even grocery shops with me. I like it.

I'm not sure what will happen with my brother. He is saving money and looking for a new place to live. He has been jogging about 15 miles to work in the mornings lately, two days last week and now two days this week so far. He makes it in about 2.5 hours. Maybe he should do marathons. I think it's amazing. I told him I'd drive him but he likes the high he gets from the run. I was resentful over the weekend about him but I am over it today. It doesn't do any good to be resentful. Plus, there is good coming out of him staying with us. I think he inspires my grandson. And his presence is pushing my daughter closer to me.

I think things got a little wild and crazy for about a year or so for me. Here at work, and in my personal life, too. But it feels like it is falling into place. I've learned some things. Many things in a short time frame. I have lost more weight and perhaps the attention that I get as a result of that is hard to handle. I think an entire post could be written about that. It is taking some time for my mind to adjust to my body. And my emotions, that's another story entirely.

Anyway, I am going to enjoy my calm, settled feeling today. I have much to be thankful for.

The Joys of Being Caffeine Free

2008-05-06T09:07:00.000-05:00

I completed my first week caffeine free. The withdrawal is most likely finished according to what I have read, although I did see where it could last up to nine days. But today I feel great. One thing that I noticed immediately was that the undercurrent of anxiety that plagued me most of the time is gone. It has vanished. I read that feeling as fear and stress. I often got fixated on a problem or issue and could not let go of it. I felt more compulsive, or impulsive with the constant buzzing of the stimulant. The absence of it makes me feel stable and calm most of the time. More in control. This morning when I walked into my office I felt an almost overwhelming sense of well being. It's great. It is not chemically induced!

My Drastic (Helen should get a copyright on Drastic!) did not start yesterday. It was my night out with daughter and we went to a Chinese buffet. There is nothing Drastic about that. In fact, I forgot how icky that food eventually makes me feel. It would be great if it was not laced in sauces and sodium and other stuff. I did not eat an overwhelming amount of food but it was way more than I normally eat. We used to eat out all the time but back then I weighed 40-50 pounds more than I do now. I enjoyed eating out with her but now I have that Chinese food hangover of a slight swollen feeling. Next time we will do a different type of food.

So I can Drastic today, and I am. Drastic now becoming a verb. I brought a supply of food and I know how much there is, how many calories, etc. I can eat all of it before the end of the work day, in any order. It feels great to be prepared. I also brought some herbal teas. I love tea. And I can drink it without consequence. With coffee I had to always put something in it and that added calories. With tea, I don't add anything. I am excited about having a productive day at the office, including a workout on my lunch hour.

I am excited about something else, too. I am signing up for a spiritual retreat. It's in June - 12th - 15th. A friend of mine was telling me about it last night. She went last year. I called the guy and left a message and I hope to get in. I need something like that. I'm looking forward to it.

I am in awe of this caffeine free state. I was loading up on the stuff constantly, thinking I needed it. But it perpetuated it's own need. It was a hamster wheel in and of itself. I am sure some people can drink it normally, but not me. I overdid it. Without it I have more clarity, and it is easier to relax. I have not had as many distorted thoughts. I went to a shrink years ago when I wanted treatment for eating disorders. He told me to stop drinking caffeine. He was not very helpful about the food, in fact not at all. He did not acknowledge I had a problem. But he did have something there with the advice on the caffeine.

Anyway, today I am celebrating my freedom from the bondage of caffeine.

More will be revealed!

Day Seven No Caffiene

2008-05-05T08:51:00.000-05:00

I've made it to the one week point. Friday night I could not sleep at all. But Saturday when I got up early for my trip I felt OK. In fact, I felt better all day traveling than I did back when I drank coffee all day. I felt less worn out. I traveled a total of about 6.5 hours driving time. It was a beautiful day for driving out in the country. The scenery was magnificent. I visited each son and had time in between for a stop at a park. It was a relaxing day. I went to my parents afterwards and that drive was beautiful. I spent the night at their house and drove home Sunday morning. I ate cookies at mom's. My mom is a food trigger big time. But I did not do so bad. I had decided to eat a burger that day earlier at a fast food place. It was a big wonderful burger I'd been craving for weeks. I had not eaten much else that day so I had it and enjoyed every bite. Sunday my eating was up, too, probably triggered by the cookies the night before. I had sweets but stopped. I am back on track today.

My mood has been somewhat depressed. I believe that going off the coffee could be contributing to that so I am not going to worry too much about it. I needed to grieve the loss of that relationship anyway so I can move on. I am not fighting any emotions or feelings. Just letting it all pass. Lack of coffee has not increased or decreased my appetite. I took a nice hike yesterday and was back to my normal exercise routine this morning. I have a little emptiness where the companionship was from that relationship. I can't seem to fill it right away. I don't feel like going out and being around people much. In fact, I don't know what I feel like doing. If I am out around people, sometimes they ask about him. I don't feel like dealing with that. Not at all. It is going to take some time I suppose.

I am up a pound. But I believe I will lose that immediately upon getting back to my usual eating plan. I want to be more "drastic" this week so I can get a loss. Helen's Drastic worked very well for her, so my Drastic can work for me.

I am ready to garden. We had a couple of cold nights over the weekend. A friend said they would bring a tiller over so that I can get my one patch of grass tilled for gardening. I am excited about that. Tonight I want to buy some things just to get me in the spirit of it. I also need to dig out my gardening books. Don't even know where they are. I have only made one gardening decision and that is for a border of impatients along a sidewalk. They bloom constantly and do well in shade and I believe they will be perfect for that area.

Time to get some work done. My goal for the week is to be a more productive employee!!

More will be revealed.

The Fourth Day

2008-05-02T09:32:00.001-05:00

It's the fourth day without caffeine. Last night I had trouble falling asleep. It was kind of a long night. I worked out in the evening so that may have something to do with it. I do feel a bit blah today but yesterday my spirits were up. I picked up my books on the cardinal virtues in the evening and that put me in an optimistic state of mind. Maybe blah is simply feeling calm and since I am not used to feeling calm, I think it's blah. I think I might have something there.

It's a rainy day. The rain is soothing and calm. I'd love to curl up with a book. I forgot how much I enjoy reading. I hope to make more time for reading now that I am off the hamster wheel. Perhaps each night at bedtime. That would help me fall asleep, too.

I feel like I am craving stuff now and then but I am resisting most of the time. I ate a little more last night than normal but nothing earth shattering. Nothing I can't get over. I brought enough food for the day at work so I don't have to go poking around the vending machines. I found myself at the vending machine yesterday so I brought more food today. Being prepared is crucial for me.

I hope I can get in a more upbeat state of mind as the day progresses. But I will remind myself that the blah feeling is the feeling of being calm and peaceful without the surge of caffeine. I may do a few trips up and down the stairs from the 4th floor. That might get my heart rate up and produce a little bit of euphoria, while getting some exercise. My exercise waned during my two days of soul searching/soul sickness/mourning or whatever that was. But I am back on the beam.

I have plans with a good friend this evening. Not sure what we are doing. The kids have plans, too. It will be nice to be in the company of a positive, upbeat, encouraging friend who has known me for almost 20 years.

More will be revealed!!

New Month

2008-05-01T09:14:00.000-05:00

I lost six pounds in April. My weight is stable without any fluctuations in the past few days. That's kind of amazing and interesting. I usually go up and down within a few pounds but I am staying exactly the same. I like it.

For May, I want to continue to lose. I only have four pounds to the current goal but if a few more come off that would be nice, too. I want to continue to exercise like I have been exercising. I want to stay off of caffeine. I want to study those cardinal virtues and enjoy life. Spring is full of excitement and new growth and that's how I want to feel.

I am back at work after my two days of despair and soul sickness. It feels good to be back. My first work day without the coffee buzz. There are some people demanding things immediately and I am not feeling any anxiety over it. I took a minute to blog and I will get to it and do it at a reasonable pace.

Last night I went to church. I had not gone since the break up. I went to a different church and met a friend there. I was glad I went. It felt good to get out. Ending my isolation.

I made my list that Vickie recommended. It's a sunny day and my irises are blooming a deep purple. They were killed last year by a freeze so it is nice to see them this year blooming. There are more buds. They should put on quite a show. Pulled some more weeds this morning. They were springing up all over. Those weeds are persistent! But so am I.

Off the Caffeine and letting go

2008-04-30T10:56:00.000-05:00

This is my second day off of coffee, and all caffeine. I have been wanting to do this for some time. I just couldn't bring myself to break the addiction. I used coffee like a drug. It was great, gave me a lift. But sometimes the lift was a little too high. It is hard for me to regulate things like that. I found myself having trouble concentrating on my work, being irritable, overbearing, moody and all sorts of other afflictions. Some of that may not be attributable to the coffee but I believe the coffee may intensify it.

The withdrawal was accidental. I hit a very low depression point Monday night. I felt in the depths of despair. I stayed home from work and did some sleeping. I decided then to go ahead and get off of the coffee. I only had one slight headache late in the day. Since I already felt very lousy, it didn't matter, I just felt the lousiness of it all and let it wash over me. I went with it. I was having regrets of a lifetime of relationships with men that didn't, wouldn't or couldn't love me. I accepted my own part in choosing these guys, and getting too involved with them too fast, and so on. And I decided I can live different from now on. But it still felt, and feels pretty lousy. It is like realizing the pain I inflicted on myself with food. It was scary, because I did not know if I could change. And I felt remorse for harming myself, and others.

My eating has been OK. So to be depressed and not use food is a wonderful thing. I know I am getting better. Overcoming the food demon is huge. So it gives me hope that the relationship demon can also be overcome. I want to be optimistic like I was last week but today I just feel low. Maybe I need to feel the lowness for a little while in order to move on.

I have not gained any weight and I have not lost any weight, so I am maintaining my loss. That's great. It is the end of the month, and Grumpy used to have a letting go ritual with a balloon to release things. I think I want to do that today. I want to make a list of the things I want to let go of, get myself a balloon, tie the list to it, and watch it get smaller and smaller as it rises up to the sky until it disappears completely. I need that. It's been a bittersweet kind of month.

Hamster Wheel

2008-04-28T09:24:00.000-05:00

I had a vision, or image when I was getting ready to go to bed on Saturday night. I thought of my Sunday mornings for the past couple of months, which usually involved waking up at MF's and then driving home to get ready for church and then going back to pick MF up and then going to church. I rarely got much sleep on Saturday night and I barely had time to get ready on Sunday mornings, always a rush, like Friday evenings, when I'd get the kids to their activities by just the right time to pick up MF to go to where we went every Friday. It's been somewhat of a relief not to do all the stuff, even though I have had moments of being lonesome and missing parts of it. But I saw in my mind a hamster running in one of those wheels that spin and go nowhere. I was the hamster, running and running and spinning the wheel and going nowhere. I don't know for sure why I saw that. But it made some sense to me, although somewhat startling.

I think for my next boyfriend if I go to church with him, I want him to come and pick me up. And drive me. In fact the driving thing is definately a requirement, people. What was I thinking??

I am off the wheel. I'm a little dizzy and worn out but I am getting better every day. Sunday morning I played Handel's Messiah and cleaned my refrigerator. It was a spiritual experience. Saturday morning I met a woman who lives in my area who is friends with a good friend of mine. It was a beautiful day and afterwards I took a drive, had lunch in a small pretty town where there was an art fair, and I took a hike on the river trail. Saturday night I went to a meditation class at a Buddhist temple. Interesting. Sunday afternoon daughter and I went to see my good friend's son play in his band. My weekend was not absent of activity but my pace was easier to keep up with.

My weight stayed the same last week even though I did not overeat and my exercise was good. I am okay with it. Maybe I need a week or two of maintenance before I have another loss. Right now I need to dedicate some time to healing and taking extra good care of myself. I found myself feeling sad at times over the weekend which I am sure is normal under the circumstances. Nice that I am not soothing myself with food. Who says we have to lay around and eat ice cream when we break up with our MF's?

What's the lesson of the wheel? I don't know right now. I guess that's why I always say that more will be revealed.

Revelations on a Friday Morning.

2008-04-25T08:49:00.000-05:00

In the coffee room with my administrative assistant I had a revelation. She had brought up the old TV show Gilligan's Island. I said something about who we could relate to or who were we, Ginger or Maryanne... it dawned on me and I said it out loud. I want to be wild and seductive like Ginger with the virtues of Maryanne. Can a person have both? ?

That's my pondering for the day. I got off to a rough start with daughter calling me crazy. I was in a power struggle I know. She was pushing the time to leave and we were going to be late. Being called crazy struck a nerve. I felt crazy. I feel crazy when I want absolute control. I have to let it go and start again. Now I am pondering the Ginger/Maryanne thing. I want to focus on virtue but I don't want to be a nun. Finding balance is my challenge in life but I feel today that I can do it. It feels good to believe in the ability to change.

My X before this latest X boyfriend (we will call him XX) is calling me frantically because I am not returning his calls. Not ManFriend (who shall now be referred to as MF for short) but the one from last summer. I ran into him the day of what I now call my dress rehearsal break up from MF. It was a week and a half before the actual deal. He was elated to see me and know that I was breaking it off with MF. I was nice to him. Then he started calling and texting. I texted and talked to him a little, but not much. I decided yesterday that I don't want to talk to him at all. Why would I?

I am weeding the garden of my life. He's a weed. I need that space for something beautiful to grow. This morning I went out in my garden/patio. I read my morning readings. I walked around and pulled some weeds. A couple of them looked ok at first so I watched them for a few days, suspiciously, thinking they were weeds but not knowing for sure. Today I decided they were weeds, or weedish enough to be pulled. If I left them there they'd pull the rest of the garden off balance. It felt good to pull them. My life has been like that. Watching for weeds to turn into something. I think I need to start pulling them a bit earlier. And planting more deliberately. Tending with diligence and vigilance.

The XX feeds the Ginger in me. I want the Maryanne to grow now. Ginger is on the back burner.

I may not have a loss this week on the scale but if I stay the same I will count it as victory.

More will be revealed.

Yoga and other glorious activities

2008-04-24T09:11:00.001-05:00

Yoga was awesome yesterday. It was challenging, yet relaxing. I like that. Maybe I can strike that balance in other areas of my life. Challenged, yet relaxed. I feel confidence from being able to get into the postures but I also feel the working of my body and the strengthening. I can identify my weak areas. But the environment is gentle, soothing and relaxed. It's perfect, actually, for me.

After yoga I went home. I had a light salad. Then my daughter and I took the dog for the Swan Pond walk. The swan pond is down a steep hill. There is a steep hill to get up to the road that gets us there. The distance just long enough for a good half hour or so walk. Challenging and relaxing - again! The glorious thing about the walk last night is that my daughter went with me. She went with me Monday night as well. She is interested in taking off a few pounds. As far as I (and the BMI calculator) am concerned she is not overweight, she's normal. But she wants to take some off so I am sharing what I know with her. I am grateful that I now have a track record to prove I know something about losing weight. I can be an example for her. That's pretty glorious.

After the walk I took my laptop out on the patio and reclined in a comfy lounge chair. I kept the lights off so I could have the soothing dark of the night around me. My wireless signal works on the patio so I can get online out there. I studied the Cardinal Virtues, inspired by the recent AFG post. My brother and grandson had taken a walk to a nearby church and then out for ice cream. They came home energized and excited. More glory.

I love delicious evenings like that. I need those times to fill me up and nourish me. To prepare me for the bigger challenges in my life. To heal me from the harshness of the world.

This has been a calm and balanced week so far. I am looking forward to a weekend with only one thing planned - and it is not until 3 p.m. Sunday afternoon. It has been a long time since I had a weekend with no set plans. The thought of it relaxes me even more.

I have one more week of April left. Looks like so far I have taken off six pounds or so. Maybe more. That's exciting. The best part is that I have been sticking to the parameters I set for myself. There has been some slight deviation here and there but I just get right back to the program.

More will be revealed.

Walking my Garden

2008-04-23T08:32:00.001-05:00

I walked my garden this morning. I saw flowers I did not know where there. They were hidden behind other plants. I saw plants I grew last year returning. I saw empty spaces, opportunities for new plants to grow this year. I can pick my plants. It's like my life today. I have an empty space where Man friend was. I can fill it with something new. I can pick how I fill it. I don't mean another man. I mean other activity, other pursuits. Could be another man sometime, but not necessarily. I am walking in the garden of my life.

It is another sunny spring morning. Fresh and new. I have peace and hope today. Last night I went to the gym and had a 40 minute cardio session. It was nice and sweaty. Today is yoga day. After yoga I am not stopping off anywhere risky like last week. I want the full benefit of my session. I may go to the river and sit for a few minutes before going home. I am looking forward to it.

I am also looking forward to getting my house cleaned up and doing a few things to it. My room is overwhelming. I am going to break it down into sections. First, the laundry and clothes. And the bird cages. Then I will see what is next. Spring cleaning. It feels good.

I am remembering the hope and optimism I had last spring when I first moved here. It has been an experience I will say that. But the cool thing is I continued my path of weight loss and personal growth. I have remained faithful and hopeful. I learn from everything. I see the good in things and look for the beauty. I always find the things to be thankful for.

I have fond memories of my wacky and somewhat excruciating romance of last summer. I grew from that. Last summer was the first time I was able to wear summer clothes with pleasure and excitement. And the first time in years I was brave enough to have a romantic encounter with a man. I have a fondness for the memory of last summer. My flower gardening, my trips to Ohio, all kinds of things. This summer is sure to bring even more adventures.

I am sure I will look back on this winter's experiences with fondness in time. Right now I feel more of the struggle and some sadness but perhaps I have not yet harvested the nourishment and growth from the experiences. It takes time. But I have faith it will be revealed to me. I have so much to look forward to.

I am looking forward to an art project I have been planning in my head for some time now. It involves taking pictures. I am also looking forward to having time to write more. I may set aside some time on Friday night to go somewhere with my laptop and write. That is what I envisioned doing when I bought this laptop. Life interrupted that plan for a while. But now I have more life experience under my belt. It can only get better and better.

More will be revealed

The Excitement of Life

2008-04-22T09:37:00.000-05:00

The past two Monday nights my daughter and I have gone out under the guise of doing the grocery shopping, but really to have girl time. We do a little shopping and we eat out together. I have been trying on clothes and holding out on buying much ,but some stuff is hard to pass up. Last night I tried on a skirt and some capri pants in size 8 and found that they were a little loose in the waist. (that's an out of body experience, a single digit size having any looseness - this does not happen to a girl like me). Since I believe I will take a little more off in the waist I did not buy them. I found a pair of pink denim long shorts - just below the knee, styled like a capri I suppose, hard to describe but really cute. They were an 8 and fit snug in the waist. I bought them. I would have never bought anything like that in the past. Pastel did not work for me. It amazes me to be able to put clothes on that I had already mourned away during my heavier days. I gave up the idea that I'd ever be able to wear certain clothes again. I put on medium tops and even some things in a small and they fit. Feminine, girly things. Pretty things. It is surreal.

But it is exciting, wonderfully new and exciting.. I keep reminding myself to rejoice the fact that I am almost to my goal. I never thought I'd get there, really. It is exciting. Spring is exciting. Seeing what is blooming each new day is exciting. Seeing the sun rising this morning when I drove my brother to work was exciting. I would not have seen it if he was not staying with me right now. I'd still have been in bed. I want to see what's blooming next in my life. I don't want to miss it. I want to be up and awake so I can see it. I want to pay attention to the here and now.

Ending a relationship in favor of perhaps one day having a better one is exciting. Passing by the passover treats in favor of reaching my goal is exciting. Today I am going to celebrate the excitement of life.

Sunday Reflections

2008-04-20T11:05:00.000-05:00

I lost another two pounds. I have four more to go till I am at the normal body mass index. I feel really good about this. My eating has been sparse. It may be hard to write this post but I really want to share this.

Yesterday I visited each of my sons. That meant driving about 300 hundred miles and visiting two different maximum security prisons. Maximum security prisons are very brutal places. I have been visiting weekly this past month or so. Every Saturday. It's what I need to do to have the relationship I want to have with my sons right now. It is exhausting emotionally and physically for a number of reasons. Tony was recently transferred to a place about 2.5 hours away. One perk, perhaps the only one, for a prisoner getting transferred is they get to go for a ride and see some scenery, see what the world looks like. Tony told me I should drive through the little town of Charleston there near the prison. He said "Mom, it's really pretty, there are old houses with wraparound porches and the dogwoods are blooming." I was so happy he could see the beauty and enjoy it, even chained to an iron box, on the prison bus. It's so bittersweet and it makes me cry every time I think about it.

But here's the point of it all. I realized that for him seeing dogwoods blooming is not an ordinary thing, it may have been many years (he's been in prison at least 10) since he saw anything bloom. But he got to this year, and I got to hear him share it with me and see his eyes light up. Prison is bleak with little beauty. When he got there a guy had just been murdered by another inmate. Apparently they put two men in a cell who were not equally matched. An older, weak man with a strong and violent man. The older man begged for protective custody and the guards refused. He was brutally murdered. I hear stories like this from time to time. I cannot articulate the number of feelings I have about it all. Then I have the dogwoods. Thank God they were there. Thank God he got to see them. Thank God he has the personality or the character to appreciate them and tell his mother about them and encourage her to see them too. I can't tell you what that means to me. He could be the murdered man, or he could be the killer. But he's not. He's my beautiful, strong, brave son. Still sensitive, still holding on to dignity and character in the bleakest and brutal of places. Still seeing the beauty.

I am grateful I have the courage to go and see him so that I can show him love. Love is an action. Love involves sacrifice. Love is driving all those miles and being led into the bare, concrete rooms by guards who sometimes remind me of the grim reaper. Love is waiting on the sidewalk in line in the cold for as long as it takes so I can see my son's face light up he sees me. So I can love him in person. Even if it means seeing him bound in chains, holding a telephone with his hands cuffed painfully tight to a chain around his waist.

Well maybe I better stop at that. It is hard to express these things. I used to eat to sooth the sadness but now I just feel it. It is a clean, pure, cleansing feeling. I am not afraid of it anymore. I'd rather feel it and go through it than do countless other things to avoid it. It's safe to feel it now. It is a relief.

So many reflections on the dogwoods. How much we take for granted. How beautiful the world is. All the little gifts waiting for us if we choose to see them.

It's a beautiful spring day and I am at my coffee house. I am going to do some legal work for Tony's case on my laptop here on the comfy couch. My coffee house is comforting to me. It reminds me of my Summer of Enlightenment. I've come a long way but I am still on the road. I can't wait to see the places I will see. And I am going to enjoy the scenery.

Earth-moving Experiences

2008-04-18T16:26:00.001-05:00

I felt the earth move this morning when I woke up. Literally. It was kind of scary but awesome at the same time. I was not sure it was an earthquake but could not imagine it being anything else. I was scared thinking maybe something else could have happened like a bomb or explosion. But it was a 5.2 quake.

I need an earth shaking, earth moving experience. I think I may be doing better today about the whole breakup thing. What is amazing about that is that I did it. I identified the insurmountable issues and took action. I took care of myself. I want to pinch myself and see if I am dreaming. I really did it. That's amazing to me. I could have hung in there waiting for it to get worse, waiting until I was miserable, or for something bad to happen but I took action as soon as realized it wasn't good for me. I am in awe of this right now. And I am in awe of how many supportive, loving people I have in my life to help me through these post break up days. It doesn't seem so bad. It was a significant part of my life for close to five months but there are many, many other parts to my life.

I am still learning how to have a relationship with a man. For many reasons my relationships in the past have been mostly with abusive men, alcoholics, etc. Part of what I have been doing during my weight loss years involved getting therapy and help for to heal and learn from what happened to me in the past. I no longer carry the burden of my past but I am aware of it, and it's impact on me. I can use it in many ways that are positive. I can use it to give hope to other women. I can use it to give hope to myself. This recent relationship was different from the others in many ways, but it also had some similarities. But the true glory of it is that I am able to see it in terms of what I need and want in a relationship, and make a decision based on that. Normal people probably do that, but I am still learning. Getting better every day.

There is a relationship between my healing and my weight loss. It is not easy to articulate yet, but they go together. Maybe some day I will be able to write more on the subject.

I was not that hungry today and I ate kind of weird. Here is a rundown - Coffee with creamer; one third of a very ripe banana; the top half of a chocolate iced cake doughnut (I know it's not good but it was really delicious); all bran extra fiber with plain lowfat yogurt and berries; a tuna steak; one small piece of a chocolate almond thingy. All things considered I think it is not too bad. It's five p.m. And I will be quite busy tonight, with little time to eat. The only danger zone will be when I come home to my place instead of the usual spending the night with Man friend. I can handle that. I still have the dog..hee hee.

Man friend could not drive. I had to do all the driving. He lost his license a years ago for alcohol related driving offenses. (I know, he probably was not a "good catch" in many ways) . Right now, I can't remember the last time I was a passenger in a motor vehicle. So part of my healing process is going to be having someone take me out for a ride, drive me somewhere, so I can sit and look out the window and do what passengers do. It will be a luxury. I drive the kids everywhere, I now drive my brother to work and church, I've been driving Manfriend everywhere and frankly, I am sick of it. So that's my weekend assignment, get someone to take me for a ride. My guy friend Joe says he'd love to take me somewhere. He is very sweet, and got me through the last breakup. Sheesh, how many breakups can a girl have in one year? I guess as many as it takes. Again, better to love and lose than not to love at all.

Anyway back to earth-moving things. I think about the earth moving and feel nothing but awe. We never know what is in store for us. Today I choose to feel the excitement of anticipation of amazing, breathtaking experiences. The fact that I lost 52 pounds is earth-moving. The fact that I dumped a guy that thought I really loved - in order to take care of myself and in order to live up to my ideals, is awesome.

My sister and her husband are getting the tickets for me and the kids to go to California this summer for my birthday week (turn 50 August 6th). I am looking forward to that. My grandson's first airplane trip. He always wanted to go to California. Now he will. I love to see kid's dreams come true.

There is much in life to cherish.

I don't want to get to gooey and mushy but I love the friends I have made here blogging. I get teary thinking of how beautiful and supportive you all are. I cherish all of you.

more will be revealed

Thursday's almost Friday!

2008-04-17T08:29:00.001-05:00

Yoga was awesome last night. I felt so good afterward that I wanted to stop off at Manfriend's. I pulled up and found a cute young woman sitting outside waiting for him. They were going somewhere together. He had a plausible explanation but it felt bad. I have found him with her before. He has a great excuse. But it felt bad. It's a common thread. He has lots of women "friends" that he needs to stay in relationships with. That's the kind of guy he is. Maybe that's a fine way to be. But it's confusing to me and I decided that for me, this is not a good situation. So I broke up with him later in the night. I have been pondering it for quite a little while now. There were many things that were good about the relationship but there were also a stack of things that were not so good. I decided the good did not outweigh the not so good.

I feel sad but I also feel relief. I wish I could be more detached and objective about men but once we get into that intimate stage, and I feel all kinds of loving feelings, I cant'. I am what I am. I am not for him, he's definitely not for me. Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, right??

I don't have much of an appetite. That lovesick thing. I'm tired but at peace. I know I did the right thing for both of us, but especially for me. I want to be true to myself. In all areas of my life.

Well, Thursday's almost Friday. Friday used to be rush around to get to Man friend on time. Now perhaps I can relax and take it easy. The opportunities are endless.

More will be revealed.

Positive Wednesday Thoughts

2008-04-16T08:43:00.000-05:00

My yoga mat is in the car. I told everyone that they will be preparing dinner on yoga day every week. I told them they could make the tortellini. I think they can handle it. I am having my 1 and 1/2 hour yoga tonight. I earned it. I need it. It's important to me. I missed last week and feel like I might be behind the class, but I can do it. I did great the first class. I will have help if I need it.

I made it through yesterday. I had so much running around to do in the evening that I did not get a chance to overeat. I did have some things I don't normally have, but in small amounts. I think that satisfied the salt and sweet cravings. Today I feel OK. I feel stable. Yesterday I went to the gym before I ate lunch. I had a 30 minute cardio workout. I ate lunch later than normal since I had eaten more in the morning. That pushed afternoon snack to later, too which was helpful. I honestly think I would have eaten too much in the evening if I had not been so busy. I did not have time to prepare a meal or eat it. I took grandson for eye doctor and glasses immediately after getting home. It took a long time. I walked across the street and got a diet soda at a diner after sitting and waiting a while. Then we had to go pick up daughter, and then I went to Man friend's to help with taxes. After all that it was bed time. No time for food.

Now, in the past, I'd have grabbed fast food, maybe that giant jalapeno burger I've been craving. But I don't regard fast food as an option today. There were plenty of things I could have eaten - apple carmel home made pie at that diner, but I didn't. So yesterday turned out to be a successful day as far as I'm concerned. Not perfect but far better than it could have been. And much better than the old days.

Having things to do is a good defense against overeating. Gardening is just around the corner. In fact, I can start picking out my plants now. I am leery of planting yet because we have been having some cold nights. But I can get ready. Just thinking about my garden makes me feel good. I may go shopping around, looking and researching what to plant. That's a relaxing activity. I can also plan and plot what will go where. And start reading my gardening books. More relaxation. I love to page through gardening books and magazines.

For now I have to work, but I'm glad I took a few minutes to remember gardening. I have been so busy and mainly focused on other people's needs that I was starting to get that overwhelmed feeling and a slight twinge of resentment. Now I can stop, remember, and look forward to my time in the garden.

I think everyone needs a "garden" to think about. It doesn't have to be an actual garden, just something that makes them feel good. Some activity, reading, watching TV or a good movie, painting, you name it, whatever makes them have that delicious feeling of satisfaction. Something that uplifts their mood when they think about it. Something they can plan for and look forward to. For today, if I start having any negative feelings I am going to think about my garden.

What's your garden?

Plan of defense

2008-04-15T11:37:00.000-05:00

Struggling a little today with a bigger appetite. It feels a little compulsive. I had a banana this morning. Bananas mess me up. I usually avoid them unless I mix a half of a very ripe one in with a high fiber cereal. I found myself having my lower fat healthy peanut butter even though I'd already had breakfast, and a snack. Luckily the jar was almost empty, and I pitched what little was left so I would not go overboard. Then I added it to my tracking and plan for the day. Peanut butter is another food I can have trouble with. It makes me want more. I need to avoid the foods that make me want more if I want to lose weight. So peanut butter is going off the list for a while.

I am going to the gym, for sure, no matter what, prior to lunch. I have already had breakfast and a high calorie snack so I don't need lunch until later, and I can get the gym workout easily before then.

I don't know why I feel compulsive about food today. I don't feel like figuring it out right now. I simply want to halt it whatever way possible. I feel full. There is no true hunger here. So here is my "how" as in how to stop. I am going to drink plenty of water, have a little meditation and prayer time, go to the gym, and say no to extra food. If I want to eat, I will take a trip via the stairs down to the first floor, and come back up. I work on the 4th floor so the little mini workout might give my brain a boost and take my mind off of food. And, I am going to focus on my work the rest of the day and see how much I can accomplish.

Hope this little plan of action works. I don't want to sabotage my progress with compulsive grazing. As I have pointed out before, when I have a loss, even a little one, it seems like my body, and perhaps my mind, too, wants to get back the weight. So I have to fight some urges for a while until I adjust. That's what I am doing right now. Fighting the urge to self sabotage with negative thinking because I had too much peanut butter. Fighting the urge to eat.

I feel like I am under a slight and subtle attack. I am going to bolster my resolve and defend myself.

Monday thoughts

2008-04-14T09:02:00.001-05:00

This morning started out with a huge compliment from someone at work. She's worked for the presidents of the company since I have been here. She said I look so slim and trim that she has to do a double take when I walk by to make sure it is me. She has seen me at all weights. I thanked her and told her I was almost finished losing weight. Down to my last six pounds. She said it did not look like I needed to lose any more. People say that because they only see me in my clothes, hee hee. And they don't do the body mass index numbers or know my true weight. They are telling me I look good and that's nice. I appreciate it very much. But my loss goal has more than looking good to it. It is about being in good physical shape. Healthy with a room for a tiny fluctuation once in a while. That sort of thing. Don't get me wrong, I want to look good, too. I'm 49 years old and I don't expect to look like a fashion model. I want to look like me in good shape..and happy with who I am.

I have been thinking that I might want to extend the loss two more pounds to 146 - to give myself a safe range in the 140's for fluctuation. And that would also be exactly 60 pounds lost. I think I am obsessing on numbers a little, though, so I am keeping it for now at the 148. If I get those six pounds off, I will think about two more. I think it is important to have a stopping point. I also want to focus on shaping and toning what is left. Also have a fear about the shrinking chest. Do all of us shrink there, and do all of us fear the loss of it?? I think I am obsessing.

Enough of that. I saw a two pound loss this weekend. Now I want my last week's low will be my this week's high if I fluctuate. Something like that. I do these little numbers games with my weigh-ins.. For example, each time I move into a new zone like the 150's from the 160's I goal to just stay in that zone, even if it's in the in the upper part, until I stop seeing the old number. Then I move into the middle, then the lower and then I am on to a new zone - the 140's. It's good enough for me today that I have not seen the 160's on my scale for close to two weeks now. I'm now in the mid range moving toward the lower. These little goals keep me excited about weighing in, and help me deal with fluctuations. For example if I weigh a couple pounds higher one morning, and still keep it in the 150's I don't mind. But I push to keep myself away from the previous zone. I hope I don't sound like some kind of a numbers fanatic. Weighing in is important for accountability but I like to make it positive and rewarding. Something to celebrate. If I have a particularly rough phase, I look back at my old numbers and find the gratitude.

Friday I got the half day off. It was such a relief. I accomplished several things, including a workout and did them at a relaxed pace. Even took Man friend with me to my rental house to collect the rent and present the new lease to the tenant. I did get a little overwhelmed after going there, a part of the fence blew down and needs to be fixed. The grass will need cutting soon and she does not seem to do that much. Plus, I want to plant bushes. But I like planting, so that will be fun. I went to the gym Saturday and had a good workout. Better than planned. I rested Sunday - no workout. I get tired on weekends staying up with Man friend and then still getting up early to do things. Man friend takes naps. I tried napping with him Saturday. He went right to sleep. I rested, but never fell asleep. I wish I could nap. Maybe yoga will help. Maybe if I just try more I will get there. I can set aside an hour to lay down and see what happens.

I know planning and tracking and yes, even measuring - is working. These last pounds seem the hardest to take off but the methods work. Less food, more exercise. It makes sense. The theory is simple enough, but the doing of it is tricky. If I don't measure and track, I won't know if I am really eating less or not. I tend forget how much I eat.... and make excuses and rationalize..even lie to myself about food sometimes. Yesterday, my day of rest, I did not track or plan. I was careful, though, with the foods I chose and how much. One day a week won't hurt me unless it has that snowball effect and spills into the next day. If I measure and track, even if I go over what I planned, I still eat less than I would if I did not plan and track. I don't stick to things perfectly, but my imperfect efforts are working. Slow and steady like the tortoise.

Progress, not perfection. Beula reminded me of that recently. I try to be gentle with myself about this weight loss. For years I bashed myself for being overweight. And when I tried to lose, I bashed myself for even the smallest mistakes. I have to look at it in a completely different way today. It is a life change, a lifestyle change, an attitude change, and a thinking change. For me it has to be positive and loving. Full of forgiveness and gratitude.

On that note, I need to go make a food plan for today. I packed my usual stuff for work, but I have not tallied up a plan. Don't want to fly blind today..

Taking Care of Things, Including Me

2008-04-11T09:25:00.000-05:00

I am requesting a half day off today to take care of a bunch of little items that have piled up. It's the first request since my sickness and my blowout with my boss. So I am hoping it gets approved. I slept again last night perhaps close to 7 hours. Had to get up to take brother to work. Kept waking up at different times so it was a weird night's sleep. I need a break and I am going to try and get one.

It seems like I slip up a little every day but overall I am more disciplined than I was in earlier months this year. I walked the dog over our hilly terrain last night. It was a lovely spring evening and I enjoyed the walk. I went to my swan pond for the first time this spring. I remembered how excited I was to find swans in the neighborhood. I still feel very grateful to live where I live.

I have piled myself into a corner literally in my room with clothes, paperwork and odds and ends strewn about. I think I may clean it in sections, divide it into quadrants and take each 4th at a time. Or just one pile at a time. I don't want to overwhelm myself, but I don't want to stand still either.

So today taking care of myself will include taking care of some little matters that have been nagging at me and weighing down on me. Perhaps, just perhaps, a trip to the gym if time permits. It is a sunny, breezy spring day so no matter what I am doing I will enjoy the day as a gift.

Spring is here and the trees are blooming. I want to go and breath it in, take some time to inhale it's glory. I don't want to miss it by thinking I have to do this and that, and rush here and there. I want to stop here and there and look around, smell the smells, hear the sounds. My brother walks miles and miles to get home. He gets in touch with the surroundings in a way that we can't do when we speed by in our cars. There is much to learn from my brother. I am appreciating the opportunity to have him stay with us (most days anyway). I want to take time today no matter what I do to really experience what's around me. And see the beauty. There is always beauty if we are willing to look for it.
More will be revealed.

Pressing On

2008-04-10T09:17:00.001-05:00

Last night I slept longer than I have slept all week. As far as I can tell I slept at least 8 hours. I feel much better. My little fluctuation was gone, too, and I feel like I can maybe, just maybe, have a loss this week if I keep my eating sane for the rest of the week. I am following my usual pattern. I lose a few pounds, and then I maintain that loss after fluctuating a little, and then I move on to a new loss.

Rest has been my main goal this week. I was so wiped out at the end of my work day that I could not even fathom yoga. My daughter was home sick and I went home. I can make up my yoga class on Monday. I did not mind missing it because I was way too tired for anything. I feel today like the rest has made a positive impact on how I feel mentally, emotionally and physically. I feel very optimistic today. I had gotten into the bagels at work yesterday, but caught myself and tried to balance it by eating less in the evening. I think it worked. Today there is yet another spread of food in a department nearby that I walk past often. I have decided that it does not exist for me today. I look the other way. I saw fruit, and veggies but I even get in trouble with fruit. I built some fruit into my plan today, but it won't be until very late in the day. I don't want to be near that food spread no matter what.

There is a heavy rain today. It is having that soothing effect again. I hear it against my window here at the office and it sounds nice. The grey dimness of it all is restful. Last night I felt so overwhelmed but I knew that it was a feeling and that the facts of my life had not changed. I knew it was a state of mind, and that if I just got some rest and did not dive into the panic of it all, it would pass. And it did. I have an acquisition closing tomorrow for my job. It is pretty intense but it is going good. I feel like this is a test for me and that I am passing.

So, I am pressing on with my weight loss efforts. I have been craving a shopping trip for summer clothes. I put on a pair of last year's capri's and they were kind of baggy but wearable. I am not allowing myself to buy clothes until I get to the final loss. It is not too far off so I believe I can wait. It is a nice incentive for now.

For today I am going to hold on to my optimistic feeling and my firm resolve to press on no matter what. No matter if it is rainy, or if I am a little sick, or if I am tired or if everyone else is in a bad mood. No matter what I can take care of myself and be true to my own personal goal. On AFG a few days ago I read this phrase in the posting on virtues "protecting our own hearts from the feeling of doing wrong" Today I want to protect my heart from the feeling of doing wrong to myself by compromising my goals and aspirations and from the wrong of neglecting my own needs.

Happy Thursday!!

PS my administrative assistant just popped her head in my door and said that I really look good and she is sure my boyfriend must think I am a "knock-out" - geez I really needed that one. I was feeling frumpy. Always seems when I feel frumpy someone comes through with a weight loss comment...

Yoga Day already

2008-04-09T09:57:00.001-05:00

I am looking forward to Yoga tonight. It's already Wednesday. Things are looking up. I ate more yesterday than planned but I don't think it is too bad. My goal at the moment is to stay in the 150's for seven straight days and I am on day six.... I am staying around my low 156 all week with a teeny fluctuation. I can do better today than yesterday. I will have yoga during the dinner hour so my evening eating will be better.

I am still tired. I am kind of sick. Went back to doctor yesterday and he prescribed some allergy meds and some decongestant. Said my nose was swollen. Geez. I don't want to take meds but I don't want to be sick. I have a sore throat and cough going on, too. Plus exhaustion. No gym so far this week. But I did exercise this morning at home. Still working my abs and can tell that they are getting better.

I want so much to stick to plan today.

More will be revealed

Sleep makes a Difference

2008-04-08T09:42:00.001-05:00

I managed to get some rest last night. My perspective is better today. I am having a struggle with Man friend on top of everything else. We are working it out, and it may not be as big of a deal as it seemed when I was exhausted. I am maintaining my weight and I feel good about that. I agree with Laura's comment yesterday about goals and maintenance.

There are work treats today. One is a light sponge cake (fraught with peril for me, though) and bagels. I read the label on the cream cheese and had one tablespoon on a fourth of a bagel. That gave me 110 calories. The sponge cake tasted very light and I had a small piece. But I have no idea what really lurks in it. She said it was heavy on the eggs which could be good or bad depending how you look at it. So I am finished with that. I hope.

If I stay on target the rest of the day, those treats being my breakfast, I will still be within my parameters. I feel that when I maintain a loss long enough it moves into new loss territory so long as I stay within my parameters. It happens naturally without struggle if I just stick to the parameters with few variances.

Yesterday traffic was bad getting to the gym on my lunch hour and then when I got in the locker room to dress out I had forgotten my shoes. I did not get to work out. But being as exhausted as I was it may not have been a good idea any way. Today I have a doctor's appointment I desperately want to put off but should really keep. If I change it, I will go to the gym.

I am still tired but not exhausted. It is amazing how much better things can look after a decent night's sleep. The simple basics of good health, sleep, nutrition, exercise, water, are easy to neglect sometimes, but I pay dearly for it when I do.

Exhausted and sad

2008-04-07T13:18:00.000-05:00

I am exhausted and sad. I am not eating much. My fluctuation went back down so last week my weight did not change. No loss, no gain. I am ok with that. Just having a difficult time with other areas of my life. I feel overwhelmed with taking care of other people's needs. A reocurring theme in my life. I need rest and have not found the time to get it. So for this week I am going to take care of me more and try to get some rest. Still tracking food and getting exercise. Hoping it will result in a loss at some point. Maybe my goal for April was too high. Maybe I should goal to lose something but perhaps not 8 pounds. Did not seem like too high of a goal at the time.

Friday notes

2008-04-04T13:52:00.000-05:00

Friday is still my favorite day of the week but today I am exhausted and feeling a tad blue. I have not been getting as much sleep due to getting up to take my brother to work. I went to the gym after dropping him off this morning at 6 a.m. I was glad to do that but I feel very tired today. I think the tired is making me blue. It has been going on for a couple of days now. I don't like it when this happens but I am going to keep on doing my normal daily stuff in spite of it. The cheery feeling will return. It always does.

It has been a good week overall of planning and tracking and doing my exercises. But my weight went up during the week instead of down. It is not time for an official weigh in so maybe it will go back down before then. Nothing major, a couple of pounds but the wrong direction. I find that I fluctuate up during the week and go back down on the weekends or Monday. So I just need to dip down lower than my low last weekend. Anything is possible. I will just keep doing what I am doing and push harder to maintain eating habits that will result in a loss. Myabe the lack of weight loss is adding to my shade of blue.

Not giving up is a big part of my weight loss program. It was the missing component in my earlier efforts. I gave up easily if I diverted or gained, or did not lose. Now I just keep going. I get back on track. No matter what I do not give up. It makes a big difference.

My First Yoga Class

2008-04-03T08:53:00.001-05:00

What a great way to kick off my April challenge - challenging myself with something new. I loved the yoga class. I loved it because it was time set aside just for me to do something good and healthy for me. Yoga is good for my body and my mind. And there is even a social aspect because I am doing it with other people. I loved every bit of it. I did not struggle with any of it. I found I could get in the positions with ease. The only difficulty was with the "wrapping" my thigh muscles while exhaling. But I am going to work on that. For years I have wanted to do this, but could not get started on my own. It is one of the victories of my weight loss journey. The class is an hour and a half long and I loved every second.

I feel good just knowing I have a class to go to once per week, in the middle of the week. More discipline. I am still struggling with evening eating. What I want to do is try less eating during the day since I seem to want to eat at night no matter what I do. Then I can just build more food into the evening plan. Perhaps raw veggies and lean protein. I am determined to conquer the evening deal. Frankly, my appetite has been up all week but I find I can manage more during the day than at night. So yoga in the evening on an empty stomach before I eat may be helpful. We will see.

I also feel like I am retaining water this week and have no idea why. I am looking at my diet for hidden sodium. My hands feel a bit swollen today. And I feel all around puffy. I can't figure it out...

I am so glad I have all my blogger pals to share my journey with. Yesterday I went through and printed out all my entries. I am also going to move them to electronic files. I realized that if something happened to blogger, I'd have no record of this journey. When I need a mental uplift, I look through my entries and see how far I have come. I also read other people's blogs and get the same uplifting of my spirit.

I feel really lucky today. It is pouring down rain but I feel cozy. I love the rain. It is cleansing and soothing. The sound of it on the roof and against the window is soothing. The dim grey light is soft and restful. I can't stay in bed and sleep but I can use the rain to cast a peaceful, restful mood on my day.

More will be revealed.

Yoga Wedenesdays!!

2008-04-02T15:04:00.000-05:00

I have videos and books but never use them. Too hard to start alone. Today I was thinking of Yoga Jane's - I pass it often on the street that goes past the coffee house. I looked up the website and much to my surprise - no coincidences here - a session starts tonight right after work!! From tonight until May something I will learn Hatha Yoga, at the intro level. Perfect for me. I called and registered and I am showing up. My gym bag is in the car, and nothing is standing in my way. I will have to call the kids and let them know. I have chicken in the crock pot.

I did not get to workout at the gym today. Traffic was stopped up and I did not have enough time, so I read my old postings and relaxed on the riverfront. I am excited about Yoga Wednesdays!!

I hope no kid or brother calls bar me from showing up. I will plan ahead from now on and let everyone know that I won't be home on Wednesdays until 7:30...they can fend for themselves.

I also noticed that this studio has a belly dance class. I have been wanting to try that, too...but I won't get ahead of myself today..

Little Victories & the April Challenge Kick-off

2008-04-01T12:56:00.001-05:00

It has been a while since I stopped to appreciate little victories. Today, for example, I was challenged by a baby shower at work. I had already prepared my food for the day and tallied up my air tight food plan. There was cake at the shower and some fruit and veggies. I overdid fruit last week at the work sponsored breakfast so I wanted to be especially careful about this shower. I took raw broccoli while everyone had their cake, one cherry tomato, and a couple of strawberries because they are lower in sugar - less chances of kicking in my cravings and appetite for more sugar. I nibbled the veggies all through the shower. No cake. That's the little victory, no cake. It would have been easy to rationalize some cake and it would not have been a tragedy to have some. One woman said she "spun" that morning so she could enjoy the cake. Fine for her. I am on a mission, though, to get to the normal BMI. Ignoring cake and foods like that will get me there. I did not feel deprived of cake. I felt good and I enjoyed the veggies. I kept thinking of my 50 pound milestone and how that boosted my confidence for this renewed push to the finish.

Another little victory happened this morning. I changed my plan to come home after dropping brother off at work, and stopped to have coffee with Manfriend. This left me without my packed lunch. It would have been easy to just go to work without and hit vending machines or go out for lunch. Instead I stopped at the grocery store nearby and bought groceries for work - my special bread, my turkey for sandwiches, yogurt, and all bran extra fiber, a bag of carrots. Now I have this stuff on hand for the rest of the week, plus I have today covered. Supplemented by the shower veggies I am in good shape.

Last little victory for the morning- baggy pants. These pants used to get loose after I wore them a while. Now they are baggy fresh out of the dryer. They are tens. So I know my body is changing.

I exercised this morning. Upper body and abs at home. I am going to the gym on my lunch hour for cardio. I can do that now since I don't have to go out for food!

I have decided to challenge myself for the month of April. Here is the plan:

1. Have a food plan each day that fits my parameters ... keep track of any diversions.

2. Work the abs everyday with my floor exercises. Do weights at the gym at least once or twice per week.

3. Cardio every day, using the gym for lunch hours on work days if I can, or walking dog, riding bike, or gym in the evening.

4. Track weight each day but use one day for the official weigh in.

5. Think positive, blog regularly and be accountable. Focus on behavior changes. Little and manageable ones.

That is enough for now. I want the normal BMI by the end of the month and I am only 8 pounds away.

I like Monday

2008-03-31T09:05:00.000-05:00

I am starting to like Mondays. Even cloudy, grey Mondays like today. It's a fresh start. The beginning of the week. I had a good weekend. My glorious Saturday and Sunday weigh-ins, quality time with kids and Man friend, even a trip to the gym. I cooked on Sunday and nibbled too much. But not so much to sabotage my progress. And I am making progress. I have my goal of a normal body mass index. I think I can get there by the end of April if I stay disciplined. I am eight pounds away. Eight pounds. I have lost ten in a month before. That's two per week.

Enough calculations. Calculations are fine for planning but my true focus is on behavior. My method of changing my behavior has been through patience and tolerance toward myself, and positive thinking. Changing my thinking is what changes my behavior. My actions are preceded by thoughts, influenced by thoughts, ultimately controlled by my thoughts. So I am focusing on the good in everything today. The good in Monday. Monday is sweet with the weekend memories and the promise of a good week ahead. That's how I am looking at it this morning anyway.

I set my plan for the day, I brought my lunch and snacks and coffee, and even some herbal tea. I am ready. I have my gym bag in my car for my hour break. Daffodils are blooming out in my back yard and I can't wait to start planting and gardening again. Does it get any better than this?

Milestone

2008-03-29T07:02:00.000-05:00

It happened this morning at 6:30 a.m after I got home from Manfriend's. I got on the scale feeling like I'd see a loss. I saw the 156 on the scale. That is officially 50 pounds from my high weigh in at the doctor's office on January 3, 2005 when I begged him for help. I never thought I'd see a 50 pound loss and it took over three years but it has been worth it. The three years have shown a steady decline in weight. Weight I never gained back. It is a miracle and amazing. Most of the weight has been lost since I started blogging in the summer of 2006. I don't think I could have done it without the blogging. I lost 38 pounds since blogging and am keeping it off. This is too amazing for words.

I have been planning and tracking for a few weeks now since my prednisone and that is why I have been able to move the number on the scale again. I may fluctuate up and down around that number for a few days but seeing that number today is enough for me.

Thanks everyone. Could not do this without you!!!

Progress

2008-03-28T09:02:00.000-05:00

Phrase for the day: Progress, not perfection. That's good enough for me. Last night went better than all the other nights. For one thing, I was busy. I had yogurt and fruit after taking daughter to orthodontist while she happily munched her favorite - chicken and fries. Then later I had salmon salad, and did not finish it all. After that I had to leave and run some errands which took a few hours. By the time I got home it was time to go upstairs and help daughter with homework. I drank water and I may have had something permissible to eat, but I forget now what it was. I know I did better last night than any other night. I also stuck to plan all day so I had enough left in my "food budget" to eat more in the evening. Tonight is a busy night. I rarely have problems on Friday night unless I eat really late when I get home. Often I barely have dinner so I can afford to eat something later.

On Monday I will have an official weigh in and see what progress I made in March. Right now it looks like I have stayed the same, but at least I am staying the same at a loss, maintaining a low. I have dipped a couple of pounds but then crept back up. Even that fluctuation is only a 2-3 pounds, unlike the wild fluctuations of the past. I am hoping Monday may bring a lower weight so that I could have a one or two pound loss for the month. I will keep that goal in mind as I reach for food over the weekend. It seems much harder to lose now that my weight is already down 45 pounds. I have to adjust to eating even less which takes time. Staying the same is progress for me, it means MAINTENANCE - which eluded me in the past when I lost weight. Miraculous maintenance, without which there would be no true loss.

One other thing I want to focus on is toning and exercising. I may end up not taking much more off in pounds. But if I tone up what is left I am sure to be satisfied with the overall results. I have been doing my abs in the morning this week and my upper body with weights at home. I did one trip to the gym this week. So this is progress from my stand still while I was sick.

I looked at my pictures from my all time high weight yesterday and it is amazing to see the difference. I should take a photo now for comparison. It is getting close to a year since I took a progress photo. I believe I weighed about 15 pounds more when I took them. When I look at my results and progress, it gives me hope and confidence to move forward. I just looked up my last year's weight for March, and I weighed 18 pounds more than I do today!!! Now that really is progress.

I am also avoiding stress. I am staying in the moment, taking care of things I can take care of, one by one, and letting go of what I can't do. Especially with my brother. I am seeing the pleasant aspects of having him around for now. I am encouraging him as he looks for a place to live, and providing the assistance I can. I am not pushing myself to do things that would tax me physically, financially, emotionally or mentally. So, in the area of self care, I am making progress.

Progress, progress, progress. It's all about progress. Not perfection, just simple, steady, progress. And gratitude. I am grateful for the progress I have made and continue to make. Sometimes I have to look a little harder to see it, but it is always there.

Anyway, it's Friday, my favorite day. The weekend spreads out before me with it's seemingly unlimited possibilities.

Happy Friday!!!!!

Evening Struggles

2008-03-27T08:45:00.000-05:00

Seems like I track and have some success during the day and then in the evening it gets tough. I nibble while preparing meals and then want to nibble more. So here is my plan of action for that problem:

Re allocate the daily food so I have more to eat in the evening.

Have nibble ready foods to nibble like raw celery, carrots, broccoli. Incorporate them into the plan.

Leave the eating area as soon as possilbe and move on to another activity that absorbs me.

Drink lots of water.

I want to get over this hump and get off my plateau. I used to read about people's plateaus when I was still trying to lose the bulk of my weight. Now I understand. I have gotten to a weight that feels pretty good but is not exactly the goal weight. It seems like it is harder to lose, but in reality, it has taken the same amount of effort to lose all along. But right now I lose my sense of urgency or motivation because I could just hang where I am for a long time.

I want to push myself on and actually get to the normal body mass index goal. I want to do that for myself. Then I want to get blood work and see how my cholesterol is, etc. I am so close to actually realizing the goal. Ten pounds a way really. Or twelve. I want to motivate myself. It is spring and the months where we wear less clothes are upon me. I do not want to shop until more pounds come off, and I have a little time. Last year's capri's may not fit since I am down at least one size since last summer. Maybe two.

I remember long ago, in 1990 I weighed 162 and was horrified. I joined a gym and started going every day and spending hours there. At the time I had time to spare, I was not working, just going to college. It was great. I did not eat much, but I ate healthy. It worked. I lost 25 pounds in only a couple of months. It felt great. I don't even want to get that skinny now. I only want to lose half that amount now, so surely it is possilbe.

Less food, more exercise. Planning and tracking. Lots of water.

Motivation.

Discipline Update

2008-03-25T14:13:00.001-05:00

Since I picked discipline as an area for growth/improvement this year I am taking a moment to see where I am with it. It is interesting to me that I have been motivated into discipline by a couple or a few key events. The events may have been motivated by my lack of discipline. I know there is a relationship, anyway.

For one, my work habits have undergone a drastic change. They had to. I got in trouble. I got in trouble because my work habits were chaotic in the eyes of my boss. And in reality, looking back, they were chaotic. I now come in at the same time everyday, leave at the same time and take precisely an hour lunch. If I deviate from that schedule I send her an e-mail describing the deviation and I make sure I document it on my time report. I make sure I stop in and say hi when I arrive so everyone knows when I got in. I say goodbye when I leave so they can note the time if they wish. When I leave for lunch, I do the same. These are new habits for me. But they actually feel good. During my career I have found ways to circumvent the conventional work hours. I did it with management approval through my own negotiations but now I can't. I am finding peace in this, and I am finding that this new exercise in discipline is helping motivate me to attain discipline in other areas.

As for food, my illness and the prednisone scared me back into tracking what I eat, and planning what I eat. Although I do not strictly adhere to the plan everyday, I still have the discipline of planning and tracking. I weigh myself and stay in reality. It feels safe and secure. It also feels healthy. And, like the work habits, it motivates me and gives me some confidence that I can gain discipline in other areas.

Another area where I want more discipline is in my finances - sticking to a budget. Planning and tracking are tools for this, just like with food. Even if I don't stick strictly to the budget, planning and tracking will keep me in reality.

I also want discipline in my housekeeping. This will include perhaps (I am in the inception of this one) planning and tracking as well. I can plan what days to do what chores. And check them off. Then I can build the habits. Some things are daily, others are not. The kids can join in this one with me. It will be good for all of us.

I am sure there are other areas for discipline. But those are the ones that come to mind now. Laura commented that there is freedom in discipline. I love that statement. I used to think of discipline as restrictive and oppressive. But it isn't. It allows me to do more things. The disciplined work habits allows me to go home with no work in hand and have my evening free. Discipline with food allows me to feel good about myself, have better health, and have a sense of security. I am no longer burdened with guilt because I know where I stand. The fear is gone.

Just a few comments on discipline for today. Last night my eating was not very disciplined. I was very hungry at dinner, and ended up nibbling while I cooked. Then I craved popcorn and fruit, so I had some. Looking back, that's not so bad. But it gives me that out of control feeling that I don't like. Plus, when I got up at 3 a.m. to take my brother to work I had terrible indigestion. I don't think my body was used to that kind of eating. I am glad I had a consequence. It will make me stop and think before I over nibble next time. I am feeling better today and having a good eating day so far.

Post Prednisone Report

2008-03-24T09:54:00.000-05:00

This is my second day prednisone free. I weighed only one pound more than last Monday. I am very happy with that. I believe I will be back down to my lowest weight by tomorrow. Yesterday I had a pretty big dinner and I did indulge in a few malted milk balls and a little cake so my weigh in went really good all things considered.

I am continuing with the disciplined ways that I adopted to keep from gaining on the medication. I believe I can lose my last 10 pounds this way. I looked up the BMI and if I lose about 8-10 pounds I will be at a normal BMI for the first time in many years. I want to know what that feels like. I love the way it feels to follow a program of eating. I feel a sense of security and optimism. I keep it simple. I am not spending extra money and buying many foods outside of what I feed the rest of the family. I just tally up what I am going to have and make sure if falls within some guidelines I have adopted for myself. I prefer high fiber, high protein, low fat meals. I try to have whole grains and fresh veggies. The less processing a food has gone through before it gets to me, the better. And water, lots and lots of water.

Today I packed a gym bag. I was planning to go to the gym on my one hour lunch for 25 minutes of cardio. I am not sure how long getting there, and changing and then changing back, etc. will take, so I am doing a trial run. I may decide to skip it and go tonight when there is less pressure to get through it so quickly. I will have to see how I feel later on. My idea this morning was that even a little work out is better than nothing. And I need to get back into the work outs. I was doing so great with my cardio challenge. I went daily and then about 5 times per week for at least two months, and then I got sick.........

Last night my brother showed up at my door. My Mom had called and said he went missing. They live about 120 miles from me. He made his way back up here for church Sunday morning. It has been a month since I had dropped him off at my Mom's, and moved his stuff (again). He wants to find a place up here. He left this morning to walk to work. He has walked many miles and gotten rides to get up here. I am letting him do his own thing. I gave him a nice plate of my Easter Dinner and made him comfortable in the spare room for the night. He is motivated to do things for himself, so I am staying out of it. I have to continue to take care of me. I can't get into taking care of him, or driving 4 hours to my Mom's to get his stuff. He left his money, and ID and stuff there and just took off. He needs to deal with the consequences of that without me rushing in to fix it all. I was a bit overwhelmed and found myself heading to the fridge for comfort, but I got it in check and called a friend instead, and went to bed. My daughter came in to talk to me about her concerns about him staying, etc. and I found myself laughing somewhat hysterically about it all. I had been crying so I guess I had to do the full range. Laughing was a huge relief.

I can't let stuff get to me today. I need to stay surrendered!!

So Happy Monday!

Deflation, I hope

2008-03-21T10:01:00.000-05:00

I was a pound less this morning, so now I am only 2 pounds higher than my Monday low. Hopefully I can get back to that weight and move on. Last night I had salty snacks when I got home, again. I wanted to stay away from salt but maybe I overdid it, and I actually need more than I have been taking in. Anyway, I have been sticking to plans and tracking steadily and it feels good. The bedtime snacks are not bothering me, I just believe that my body reacts to a reduction in calories by wanting more food. I have to resist the urge to eat more, or respond by having something like a lean, low calorie, low fat, high protein snack. Right now I am just trying to get through the Prednisone impact. Overall, I think it is going pretty good but it's not over yet, but in the decline.

I hope to keep my regimen going long after the prednisone. I like it. It feels safe and secure to know what I am eating and drinking. I don't like that out of control feeling anymore. The living on the edge with food, or anything else. I hope to get some exercise this weekend.

More will be revealed.

Puff Update

2008-03-20T14:22:00.000-05:00

No additional puffing today in spite of a salty snack when I got home last night. I did feel dizzy, though last night and am having some headaches. I am on the downswing, the reduced dose for the prednisone and will be finished on Saturday. I have been sticking to my eating regimen and tracking. I am enjoying the discipline. But I will be glad when I can go back to the gym. I have been staying away now for 3 whole weeks. My weight was down a pound this morning. So I am only up 3 from Monday and I will be patient with this little flux. One thing about tracking food, it helps keep me in reality so that when I have a slight gain, I know it is just a fluctuation and not a real gain from overeating. The scale keeps me in reality, too but I need both to get the whole picture. The food diary and the scale.

More will be revealed

The Puffy Begins

2008-03-19T09:01:00.000-05:00

OK. I know I have been good. I have tracked. And even measured sometimes. I have been drinking and drinking the water. So this morning's elevated weight (4 pounds since Monday's low) has to be some sort of side effect and I am not going to let it get to me. I feel the slight swelling all over my body. I am glad I dropped a couple of pounds in the beginning so this upswing does not seem so bad. And, it should go away right? Lie to me.

Yesterday I was diligent with food. I stuck with my planned food all day and at dinner I found my plans had changed. Daughter wanted to go to the mall with her best friend from where we used to live. I encourage that relationship so I dropped them at the mall for a couple of hours. I went to a restaurant that has a great salad bar. I sat for about an hour or so and had salad. Very careful salad. Some boiled egg, cottage cheese, peas and soy beans, and teeny tiny bit of low fat dressing. I had sunflower seeds. I think my total intake for the day could not be bad, plus it was good healthy stuff. It was SO RELAXING to sit there and go through my pile of mail and pay bills at the bar, nibbling salad and drinking water. I took a pile of old mail to go through so I could get caught up on some things. It was great.

So the puffy is not going to defeat me. I have been adopting good habits since last week when I started the prednisone. I believe I am doing all I can. I only have three more days. I hope to return to the gym soon but I have been focused on getting sleep right now. I have had two nights in a row of better sleep. I even overslept yesterday, but thankfully made it to work on time. Since the kids are off school I don't have to get them up I have a little extra time to stay in bed. I may have had eight hours two nights in a row now. Plus, overall, I have been more relaxed since I surrendered everything and adjusted my attitude.

To be honest the puffy is kind of scary. I can feel the swelling and bloat and it bothers me. A little part of me is thinking, what if it just swells continuously and does not stop? Like when you get stung by a bee and you are allergic??? OK enough paranoia. I think I will focus on work and try and ignore the puffy. Perhaps a little less sodium today. One thing I have been using for protein is tuna. It has lots of sodium, so maybe skip the tuna today and go for a chicken breast or something.

While puffing up, I'll just keep reminding myself that my size 8 jeans were kinda bagging last night, except for the waistline. I buy the smallest size jeans that fit me when I shop. I know it's kind of silly but it's a psychological boost for me. These 8's are probably the same as a 10 somewhere but since they say 8, I buy them. Even if they were 10's it would still be miraculous that I can wear them. I never thought I'd get down to this size again. For at least six years I struggled continuously with my eating and weight. So a little prednisone puffy is not going to get to me. Especially since I have used it as an opportunity to get back into disciplined eating.

More will be revealed..

Prednisone Report

2008-03-17T10:20:00.000-05:00

Miracle. My weight is down.. 157. A brand new number. I attribute this to my voluminous water intake, and my steady nibbling of lean protein over the weekend. Plus, my appetite has actually decreased for some reason. In fact, it's been hard to choke down the nibbles I need to take the medicine. Thanks for the comments, and especially Vickie for the information on what to expect. I don't like taking this medicine at all, but one bright side is that it has made me very vigilant about what I eat, and my water intake. I needed to get back into that disciplined state of mind.

My sleep is a mess. I am trying to get more but I have trouble falling asleep and then I wake up exactly two hours after finally falling asleep. I can usually go back to sleep again. I have accepted that life for me is going to be different for a while, but I plan to make the most of it. Whatever window I have between getting better and having surgery I will use to get some gym time in if at all possible. I want to use everything to whatever advantage I can find. One thing right now is I am taking care of myself and letting things go.

Sunday after church and a little flea market shopping, I did nothing. Manfriend offered to cook dinner so I stayed at his place all day and up until bed time. We went to the grocery store and he did the shopping. It was nice. The kids are gone for a few days so I had no responsibilities except to run home and let the dog out for a bit. I can't tell you how nice it is to have somebody else make dinner while I watch a movie on the couch. Heaven. He cooks dinner on Sundays from time to time. And then at night sometimes he makes us breakfast when we have been out late. It is better than getting flowers. I love seeing him in the kitchen with a dishtowel over his shoulder. Enough of that.

The point is I am learning to slow down, rest and take care of myself. And, to make it a priority. This discipline I wanted, that I set as a goal, is happening as a result of a number of events. Discipline at work from getting in trouble. Discipline in taking care of myself, my diet, etc. from being sick. I know the triggering events were unpleasant, but if the result is that I gain in discipline, it makes it all worthwhile. I like looking at things that way. It allows me to appreciate the best and worst of life's happenings.

My diet over the weekend consisted of extra fiber bran with yogurt and berries; protein bars, Manfriend's eggs; on Saturday. And then protein bar plus Manfriend's pork steak and salad on Sunday. Today I am having my extra fiber bran, yogurt and a banana to sustain me during the work day, along with a tuna steak for lunch. Not sure about dinner but since kids are not being fed, I may have a nice healthy salad out somewhere. If eating at home, I will get a carry out salad at the grocery store salad bar and bring it home. That's my report and the plan. Trying to stay consistent and accountable.

Happy Monday!!